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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Good day Im a 31 year old lady and my fiancee is 34. The

Customer Question

Good day

Im a 31 year old lady and my fiancee is 34. The first year our sex life was the best. Then I found messages of a naked girl and pictures they send back and forth I confronted him and he swear High and low he will never do it again. Since then our sex life went from three times a day to once in three months. We did discuss this but everytime he said his self consious because he picked up weight according to me his still as handsome as ever personally I feel he just need attention from other people and pictures to be turned on. Now I found porn on his cellphone and if that is not the worst part he does this during the day in the bathroom. Our wedding is postponed due to his dad that got ill now it just starting to feel like a blessing. everything else is perfect in our relationship its just the intimate part I feel so ugly im not fat but not skinny either and I just feel im not good enough call me old fashion but the porn would have worked if it was both of us watching in a way not that I feel its neccesary because why was everything hunky dory the first year makes me think who else was there with the messages. He hide the porn from me and I spoke about it nicely he denies it still but its only him on his phone and he is in the bathroom for 20min???? Please help shall I move on or try this thing but the problem is I dont trust him and if were intimitate I will wonder who does he think off???? Ive never loved someone as much as I love him but a relationship is not just about love. My dad loved my mom and cheated on her as if it is in fashion.....HELP PLEASE
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Porn is usually a form of stimulation but it can just be an addictive habit that he is engaging in for his own amusement. It doesn't mean he sees you as ugly or anything else. Women usually feel that way when they find out but it has nothing to do with you(I know that's hard to understand). It can actually be an addiction to viewing nudity in a way that is exciting because it is different. Seeing it together doesn't solve the problem. This could be resolved in counseling because he may see it as addictive. Neither does it replace physical intimacy. You could work on this together sort of like an alcohol problem. The secrecy is very disturbing and hurtful. I don't think usually replaces sex with you. It just feels like they are connected
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for getting back to me. We had a great talk last week and he was shy about it and admit that he does this but its only because his shy about his looks at the moment so he still need sex so he masturbate. I understand in a way and know this is verys selfish of him. The thing I think that bothers me the most is that he does this at work? So every time his to long the devil tells me lot of stuff.It does not happen everyday but stil it freaks me out. We will talk about this again I just feel that he needs these things because a year ago he cheated on me according to him it was just the picture sending to each other but I still dont beleive it. I have trust issues from the beginning due to my past my dad cheated on my mom and he knew this so I suppose I feel betrayed and sometimes I feel like im over it but im not and suppose I will never be. Now this. Its just not good for me and I understand some of it and suppose Im a bit stubborn not to understand half of it?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
You have a good point about your father. I can see how this could carry over. Keep in mind that the pictures are harmless and not cheating. However I can where you can feel that he prefers these to real sex. It is a little compulsive to have to do this at work. He is just seeking a nonjudgmental outlet. Not that you are, that's not how I mean it. It is a way to achieve stimulation without worrying if he is not attractive. You can work on this issue together and reduce his anxiety. You can bring your heads together or work with a therapist. Try to educate yourself about porn and work to trust together. The increase in intimacy will help. Schedule date nights together to increase romance and intimacy. Make sure this is a priority