How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask psychlady Your Own Question
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Im 22 and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend

Customer Question

Hi I'm 22 and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We recently went through an argument and I feel like it's just been getting worse.

It was the night before my birthday and my boyfriend got a call to to console a friend in need. I was hoping for us to be together but I understood that he needed to leave. After being with his friend for some time, he told me that he would do anything for his friend even if that meant going to a strip club. He knows how I feel about strip clubs and so I did not approve. He told me that I would just have to deal with it if they go. For the rest of night, I gave short responses to his text messages like yes, no, ok....etc. I knew very well what I was doing. I wanted him to feel bad because I was feeling bad about him being with his friend and possibly going to a strip club. He took it as me running a guilt trip and being "pissed off." So the next morning, I apologized and I told him that I shouldn't have been upset with him because it wasn't his fault that his friend needed help and that I shouldn't have acted the way I did.

Last night, I continued to apologize for the way I acted to help make things better between us. I told him how the going to the strip club comment upset me. He continued to say that he I needed to deal with it and he was going to put his friend before my feelings. I told him that I felt like he was putting all my feelings in the trash. And his words were "Yep, that's right." I felt humiliated. He later told me that he was not going to apologize because he has nothing to apologize for.

We've talked before about putting each other first. I told him that I put him and his feelings before anything else, but he believes that there should be no "first place." I understand what he says but I'm confused after his comment about putting his friend before me.

It upsets me that he disregards XXXXX XXXXX I want to have a future with him but I want my feelings to be respected.

I want to tell him that I think we need a time apart until he realizes that I need to be first and that my feelings need to be respected, but I can't help but feel selfish for saying that. And I'm afraid he won't accept me for it and the relationship ends.

I don't know what my question is, but I would really appreciate advice. I don't know what's the right thing to do, nor do I know how to approach him, or if I should wait for him to come to me.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I agree that you were being petty, but I agree more that a partner's feelings should always come first. Except maybe your parents. The point of being the partner is that someone always cares how you feel and why. He was very childish in hurting you like that. I would consider his lack of honesty and his disregard for your feelings as key to examining this relationship. A person that cares about you doesn't switch it off like that. I wouldn't worry about it ending but do whatever way you want to do it. I would go to him and give him a chance to have a rational discussion. If this continues, you know you have choices. You've apologized for your end and you can't take total blame. That's the problem. At some point you have to make a decision that makes you happy,
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
His friend found out that this fiance is cheating on him, and he was threatening to kill himself. My boyfriend thought it a good a idea to go to a strip club so that this would not happen. Is that grounds for disregarding a partner's feelings?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Absolutely not! This is about respect between the two of you. His friend is an excuse and he knows it. His friend was helped by strip club except to get a little drunk and a little inappropriate. There are no grounds
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
So it's been a couple of days and my boyfriend and I have yet to talk about our relationship. I have been thinking a lot about putting each others feelings first. This goes both ways, so, I need to do it too.

My mom and dad split up almost 2 years ago and my mom has recently gotten a house for her and me. I'm currently in college and I don't have a car so I live in one of the dorms. At the end of my school week, my mom will pick me up after work so that I can spend the weekend at her house. A few months ago, some really good friends of my mom's got into some financial trouble and my mom opened her doors for them to stay at her house until they get back on their feet. They are a really nice couple and have the cutest baby boy. But my boyfriend has an issue with the husband, I'll call him John. A couple of years ago, John use to think of me as his own daughter. He cared a lot for me. But he did some things that I was very uncomfortable with. He would rub my arms sometimes and kiss my neck and tell me that I was very beautiful. Nervously, I would just laugh it off and get away from that situation. I told my boyfriend about this and he got very upset with this man. He forbade me to see him at all costs. There was a time when John was caught cheating on his wife, I knew the time was probably inappropriate to mention to my mom, but I told her how the things John would do. She told Johns wife and now, John respects my space. We have barely just begun to shake hands and kiss on the cheek. (It is costumary to kiss on the cheek when greeting someone in my culture.)But nevertheless, my boyfriend does not like that I stay with my mom because John lives here too.

Even though I've told my boyfriend that things have changed, he still holds very strong feelings against John. He's told me before that he would not like me staying at my mom's house while John is there. Shouldn't I respect his feelings in this situation? I am afraid that my boyfriend will bring this situation to my attention and I will not be allowed to stay at my mom's house anymore...just like he will not be allowed to go to strip clubs.

How do I respond to him if he brings it up? Should I avoid going to my mom's house from now on?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Up until now I have sided with you but on this I side with your boyfriend. This was beyond inappropriate and a leopard doesn't change its spots. This in my world is considered sexual assault and I treat sexual offenders for a living. People don't just stop having inappropriate thoughts. I don't want to say to not go to your mom's because she didn't do anything wrong, but I definitely would not be around this man ever. You don't know what his thoughts are and you are giving him too much credit. you already know that he is willing to cross the line and disrespect both his wife and your mother. I would set some firm boundaries immediately and promise your boyfriend that you won't take your own well being for granted
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
For the time that John and his family stays with my mother, I can avoid seeing John by not staying at her house all weekend. It would be hard staying at her house while he's here because sooner or later, I feel that we would have to interact with each other. My mom usually picks me up Thursday nights and I can have a friend that can pick me up from school/work on Fridays. Do you think this would be a better arrangement?If you can't tell already, I'm not a very assertive person and setting boundaries seems difficult. Maybe me not staying at my mom's house all weekend is just avoiding and not actually setting boundaries.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
This is very smart. Please don't stay. Absolutely make the arrangement with your friend. No it;s not; it's common sense. You have boundaries. You are setting the best ones - I won't give you access to me now. That is a great boundary