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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im very confused. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years.

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I'm very confused. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We split up last year for 6 months because I wanted to be with other people but then got back together in may. We had a great couple of months together but then around october i started to get the feeling of being unsettled again. I cant really explain it but it just doesnt feel right anymore. The problem is that he is really very happy and thinks that by moving in together we will grow. If i made a list of things that i want in a boyfriend he would match it perfectly so i dont understand why i would want someone else. I dont want to hurt him but i fear that i will. I have cheated on him before and although he has forgiven me he is still very suspicious of everything i do and reads texts on my phone etc. I dont blame him for this at all as in the last month or two i have become very withdrawn from him. I cant see a way to make our relationship work yet the thought of breaking up with him scares me. What should i do?
I know its scary but hurting him is not fair either. First if you have such regular feelings for others than moving in or being together is not healthy. You can't have a healthy relationship if you are not giving 100% percent to that person. That's not just scary but detrimental to both of you. Just the cheating says everything. So it is not positive to bring him any further into a relationship that could include cheating and a complete lack of trust. If you are not committed to this, don't promote it by giving an appearance that there is commitment.

If you are going to try this again, be prepared that you will have to live with a total lack of trust. That means that there will be behavior like checking your phone as well as others. Regaining trust will be a lengthy ordeal. It will take total commitment to work on this. It seems the sex life alone is an indication that there is something wrong

You only know if you have what it takes to make this work. But don't maintain it because you are too scared to move on. This is unfair to him and to you.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How can I ever explain this to him? How am I supposed to say that I don't think it will work? Any time we have had any similar conversation I have just broken down as soon as I see how much he is hurt and agree to try again to stop him from hurting. I don't think i'm strong enough.
You have to be strong enough (find your strength) and tell him the truth. Keep in mind that when your telling it you are doing him a favor. How fair is it that he hangs on and it doesn't work out. Keep in mind that you are wasting his time and that it will only be worse with every year that goes by. Sooner or later (Probably later) he will appreciate the honesty. But you have to let him work through his own pain first. Be honest - the way you are doing here and assure him that it is nobody's fault.
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