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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My situation is, my girlfriend Cherry has a bestfriend/cousin

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My situation is, my girlfriend Cherry has a bestfriend/cousin who's name isXXXXX believes Trina slept with her ex-boyfriend Aaron. In anger Aaron told her so. Trina has admitted to Cherry that she slept with her sisters boyfriend and, her then best friends boyfriend. She deny's sleeping with Aaron. Cherry was married recently and, Trina would talk sex with her husband. Cherry ask Trina not to do that because it was very disrespectful to her. Trina continued to talk sex with her husband. Cherry and the husband broke up which is when I met her. Cherry tells me, if Trina starts talking sex to me, not to engage with sex talk with her. She also tells me, she can't control what comes out of Trina mouth but, she can warn the men in her life about Trina. I told Cherry, she needs to check Trina. Don't use the backdoor and check me. I told her she had better control Trina because, if she comes up to me talking sex. I'm going to talk sex with her. Of course I wouldn't really do that but, Cherry doesn't want to rock the boat with Trina because she is her best friend. Cherry makes exceptions when it comes to Trina. Cherry has also told me she doesn't trust Trina as far as she can throw her. We get into a heated discussion about this situation because, she feels if Trina talks sex to me, Cherry is going to hold be responsible. I believe if Trina talks sex with me, Cherry needs to kick Trina out of her life. She disagrees.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Whenever there is disrespect and people sleeping with other people's boyfriends it is a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't want a friend like that. A friendship should be respectful, honest and considerate. This is not. I would let anyone go involved in this. As far as the sex talk, I would not engage in such childish behavior because then I am operating on their level. Get Cherry to stop participating in this nonsense. Function as a mature couple with better things to do. I agree with you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Let me ask you one more question. Do you think Cherry should threaten her cousin Trina to stop talking sex with the men in her life or, risk losing? Or do you think Cherry should continue to warn the men in her life about Trina to keep from confronting Trina?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I don't think you should threaten anybody. You have to approach this with reason and deal with what effects you (Cherry). Otherwise let her do what she wants. She's the one that will be in and out of relationships. I think Cherry should warn the men in her life and approach Trina. Cherry should set firm boundaries with her men and with Trina. You can't change her but you can minimize the effect on Cherry
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I'm not Cherry. Cherry is my girlfriend. My name isXXXXX believe Cherry should not warn me or any other man in her life. I believe Cherry should handle Trina. And when I say threaten Trina, I mean threaten to break off the friendship with her if she doesn't stop the madness. Cherry doesn't trust Trina at all. I just don't see where Cherry and Trina can be so close as Cherry claims but, there's absolutely no trust on Cherry's part for Trina. Cherry says, she 65% sure Trina slept with her ex-boyfriend Aaron. Can there be close friendship without trust?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I agree with your reasoning but it is not so much a warning as a conversation. I agree that a friendship must be based on trust. If not, then it is best to let it go. A friendship absolutely has to be based on trust. Otherwise, the bond is not strong. If Trina slept with her ex and she knows that that would have hurt her friend, then she is totally out of line. It's almost like she has to choose between her friend and the relationship. The two can't function together .
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Again I don't understand Cherry can confess her love for Trina knowing or believing what she's done. Cherry says, if Trina did sleep with Aaron, she doesn't care because she's totally done with Aaron and that she's let the whole situation go in her mind. Again, shes making exceptions for Trina. Trina tries to get Cherry to talk about me and, how I am in bed and the size of my manhood. Cherry refuses to talk about me to Trina. Isn't that a sign of the type of person Trina is? Doesn't that subject Trina would do me if she had enough information about me?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
My experience is women do not usually let ex's go that cleanly and would feel betrayed by her sleeping with Aaron. But I understand what you are saying about being done with him. A woman might say I was done anyway but that's not my experience. Trina seems very preoccupied with your manhood etc. This is definitely a sign of the person that she is. Although women speak openly this is inappropriate and the way she is doing is isn't good either. I would wonder too why she is asking and for what purpose. That suggests that she is interested in you with no regard for her friend. That's too personal to be a coincidence
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
One more thing. Cherry is the matriarch of the family. Trina is extremely jealous of Cherry. About 5 years ago, Cherry and Trina were so close, Trina's then boyfriend demanded that Trina stop talking to Cherry. So she did for 2 1/2 years. But, now that Cherry has a close relationship with me. Trina continually shows jealousy. She hates that Cherry spends so much time seeing and talking with me and not with her. Trina has a boyfriend but, she's very interested in seeing other men. Trina has told Cherry she thinks Cherry should sleep with certain men. Since Cherry refuses to do that. Trina hates it and gets very upset that Cherry puts a relationship with one man over her relationship with Trina and other men. As you can see, Trina does not have Cherry best interest at heart and, I've told her so many times.
What advice can I give to Cherry to make her understand her relationship with Trina is a farce?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
You are completely right that Trina doesn't have her best interest at heart and is totally about herself and her needs. You can challenge that but she won't be ready to believe it until she is faced with the truth. In other words, in her own time. You can keep planting the seed and hope this wakes her up. You can't unfortunately speed it up. All you can do is be there when the light bulb goes off. You can point out casually examples of this selfishness and sooner or later she will reach the same conclusion.
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