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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Why does my husband masturbate to photos of my sister and what

Customer Question

Why does my husband masturbate to photos of my sister and what can I do to stop him and rebuild my trust for him? I am newly married, and this did begin before I married him. I married him because regardless of everything nasty he has ever done to me I still am in love with him..!! I can't remember when or how it began exactly, but basically while making love to my husband he would somehow bring my sister into the play.. mention her name ETC.. I can't remember everything exactly but he'd bring her into it somehow.. One time he started speaking about what he would like to do to her, see me do to her ect while we were having sex, so I decided to play along because I wanted to see how much he could really hurt me. I thought maybe he was just trying to annoy me initially or break me of from my sister through fear of them being together, but I can tell he seriously lusts over her. She lives 2 hours away but she comes to visit every month and while she was sleeping on the sofa once i was sitting on him and he started masturbating looking at her chest... it makes me sad people, i'm pretty sure this is not normal behaviour? I feel he is completely taking advantage of my love for him. I had a good talking to him anyway not long after that and I believed he'd stop the carry on.. But 2 nights ago he took my camera while we were having sex and brought it to a photo of her and zoomed in at her chest and he ..continued. Each time he does anything like this I feel so hurt, completely betrayed and helpless. I feel that even if he did stop he would still think of her when he wants in that way which makes me ill and so so sad. we are just newly married and I am in love with him... to make things worse i just had a miscarriage and my sister is pregnant with a bit of a belly. 3 nights after my miscarriage we were "making love..." (yeah right) and he asked me to push my belly out like i was pregnant which i know for a fact he was doing to just fantasize it was her! Anyways what can i do i do not want to leave him but i fear i have made a huge mistake in letting myself fall for him and marry him!!! (I SPOKEN WITH HIM TODAY ABOUT THE ABOVE SITUATION, I TOLD HIM I AM NOT BLAMEING HIM ENTIRLY AS IT TOO IS MY FAULT, BUT I FEAR IF IT CONTINUES THEN I WILL LEAVE HIM. HE SAID HE KNOWS HOW HE'S TREATED ME OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS AND HE KNOWS IT IS NOT RIGHT. HE SAID I HAVE TO BELEIVE THAT MY SISTER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH HER OR FANCY HER. IT'S TO DO WITH HIM WANTING TO SPICE THINGS UP AND ALWAYS GOING THAT BIT FURTHER TO MAKE IT FEEL EXCTING. BUT HE KNOWS THAT ASWELL AS IT BEING EXCITNG THAT IT HURTS ALSO. AND HE DOESN'T WANT THAT. I ASKED HIM EVEN IF HE DOES STOP HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW HE IS NOT THINKING ABOUT HER/ FANTASIZING WHILE WE ARE HAVING SEX.? HE SAID HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT APART FROM NOT DO IT. SO EVEN WHEN HE STOPS THE PROBLEM IS STILL GOING TO BE THERE IN MY MIND. THE HURT AND FEAR I GUESS. I GUESS I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE HIM OVER NOT FINDING MY SISTER SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE EITHER...IF SHE WERE REPULSIVE OR UNATTRACTIVE AS HE MAKES OUT, THEN EVEN THE TABOO OF FANTASIZING OVER A SISTER WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH.. ANYWAYS I TOLD HIM WELL I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO RID MY MIND OF THE PAIN BASICALLY.. SO WHEN HE'S NOT DOING IT IT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE HE'S NOT DOING IT.... THEN HE "SOLOMLY SWORE" not to EVER DO IT AGAIN BASICALLY.. WHICH I HAVE HEARD BEFORE! AND I SAID THAT TO HIM, I SAID MAYBE YOU NEED TO GET SOME TYPE OF HELP TOO. HE SAID "I'D RATHER JUST NOT DO IT" I do not know what to do. please help me. i am in love and married to him but i feel a massive hate for him too. i don't know if the only way of truely ridding the pain from me is to divorce him.. please help me i definatly need some outside expert advise!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!<br /><br />p.s I am not prudish in the bedroom whatsoever, and I also "allow" my partner to watch porn whenever he would just like a release... although when we first met, that hurt me massivelly and was a problem for me. but i learnt to accept that..<br />There has been massive hurt in our relationship, he has made me feel belittled about my body, not beig  massivelly forward or blunt to me, but i think he'd prefer if i had a larger chest(but still had my size 6 body...) so if i got breast implants basically.! And my sister has much larger breasts than me so maybe that's a reason why he does it?<br /><br />I do not know it's all very messed up, my mind is very messed up due to my relationship experiances over the past few years and even today i couldn't bring myself to go into work i felt like just staying in bed, i think i'm a feeling a bit depressed and quite hopeless and tierd...<br /><br />please help<br /><br />thank you
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 6 years ago.
BotXXXXX XXXXXne is you made a huge mistake marrying this guy. he has totally disrespected you and it won't be long before he actually cheats on you. I strongly recommend you cut ties with him immediately and end this hurt he has caused you.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Well you are not going to believe this but I treat people with sexual disorders for a living. So I have a lot to say.
Your husband sounds like he has a sexual addiction - I am almost sure he does. This accounts for all of the behavior you know about. Sex addiction is like drugs. It includes the inability to stop unusual behavior, ignoring the consequences (hurting you), frequent participation in unusual or hurtful activities. There are others but that's part of this addiction.

The "addict" is not able or is not willing to stop these behaviors. There has to be professional help whether through individual or marriage counseling. There are even 12 step meetings for this (sex anonymous).

Now as far as your sister, none of this is your fault! This is compulsive behavior that is no one's fault - not even his. He is fixating on someone that is sexually appealing but if it wasn't her it would be someone else. There is nothing you or her can do to stop this. He has to get help. It has nothing to do with your sex life either. There will always be temptations for him. They deal with that in therapy. Nothing on your support except his getting help will help not even larger breasts. Only get those if they make you feel better. Stop trying to live up to his expectations and support only treatment.

Marriages can withstand and get past such issues but it take commitment and a financial investment in treatment in your area. If you want to start with SO than you can investigate this online.

I hope this has been helpful.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Not sure what information you needed but I am here to help
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi there,

Thank you for taking your time to try and help, but I do not feel that he has a sex addiction. I looked into it and i really do not feel this is what the problem is! I have my suspicions he may have a narcissistic personality disorder.. It has been the closest match which I have came across!! :-/
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
If you (who know him the best) feels that his issues stem from narcissism that that is completely possible. As you know, their desires, whims, needs and emotions focus on themselves and the fact that it bothers you would be unimportant at the time. This would explain his focus on your sister and other sexual behaviors that have no regard for you. Because they are so emotionally self involved, this would require professional intervention with someone who is well versed in personality disorders. The very selfishness of their focus would make it difficult but not impossible to treat. They can also focus on the way it effects your marriage.