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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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I met a girl at uni, not long after meeting her, her long distance

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I met a girl at uni, not long after meeting her, her long distance boyfriend of 2 years cheated on her and they had a break. I came very close to her but strictly plutonic but providing all her emotional support, then I distanced myself as I couldn't carry on with it. She came looking for me and she cheated with me twice, I thought I had won her over but unknown to me they had tried to save their relationship and the very next day after the second episode, she flipped on me, said she couldn't see me, that she still loved him, that after she had finished uni she hoped things would get better and that she felt sorry for him living in a city with no friends.
We started talking again and I provided her support for her last exams, then I stayed away. Her final day she asked me to help her pack, and then that night she asks me to come back to hers but I said no. She leaves the next day, and I get a text apologizing for her dunk behavior and as I had been such a good friend and thanks for being there, and that we must stay in contact.
Over the summer we would chat. She would say how she missed me etc, we talked and she said she just wanted to be friends, I told her I couldn't play these games anymore and we should act like friends which we did but contact was really reduced. Near her birthday I text her asking for her address to send her a card, she calls we talk for an hour, saying she thought I had been annoyed with her, she had got a job and she asked me as I was living with my parents at the time to come and meet her one evening as friends the week after her birthday for a drink. The next day she texts saying it was nice to talk, I send her the card but also some flowers, not roses with congrats on the job with no name. I didn't hear anything, I text her and still nothing, I know no one was in to receive the them so they went back to the florist, the next day I ring her, she picks up and was acting weird, she claimed never to have got a text so I tell her I sent her flowers, straightaway she says thanks for the flowers but I tell her I know you didn't get them, she pauses and I ask her if she is ok it sounds like you been crying, she told me something had come up with her family and she would ring me back. I get a text saying she would ring me and sorry for acting weird on the phone, then I get a drunk one the following night saying she wanted to talk to me the following day, I reply saying ok, but she never called, that was 3 months ago. (her boyfriend lives hours away from her)
I talk to her best friend, who is abroad 3 times a week, although she has no idea about the cheating, last week I was briefly in her home city and I thought this was stupid, so I text her that night asking how she was, I got a reply that night asking how I was and that she was busy with work all the time. I text back, and then nothing, 3 in the morning the next night I get a text, that she was sorry for not contacting me, I've been working and that she would message me tomorrow.
She never made contact exactly the same as before. I couldn't leave it 3 months again, so I rang her after three days and no pick up, but there was activity on her facebook that night, so she wasn't busy. I asked her friend if she's ok, and told her that we've hardly talked and when we have it was strange, she said she's had difficulty herself the last few weeks, although they do talk, and that the girl is depressed living at home and that she looks like she's breaking up with her boyfriend.
I don't know what to do, I've dated other girls but I still think of her. The thing that troubles me the most is that we were good friends and it went like this, and from where I'm standing for no reason at all, we were going to meet and then went to no contact in the space of a 30 second phone call. I want to be friends with her. Also I'm friends with her best friend, I don't want things to be difficult if she's angry with me. In uni, if things occurred I saw her around campus, I would act normal and things would be the same, she avoids difficult situations, and her father divorced her mother messily in her teens, which I believe has had a strong influence on her behavior, this is her first proper boyfriend, one when she was a teen cheated on her with his friend, the way she acted with me she couldn't have cheated before.
If something is happening with her boyfriend, am I a reminder, but then I don't know why she replied to me or say which I'm sure she would, rather than her messages saying she will call me, but in fact leave me in limbo. At xmas I will be at my parents and I also said I would see her bestfriend when she comes back. I want an answer for her behavior as I somehow feel I've done something? But I'm not sure I should press her, especially if she is breaking up with her boyfriend, I even thought about a jovial text such as asking her what I write on the back of her friends xmas present, just something to start us talking and being friends.

Dr. Keane :

Hi, I can help you today.

Hi, it sounds as though she is experiencing a lot of problems in her current relationship and isn't very reliable. If someone says they will call and doesn't then you should take a step back and not let her treat you like this. I understand you have feelings for her but she doesn't feel the same way. If you press her she may retreat even more and that would be the end. Let her drama unfold and if she breaks up with her boyfriend give her time to heal. If you are at your parents it would be fine to jot off a text saying you are around if she wants to hang out, that's it. Let her decide what she wants to do, she is going through a difficult time and it isn't fair to you to be left not knowing whether you are friends or not. Right now her focus is on her relationship and she may not be able to be a friend to you. Tough situation for you but if you wait it out you may be in a better place to revive the friendship.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
your right, months ago when she talked to me after cheating on him, she said she liked me but she loved him and she couldn't let the two years go to waste that things could get better, and it would take ages to get his influence out of herself if she did leave him. She would also say things like "we should have met a few years ago" and "i'll come see you on the way to driving up to see him as your on the way", I said no to that! So I guess at some point at least she did like me but not in the same way as him. She was confused then, and I told her I would give her space although that one night she tried to get me back to hers. We still talked, in fact she would always start the talking. I'm a phd scientist with a very logical mind and by my nature I like to understand everything that is going on, so her suddenly changing from planning to see each other to not talking is perplexing, rude and inconsiderate of her and it annoys me deeply, but is this intentional of her? or just not in her thought process? everyone considers her nice and kind apart from me right now. I originally left it 3 months as I thought whatever it was would go and I had enough on my plate myself, but she's done exactly the same now, drunken texts saying she wants to talk to me, but never contacting me. This is why i rang her, as I thought if I could just talk to her in person. I have no way of knowing her relationship status, and it seems my timing now has been bad. Should I still talk to her friend as much and meet her, if there is the possibility of the girl being there this xmas? Should I wait to see if she contacts me however long that is rather than messaging her when I'm home?
Hi, ah, logical versus emotional ....I am not sure you'll ever understand her reasoning since she doesn't seem to understand herself very well, or at least in regards XXXXX XXXXX boyfriend. I would talk to her friend but not about this situation, just be a friend, go visit at Christmas and if she is there be casual and friendly. I would be careful about contacting her, let it play out over Christmas, if she knows you are available and want to see her she can decide what to do, send a text saying you'll be around over the holidays. Puts the ball in her court and then wait. Wish I had a more concrete answer but she is caught up with the boyfriend and nothing is stable with her. I hope it works out well for you.
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