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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have a friend of 2-3 years that my instincts tell me not

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I have a friend of 2-3 years that my instincts tell me not to trust. I am afraid that the personal details in which I share with him will not remain private, but will be re-told or used against me. (Nothing horrible or illegal, but we all have dirty laundry and things we don't want shared with the public at large)

This fear stems from me catching him on the phone talking smack about me to my ex-husband while we were divorcing, dating several months back. At that time, it was War of the Roses.

Why I tell him my business is beyond me. Perhaps it is because he shares in detail about his life (ups and downs), I reciprocate.

He's the $30K Millionaire type...buried in over his head with debt, drives a car he can't afford, will only eat at the fanciest places, name dropper, $ dropper, robbing Peter to pay Paul, about to put is house on the market in hopes to get out of financial trouble etc. Yet despite his financial woes, still looks down on purchasing certain items from Target as opposed to a high-end boutiques or Neiman's. He's also single, HIV positive (he's gay) and has a prosthetic leg.

We are close and speak almost daily about our lives, problems, our businesses as we are both self-employed, swap funny stories etc.

At times, I feel that he "turns" on me...saying things that are hurtful "(i.e, you need to stop self-medicating with alcohol and get some spiritual help right he's polishing off a 6 pack of Dos Equis and popping a bar of Xanax himself). I laugh it off and say things like, "Hello Pot. It's me, Kettle."

Another example is my ex-husband (who I am on amicable terms with now) just loaned him some money (which was returned). My friend will say "I don't know why your ex-husband still speaks with you because were such a bitch by kicking him out of the house." Seemingly, "taking sides". I recently realized that my friend was trying to set up lunch with my ex (who volunteered that info with me).

I am no angel but I want to break this cycle with him. If I speak honestly with him (like I am doing now), he will become defensive (I have tried this method). If I take a break and stop taking his calls, he calls incessantly...almost OCD-like.

Part of me knows that he's gabbing at me because he is hurting, unhappy and perhaps jealous. I am not sure how to diplomatically handle this situation. I feel a sudden "cut-off" will result in a hateful backlash. I also feel a candid discussion with him will result in defensiveness. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Although you have tried to cut this off, try harder. This sounds like a very dysfunctional friendship especially in seeing your ex. He is showing no loyalty to you at all. This isn't a friend. He will get the hint eventually that you no longer want to be his friend. He won't hang on forever but you have to consistent and maintain your decision. No emails - don't read them so he gets the message on his end. No phone calls - don't answer them. he will move on, everyone does
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I guess that drives home what I needed to hear.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Is this question fully closed out? I see it as "Waiting for Expert" although you have addressed my issue. I just followed it up with a "Thank You".

The reason I am asking is because I have had another open question for around 24 hours that no one has answered yet. The experts are usually pretty snappy about responding too.

So, just following up.

If you post your question I can answer it but I don't know what the mechanics of this is.

i don't think I have anything left to do as far as this one