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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My man is back seeing me daily this past month.I found out

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My man is back seeing me daily this past month.I found out that another younger,smaller woman was in the picture.She stayed down the hall with another man,but was spending her evenings doing drugs with my man.On xmas eve I came to take him to my new place,he picked a fight and I found out later she was over.I talked with him for several hours that following Tuesday and thought we had an understanding that I would start spending more time with him.I came over Thursday night,she was there,answering the door,sitting on the floor,playing cards.They were doing drugs,she went home.I also found out that he had been calling me on her cell phone,almost daily.He had no phone.I spent Thursday night.The woman was very defensive and they both declared they were only platonic friends.Friday,New years eve,I took him to my home.He picked another fight in order to go back to his apartment.I was devastated and returned to his place in 15 minutes.He looked so guilty!The same woman was sitting there.He and I had an argument and I left.He called me a few hours later on her phone!!I cursed him and hung up.He called me twice more within two hours using a different phone.About two days later,he called me to rescue him from the drugs and problems at the building.He took me down to meet her man,but she wouldn't let us all the way in her apartment,claiming the man was in bed.We came out to my place.In 2 or 3 weeks we found out that she got kicked out of the apartment for drugs.The next day we found out my man was gonna be evicted for the same reasons.I want a relationship with my man but I can't stop thinking that I was rejected by him for her and the drugs.I don't believe it was platonic,either because I know he wants sex with the drugs.He declares he loves me,but I can detect a change in his feelings for me.He is going to rehab because of everything,but how do I get past my feelings of rejection?He has said that I am pushing him away and I love him a lot,but I just don't feel he loves me,plus I can feel that he is not as sexually attracted to me.What do I do now?I have married and divorced this man twice over drugs.We have been involved off and on with each other since 1987.
First find a way to look at your self esteem that you don't feel like you deserve better. You are not disparate. You are just what we can codependent. Read a book for me called Codependent No More. it may save your life! This is very dysfunctional and you know that too. You should not settle and certainly not be with someone who uses drugs and has a "friend" like this. You deserve deep inside you deserve better. Chances are it isn't platonic. The drug world is chaotic and sexual encounters are taXXXXX XXXXXghtly. Face the fact that this isn't an accident. They are hanging out for a reason. If they aren't he is actively using. Don't be part of this dysfunction. When and if he goes to rehab and he is successful then consider a relationship. He is not in a position right now to even have a relationship.
Feelings of rejection? The only thing he cares about right now is drugs. It wouldn't matter if you were Marilyn Monroe. He has one focus. It has nothing to do with you. He can't play by the rule when he is having an affair with drugs. Remove yourself until he gets better
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
I own that book.He was using daily when the woman was bankrolling their habit.She spent money she didn't have and was put out of the apartment she shared with another man who was suppose to be her "husband".The man stayed and was not part of the habit.My man doesn't use daily now.He has always used once or twice monthly and drank beer a lot.I KNOW I should remove myself until he's clean,but I want to be with him while he is getting straighter.He probably will never be completely straight.Some of his habits are over 40 years old!!!He was in much better control before this woman came in the picture.She is gone now,but I am jealous of their relationship,although he declares it not to be serious.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I don't think the woman is the issue any longer.The real problem is the drugs.He has promised to attend the outpatient rehab starting Monday.He is no longer using daily.He has always drank beer and used once or twice monthly.With her bankrolling him,it was daily.Our relationship is ongoing.I own the book you recommended,I haven't read it.I have always been involved with alcoholic men and have several in my family of orgin.I am not a drinker or drug type.I am afraid that we will split up,so I want to work through this without being apart.
You can work through this together but don't become an enabler (you probably know what that means - read the book). You are his support and his clean role model so continue to support only a clean lifestyle. Give him no excuses. Just a note - a person who uses drugs usually doesn't continue drinking because it is so easy to go from one to the other. It will be most difficult in the beginning but it is possible to be a good support system for each other. it will be important for you to access the same avenues even as partner-AlAnon is priceless
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I was never asking If I should stay in the relationship.I also know I deserve better.I was asking how to make the relationship work.He is not using daily,any longer.She is not in his life at this time.He is going to rehab this week.I am concerned about my feelings of jealousy and inadequacy based on my size and age.I am trying to compete without losing myself.I want her out the picture FIRST,along with the daily drug use.Both seem to have lesser influence,but I am still very concerned.
Don't feel that you have to compete. This can cause insecurity and sadness. Instead focus on the relationship that is unique that you have together. He is with you for a reason. You are right that they must be gone. He has to do that however! Use resources to solidify your relationship and your insecurities. Work together day by day regarding drugs etc. and the rest will happen. In rehab he will also learn to appreciate the support of others. Offer a secure environment and consistent boundaries. The rest is up to him.
