How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Dr. Keane Your Own Question
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Keane is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hello, Can anyone help me to decide what to do regarding

Customer Question


Can anyone help me to decide what to do regarding a relationship break-up? I'm a 25-year-old lesbian who broke up with my 41-year-old girlfriend on Tuesday this week. It was her decision, yet she keeps texting and calling and asked me to go on a lunch date on Saturday as 'friends'. I'm hurt and angry but I want her back because I love her. How do I play this? Here's the history...

My girlfriend, aged 41, and myself were together for 5 months. We met because we used to work together but in October this year we both left our jobs to take up posts elsewhere. We began to grow distant soon after. Texts, calls and nights together began to dwindle because she was tired due to the extra commute to her new job. I tried to respect her need for space, and only saw her at weekends to give her the space she needed to ease herself into her new post and deal with the stresses. Not being able to see her every night hurt a little, but not so badly that I outwardly resented her or kicked up a fuss. I just quietly agreed and understood because I knew it was best for her.

There was some passive-aggressive tension going on this past weekend. We had stopped communicating with each other about our feelings and emotions for some time and I thought enough was enough, I needed to start a conversation about how to make things better. I text her and told her I wanted to speak to her. She claimed to be tired and didn't make herself available to speak.

The following night she asked to see me which was unusual as it was a week night. I agreed but suspected she wanted to end it. She did. She told me she was sorry but she couldn't be the girlfriend I needed her to be because of time constraints and stress due to her new job. She had also lied to me about going to visit her mother this weekend when actually she just wanted to be alone but didn't want to hurt me by asking me not to visit. She said she knew I was hurting because she wasn't spending much time with me and that it wasn't fair that a 25-year-old was hanging around waiting for a tired 41-year-old to call. I explained that I didn't mind and I understood her need for time alone and that I hadn't kicked up a fuss about it, so why the issue? I didn't beg her to reconsider, I just pointed out that her reasons for breaking up were based on her interpretation of the situation and not based on my feelings at all.

I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't sleep, eat or stop the rip-roaring pain. I posted a message on Facebook to say I was hurting inside. She kept texting, which I initially ignored, and then began calling me, which I was going to ignore but wound up answering. We talked for 9 hours, cleared the air, were honest with each other, healthily argued a bit, but remained split up. She was angry with me because our ex-colleagues had seen the facebook message and had given her a hard time at work for hurting me (she still works in the same industry and has contact with them by phone). She accused me of using others to retaliate the hurt I was feeling. This wasn't the case, I just wanted some comfort from friends, but I ended up apologising for causing her trouble at work. She told me she still loved and cared for me, still found me attractive, and wanted to continue being intimate with me. Also, did I want to go on a lunch-date this Saturday that we had already arranged before we broke up?

I declined her offer for intimacy and said I'd think about Saturday's date. She retracted her offer of intimacy the next day and agreed it was a bad idea as it would mess with her head. I eventually agreed to go for the lunch-date, but now I'm having second thoughts because it's like I'm giving in to her every whim. To get her back, I need to do the whole reverse-psychology thing and not be at her beckon call. I'm also worried that meeting up too soon after all this hurt will damage my chances of reconciliation or that I will go with expectations that can't be met and be hurt all over again.

I love this woman, I want her back, but I don't want to rush things. I want to play it cool. I'm not texting, calling or hassling her. If anything, it's the other way around. But I don't want to refuse tomorrow's date and risk her feeling hurt or angry with me. It's catch-22....what is the ssnsible thing to do? What is she hoping to gain out of this lunch-date? If I go, do I risk more hurt? If I don't go, do I risk my chance to talk things through and reconcile? Arrgh!!

I would so appreciate some advice to help me make my decision and secure a positive future, preferably a relationship. Massive thanks to anyone who is willing to give me some advice to solve this dilemma.

With kind regards,

Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walt-mod replied 6 years ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'm a Category Moderator on JustAnswer.

Thanks for your question! This is not a request for more information and I apologize if this message caused you any confusion.

I'm sorry that you haven't received an answer yet. Most questions are responded to within the hour, but this can depend on different factors, including the difficulty of your question, how many questions are being posted by customers, whether or not this type of question can be answered in an online forum and how many Experts are on the site at the time your question posts.

I will go ahead and try to find an Expert to assist you with your question and appreciate your patience. You will receive an email notification when an Expert replies to you, just as you did here. Unfortunately, I can not guarantee a time-frame for which yours will be answered and I apologize a head of time if the wait is longer than expected.

Please do not reply to this message unless you do not need further help. If that is the case, please let me know and I can assist you with that. When you reply, it locks out the question from the Experts and will slow down their response time to you. If they need more information, they will let you know.

Please remember that if you get a satisfactory answer from your Expert to click the green accept button so the Expert is compensated for a job well done. Positive feedback is appreciated by them also. :)

If you have any questions regarding deposits or billing, please feel free to use the help link below:

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
Hi, I am sorry that your question was not answered sooner. Breaking up a relationship is difficult and you are caught in a "what do I do " situation. Meeting her for lunch may find you hurting more after seeing her. You want to take some of the control of how this works right now. You can tell her that it is too soon to meet her for lunch (kudos by the way for rejecting her intimacy request, can't break up and have sexual relationship), give her another date to meet, that will allow you to have some control. Keep up the no text, no calls. It sounds as though she is still emotionally invested. She is conflicted, not just tired. If you step back, give her time and no contact she may realize one of two things, one, she wants to be with you despite the distance issues or two that she is not able to give you what you need and ends all conversation. You have to be ready to accept her decision either way. Tough situation to be in and I hope this helps you decide what to do on Saturday. No games, just be honest and do what you need to do to feel that she isn't controlling the situation. I hope this helps. Please click accept and leave feedback.