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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I live with my defacto husband, his daughter from previous

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I live with my defacto husband, his daughter from previous marriage (22 yrs old) & my daughter from previous marriage (23 yrs old). We have been living together for 10 years. My partner has hot temper & likes to drink, he hit me twice when he was drunk & after he said sorry. I forgave him as he promised not to do it again. But recently, it happened again, this time he tried to choke me. I was in my own daughter's room & she was also in the room. She yelled at him not to touch me & he then threw things at her. I could not stop what was happening, so I ran to my room & got my mobile & ran outside of the house to call the police. Luckily, there were people passing by & they help me to call the police & they calmed him down. The police took him to his mum's house to stay for the night. He came home the next day, I & my daughter moved to my brother's house to stay temporarily. He said sorry to both of us & promised he would not do that again. I still love him & don't want to break up. But my daughter insists on moving out on her own, I love her too & don't want her to move out, only 6 months more than she will graduate & look for a job, then she can live by herself. Her own father re-married & is living near us, she has moved to his house just 2 days ago. Last night she told me that she would move back to live with me thanks to her mum's friend advice. But, today she has told me that her father will find a place for her to live by herself & ask me to support her. I said that I've raised her up whilst her father did not support us financially since she was 3 yrs old and now he wants to stir up trouble, then he can support you, my hands are tied. I really want her to come home with me, how can I solve this problem? What else can I say to her? Please advise.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I have to answer this from a therapist's perspective. I am not a lawyer. However one thing you need to provide if you want her back is security. You cannot provide that in the house with a guy who hits you. She eventually will want you to make a choice, and you could lose her respect at that point so it is extra important to consider your choices if you want her back. Guys who hit often go through a honeymoon phase but they always hit again. She does not want to see or be involved in that. So you will have to make a choice in order to have her feel comfortable. If you are not willing to protect yourself and her there is nothing to say. She can be reassured but only if you are willing to make some tough choices. Short of that, try to explain why you choose to stay and let her be in a safe environment somewhere else.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Her dad has taken her to see a place for rent. She is to share a house with a single mum lady who has a 2 yrs son. This lady goes to work. My daughter was asking for my approval & she went on again about what my Defacto husband did & that she will not forgive him........ Then my defacto husband rang, he wanted to see my daughter to say his sorry again & wishes her to come home with us. While I was talking to him, my daughter jumped from behind my back, she wanted to hear what I was saying to him & her face was not happy. I was so upset & yelled at her, I could not control my temper because I was trying my hardest for us to be together again.
She drove off & said that I should not talk to her that way. Her dad said to her that he will pay for her rent. But I worry that she will not be able to look after herself. What should I do? Just let her move out on her own? My parents live quite far from us (about one hour drive). We live in the West & they live in the East side. It will be very far for her to drive to uni. from their house. Should she move to live with them? Please advise.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Sometimes kids surprise us by how they can begin to care for themselves. If you have raised her well which you sound like your heart and soul is in her, then she will be able to take care of herself. Even if it's far, you will be there to help her if she needs you to. Let her be happy and spread her wings. It may be just that she is feeling her sense of independence. She is not going anywhere because she is moving out. That first move is scary and she probably will be asking you often for advice. Allow her to grow through gaining a sense of independence. As far as your husband, it's not fair to ask her to tolerate verbal abuse or just plain tension. You have a loyalty to him. She does not so let her make this decision on her own
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