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am still feeling jealous because I sense a change in him sexually with me.He denies this.Am I being setup for more hurt?He also selected her company and drugs over me twice before during the holidays before he asked me to rescue him.Both of them declared their relationship to be platonic.The woman has a scandelous reputation,too.
Their relationship may be based on friendship and drugs. That happens a lot. Two people can use together and base a friendship on this dysfunctional interaction. He may even see her as another addict over a viable partner. That would also explain his relapses in her company. She may just resemble another chance to get high. She will put up with behavior that you won't. Her reputation probably is horrible but that doesn't mean anything. Nothing is for sure, but sexually he may just be responding to the destructive cycle that is addiction. His focus is on the drugs not the relationship
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How can this man love me and maybe enjoy some woman who is more streetwise better sexually?He denies any type of sexual relationship with this tramp,but I can sense he is not going to admit this to me.I am not a casual sex person and have serious problems with understanding.
You are completely right. None of this is fair or right. It is disrespectful and nothing that you deserve. He may not admit the truth and neither will she. The only thing you can do is push him to get help and discontinue this dysfunctional relationship. He is befriending her because she is streetwise. She isn't partner material. So you have some decisions to make with the knowledge that you don't really know.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
The relationship is looking to be over,brief but intense.He has expressed anger at me for ignoring him .I did ignore him and I knew he was a needy person.I was not coming over to visit him and took our relationship for granted.He has always treated me as important in his life,and suddenly I was made to feel like an outsider.I still feel inadequate.He says I'm the only woman he wants,but the sexual hesitancy makes me uneasy and worried about their bonding.I have never felt like that in over 20 years.We were apart for over 10 years once,and we picked back up as though we had never been apart.But now I feel somewhat alienated.He tries to make it up,but it's still there,for now.I am uncomfortable,feeling as though someone rated over me.Since he has always done some drugs,they have never came first.Could he really love or prefer this woman and be lying to me?I don't even know where she is,but it's like she is still in the relationship for me.I don't like this feeling.
He could be lying but the feelings you have aside from that are really important. You shouldn't feel alienated from someone or worry about their fidelity at any time. So what is more important is that this relationship is causing you to be unhappy. If you feel he has chosen her then the truth doesn' t matter. Your feelings should not be of distrust or inadequacy. Find the relationship that you deserve.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thats easier said than done.I do feel he chose her with the daily drugs and have not recovered yet from the hurt.The truth does matter.How do I find out?What are the signs that he is pretending with me?I also believe he really wants our relationship,but is conflicted.I am hurt.This woman is no longer around.How do I know its really over with those two?I also know that when she no longer helped with the drugs,she lost importance.I am confused!!!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
As unhappy as I feel,I felt worst when I thought it was really over.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thats it for now.I am awaiting your last reply.
Follow your heart because in the end you want most to be happy. You are exactly right in this type of relationship. When the satisfaction of using together no longer works, neither does the relationship. It is based on the addiction. You will never really know when it's over. That's where trust comes in and that's why it is important. You really only know the truth as he presents it and you have to be the judge of whether he is being genuine. I believe women have instinct about whether is genuine. You may have to start from a healthy place which starts when he's better. Right now help point him in that direction.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
A big problem for me is that I have never experienced such an overwhelming sense of rejection.I am overweight and do not feel able to compete with a much younger woman.Imagining them sexually makes me very sad.I have never cheated on this man and have had only two sexual partners since I was in my teens.This man gives conflicting messages.He says he wants to be with me and he is.But I can feel the distance,especially sexually.He is not attracted to me sexually and avoids me sexuallyI can tell that he has also changed sexually in the time we were apart..I feel like his mother.He is 5 years younger,and very immature.He hangs around people 20 years younger.He becomes very upset when I suggest we break up.I have helped him a lot and he is secure with me.This does not translate into a relationship that is satisfying to me any more,because I believe the other woman must have turned him on,by the way he treats me sexually.He also says we are too close to be just friends.I am confused.I also know I would be more upset with him not around.This is a mess!!!!
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I still want him.We are trying to work things out.She and he have not socialized in over a month,now.He is with me,daily and has declared his love for me,saying she was only a drug buddy.
I totally believe and support the elimination of the 'drug buddy" relationship and trust me that is a real thing. When people stop using their relationship drastically change. Misery loves company. They want each other's company because both use. Try to make this work. If he has done this, he is on the right track. Find a meeting in your area for him to go to and find positive influences.