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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hello, My boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years and

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My boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years and it's been absolutely perfect except that we don't seem to match sexually. although i've never really had great sex-have never had the chance to do it with someone who pulls it out of me, i'm much more adventurous with sex, and desire more spontaneity and passion than he says and has proven he can give me. i'm still very attracted to him but he's just not a sexual person. i have brought up our sex life to him, but my choice of words hasn't been the greatest and it has only made him more self conscious.

our sex lacks in many areas, he almost never rips or even takes off my clothes and we barely even kiss. i usually suck him, we do it and he comes pretty fast. he rarely licks or touches me even though i express to him all the time how much i love it, and how good i think he is at it (he is!).

otherwise we were made for each other, we are absolutely in love. we understand, compliment and support each other, and we're best friends. we have so much fun together and get along so well it has made up for lack in the bedroom for all these years.

that said, i have become interested, if not obsessed with another man, who happens to be one of his (and now my) best friends. my boyfriend and he have a great deal of respect for each other. the friend (let's call him mark) and i have always had a sexual connection since the first time we met, and as it developed over time. mark also has a girlfriend of 4 years-though i don't think their relationship is quite as strong, it is good. one weekend alone we couldn't avoid the tension any more and ended up coming close to ravishing each other..maybe a little too close. he touched me over my panties and i passed my hand over his pants. after a year, nothing has subsided, it's only gotten worse. when we're together we attract, and we can't keep our hands off each other, even in risky situations. i'm worried our other friends might start to notice if they haven't already.

now that my boyfriend is out of town, i'm already planning to spend time with mark alone..but i am setting mental boundaries for how physical we can let it get that that i'm not even sure are ok, or if i could even stick with. at this point i have become so skewed by what i have (or haven't?) decided is "ok" to do with him.

everything about mark is sexy to me and i want nothing more than for us to bang like wild animals-and we would. it occupies my mind all day every day. i have never been this attracted to anyone, ever. it's so strong that i've even considered betraying the love of my life for the thrill of being with him. if he doesn't find out, could it hurt him? i realize how ridiculous this sounds, but on the same hand maybe it's not. i will never come close to satisfying the desire i have with mark with my boyfriend, and we'll never connect even close to the same way sexually. what can i do about this? thank you so much, and sorry this is so long.
It is a shame that you can't fuse these two together for awhile. But you have to make a decision because its hurtful whether he knows or not. Eventually he is going to know and the time span that you have been fooling around will get even bigger and he will be devastated. Not to mention the fact that it is his friend and the sex with him isn't that great. All of those make for one very big blow. you only have two choices and you must choose between them. If you stay with your boyfriend, you can search out different material to give it some spice. He may be one of those people where sex just isn't tat important. But there are different avenues you haven't explored such as toys or movies etc. I am afraid with your interest diverted to someone else you also may not give it 100% so you would have to focus on really improving the sex life without any distractions. If you choose to maintain a relationship with the new guy, then you will need to be committed on your and his terms considering he has a girlfriend. But also remember that this may not be a stable committed relationship and you have left your s.o. for great sex. In that case, he may not committed to you and you may be just to him a roll in the hay. It is a hard decision but they both seem to have different qualities. The longer you fool around the more chance that your s.o. will find out. There could be a possibility you will end up with no relationship. Try to get your s.o. involved in adventurous stuff that doesn't make him uncomfortable. Try things like toys, or porn or lubricants etc. He may find something he likes
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you so much for answering, and in such depth. your answer helped a lot. as a background, I have tried vibrators, which he'll use on me if i give it to him, but i think the problem with those is that he feels like a device is replacing him because he's not adequate and has trouble making me cum. lubes we could experiment with a little more, we've only tried a couple kinds which weren't the best but he actually seemed a little more interested in that idea. porn-well i'm big into porn and have suggested we watch together but he kind of giggles at the idea. i guess i should just show him some and see how he reacts. being that i'm so highly sexualized, i'm not really sure how i ended up with the one man in the world who could care less about it. don't all men dream of having a girlfriend that wants to watch porn have crazy sex all the time? joke- i know, but i know a lot more guys who would love that than who wouldn't. i think he's intimidated by my sexuality. he's really only interested in sex in the middle of the night when his boner wakes him up. and then it wakes me up poking me. what i want, or need i guess, is more interest, some foreplay, more attention to me and my pussy (<--sorry, not everyone's favorite word) i've told him i would love a massage, and he jsut says "i knooooow, but i'm not good at it". (he;s never tried!) i've tried to jump on him at random times, but he's always busy with something else and we end up having sex only at night, in bed. unless i suck his cock and then he can't avoid me. once he's into it it's ok but it's getting there that i'm bored with. and he knows it. i'm not the best at communicating in gentle ways so like i said, i've hurt him and made the situation worse by talking about it. now his only answer is "talking about it is not going to help." he's said he doesn't know what to do anymore. how can i show him without "Showing him"? he does like to do it in adventurous and new positions so that's good.

also, what i've done with mark i do feel bad about, but i keep telling myself it was nothing, when i guess it was something. am i a cheater now? what is cheating? i guess cheating would be doing anything i wouldn't want my boyfriend doing with another girl. however part of me is praying that he has cheated and will tell me so i can get mine too. sick i know. i've had problems with boyfriends in the past but i was young and stupid then. now i'm just stupid. i always swore i would NEVER cheat on this one. why would i? i've thought about suggesting we sleep with some other people to get some new experiences, and stay together but i guess this can't work. we just moved in together alone, have lived with roommates always. also i'm pretty sure he wouldn't even go for that idea, being that he has a low sex drive. our sex life has improved slightly since we moved in, but not a huge amount yet-it's been a month. i'm pretty sure he would be hurt if i suggested opening the relationship for a little while. i've even suggested bringing home another girl, which i'm not positive about but i like to keep an open mind. he did actually seem a bit interested in this idea but it worries me a little too, what if i get jealous? what if he does? and what if that makes me feel like now i deserve to get it on with another guy? knowing me that would probably happen.

thank you again so much for your help. our relationship is a special one, and all of our friends look up to us. i never want to lose him, i just want to have some other experiences-i think it would be healthy for both of us, and i'm worried that if we're monogamous for the rest of our lives i'll be even more on the verge of cheating in the future. i'm not even sure if i can be monogamous. it's only been 6 years and i'm almost dying for another man.
Thank you

If you don't want to be monogamous and that is the basis of your problems, then certainly be clear and honest. But if you want commitment then you can work on the sex life with him. Otherwise it is just an excuse to be with someone else. So you need to make a decision and stick with it. You may have to accept that he has a low sex drive and is not adventurous. If you remain with him you have to respect the boundaries of this relationship. You can do as a couple something he is not comfortable with so if that means sex once a week in the bed, then that's the way it is. If you are truly not going to be happy with this, then seek outside experiences but don't lie about them. Cheating is anything that he would not allow or encourage. If he doesn't want a threesome and you do it with 2 guys behind his back then that's cheating.


You can investigate more and varied way to spice things up but not so much where he is uncomfortable. Anxiety is not productive to his sexual prowess.


Try to figure out what you want, do it in a respectful way, and stick with it. Sometimes you can't have everything in one guy. But introduce ideas that are not so scary

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