Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hi and thanks for writing JA
are you there customer?
are you there?
hi I'm here
Hi good to see you, how are you doing today?
Hello, are you there?
I was on another page
Are you able to stay here or are you busy?
I can stay
okay good, if you are busy that is okay too, just let me know
I was just waiting for you on another page sorry
okay no problem
I have read your post
nope not busy just need someone to talk to about all this
it concerns me quite a bit that you are so hard on yourself
To my understanding you have a girlfriend of five months
not a wife
you got drunk, disinhibited and slept with someone else
and you probably have alcoholism
but she is incredibly upset
because you have an illness that caused you to sleep with another person?
yes I do I've been seeking treatment the past few days
every partner she's had has cheated on her
she took a big chance on me
so she does not understand that you have an illness
I'm really not like that
but now all that trust is gone
she took a big chance on you how?
no she does and she's really been helpful in my struggle with alcohol
wait, back up
how did she take a chance on you?
just by trusting me
I have arthritis but my friends dont get upset with me when my joints flare
I have acute flares
and they dont blame me
how come she blames you?
someone my current girlfriend considered a friend
so I still dont get this at all
You have a genetic disease
you inherited the Gabra2 gene
how is that your fault?
I dont understand so please help me to understand this?
and even tho I was drunk I did choose in some way to sleep with somebody else
wait a minute?
I'm thinking sorry
I do not understand how it is your fault you inherited alcoholism and I need you to help me to understand this
how is it your fault that you inherited this disease
help me to understand
it's not my fault I'm an alcoholic it's my fault that I did something horrible to someone who trusts me
how could it be your fault that you did something when you were under the influence of a disinhibitor?
how could this be your fault?
you inherited a disease, it got you
well really I don't think fault is the problem I just want to rebuild that trust we had
well then first you have to stop taking blame for something that is not your fault
and get some treatment and move on
it was a really healthy non-co dependent relationship
and if she does not have the capacity or the understanding
I've never had one of those before
no such thing as co dependent
just saying I really don't wanna loose this
thats a term used to blame
I've always had really bad relationships
well then she has to wise up
and you have to stop blaming yourself
I guess your right about the blaming myself part
You have a disease and you are getting treatment
she has to stop being so condemning and learn a lesson in compassion and understanding
what is wrong with her that she does not get this?
I donno she's hurt and scared
scared of what?
that you will relapse?
that she can't trust my
you might, treatment for alcoholism is poor
that I will relapse
well either she decides you are worth the risk or not
if she decides not
she is not worth your affection
I would not want to be with someone so intolerant
I know I'm looking for something that's not AA I've tried AA and I think it is a cult plus it has a 4% success rate
after we chat I am going to send you some resources for help
but for now
we have to hash this out
why would you be with someone who cannot or is not willing to understand
why would you choose someone like that?
well we are trying to work it out
and trust me she's amazing
yes but you are taking all the blame
she is not so amazing if she is blaming you
not to me anyway
well she doesn't deserve the blame, and I know that the blame really lies in the fact that I'm an alcoholic
and probably have ptsd
how is it your fault?
I dont understand
it's not fully my fault
you inherited the gene for alcoholism
its not AT ALL your fault
but I could have had the forsight to not get really smashed with my ex girlfreind
we cant pick our genese
how could you know?
I could have gotten drunk with someone who doesn't want to sleep with me
you didnt even know you had the gene until I told you?
you know if you can make yourself feel bad enough
I'm not even sure that gene exists this is the first I've heard of it
you will feel so awful
you can go right out and drink again
Well then I will send you that information as well
you did want to speak to an expert on this right?
it also doesn't help that I have a home with a keg in the basement plus a fully stocked wetbar
I know I need to change my scenery
yes I do want to speak to an expert
well if you make yourself and you allow the girlfriend of five months to help you feel lousy enough than you can use that keg
yeah being happy is the best way to avoid that
being rational is the best way to avoid this
using the facts is the best way to avoid this
you have a disease, its genetic
you are getting help
she can either get over it and move on
or get lost
You are the important person in this equation
and if you stay with a woman who blames
you are going to drink again and again and again
she may be amazing
but she will drive you to drunk again and again
hmm maybe I'll have to think about that
and what that really means to me
Let me ask you a question please?
You know I have arthritis and lets say I was in a big flare and you came to my house for dinner
and I dropped the dinner tray
my hands were so inflamed I dropped the tray
on the floor
dinner is ruined
we have to call Chinese for take out
How would you feel about me and what I did?
I like chinese
would you forgive me? blame me? feel sorry for me? reassure me?
I would prolly make sure your ok
then worry about food
you would care about me
you would worry that I was embarrassed or upset
you would tell me, thats okay, I like Chinese
yeah... i would also laugh once you where ok
I am sure I would laugh too :)
but I want you to understand that there is no difference between my arthritis and your acoholism except the stigma and ignorance attached to alcoholism
and you and your girlfriend need some education along these lines
or you will stay sick
your right about that
I know that'
it's just so hard to find treatment that doesn't make me angry
I agree, its bad out there
and it doesn t work either
every time I've gone to AA they made me do things I was not comfortable with
and they blame
make you feel small
yes they do
my mentor was an alcoholic
and when I studied with her she taught me volumes
so I do not refer to 12 step programs
I have a few that I will give you when we move to Q and A
first, what part of the country do you live in?
ok sounds good
lake county Il
just city and state
it's by the wisconsin border
did you have a messy snow week there like we had here this week?
the town I live in is round lake beach
you have a lake?
oh yeah it was awful
It has been a tough winter
snows all the time now
I hate it.
right by lake Michigan and there are a few lakes in the area
that is so lovely
I love it there
Lake Michigan is beautiful
how lucky are you?
it's ok there is a weird mix of rich and poor
living right next to eachother
what do you do for a living?
it can cause tention sometimes
yea I am sure
I've been unemployed for a while
so that doesnt help either with the drinking does it?
but my expertise are in pet care
oh wow how great is that?
nope i've got nothing to do
except get drunk
what kind of pets do you work with when you are working?
good for you
I worked at this place called save-a-pet for a while
it's like dog job boot camp
is that a type of shelter?
no kill shelters are a double edged sword because there a lot of dogs that will bite you
yeah it's a no kill shelter
dog boot camp?
it really is an exhilarating job
and what happened to that?
Oh I have a dog that needs boot camp in the worst way
no I couldn't take it anymore and moved to another job
just control his food and you'll get him under control
how come you couldnt take it, too stressful?
this dog is beyond food he is a demon
I could speak volumes about the manegment at the time
oh I see
5 employees quit at the same time
to make a long story short
how old are you?
what about going back to school?
become a vet?
once winter is over I plan to study ecology on the internet while I travel around the country and canada
what will your girlfriend do while you travel?
I don't really know what I wanna do with my life I'll prolly end up a teacher
we had plans to do it together
teaching is very stressful indeed
but good for you
okay so be careful
and no drinking on the road
oh yeah she's done it before
she'd kill me lol
I am not crazy about hitch hiking
I think its dangerous but
we would hope trains but it's become very illegal
let me know when you are in Massachusetts so you can come over and boot camp my Westie
big jail time penalties
Oh my I had no idea?
lets move to Q and A
and I am going to give you some resources
sounds good to me
it will take about thirty minutes so I dont want you to pick up until then ok?
and one more thing?
the most important thing
I want you to knock off beating yourself up so much. I want you to understand and accept that you have an illness that you did not choose and that it chose YOU. I want you to understand this because it is a fact but also because if you continue on as you are you will be compelled to drink again. I want you also to share my words with your girlfriend. She is lucky to have a nice guy like you and either she forgives you and gets over what happened or she is toast. Are we clear on this?
that is the reality of the situation
indeed it is
I don't like it to think of it as her as toast, I would just think of it as not working out cuz we can't get over this
She has to get over it.
Not you. She.
but I agree and I'll try not to beat myself up so much
I've always been really good at that
yes I see ;)
okay Cesar Milan lets move to Q and A, okay?
you take good care now
It will take me about thirty minutes to upload all the sites I have for you. Thank you for your patience. Cathy
Okay, let me start with a little education about the genetics of alcoholism.
Okay dust off your library card and check this book out. I think if you read it it is going to help you a lot.
Next, a few supports that I think you need.
This one is much less punishing and much more effective than AA. I am going to send you the national site as well and I think a phone call to them will help you a great deal.
Okay here is the national site. Dont be turned away by the name. Women for Sobriety was started first and it worked so well they later started Men For Sobriety. I give all my clients these affirmations and they help a lot. CALL them and ask them for help as they are going to treat you with care and compassion and find ways for you to get better. CALL them.
Okay, here is an online site for support that you can check out. It offers both 12 step and non 12 step forums. I think it will help you a lot. Also Women for Sobriety has online meetings (I think they do anyway). so.....
Take very good care of you.