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Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I broke up with my ex girlfriend 3 & half months ago, we were

Customer Question

I broke up with my ex girlfriend 3 & half months ago, we were together for over 4 years. We planned to spend the rest of our lives together and have a family. About 3 years ago as we were both young, she feel pregnant and being from a very strong catholic family decided to have an abortion which both affected us dramatically. We both wanted to keep it a secret and not talk about it, it ate us both up inside. We both never understoond how it made each other feel. I guess that bond held us together that we couldnt hurt each other. I started running a little online business and was working a full time job, i had a business partner who wasnt pulling his weight. Until I said enough was enough and broke off the partnership. I was under so much stress and was threatened with legal action and everything was building up for me and my relationship with my ex was suffering. We went overseas while this business was breaking up and I had a lot of anger build up and stress and I just didnt know what do do with my ex. We got back from the trip and there were concerns and no resolution from the business, that the ex broke up with me and I let her go, it wasnt fair for me to treat her like this. She suggested I go to counselling and I have been for 3.5 months and the best thing I have done. I recently wrote my ex a letter, just to let her know I was doing well and that I would love to remain friends and to catch up.

I texted her later in the week once I knew she got my letter and she texted back saying she had knew job which she hated and was feeling crappy, because she still missed me and couldnt get over me. She also said she needed to be alone to find herself again, she also says she wants more in a relationship. She is very stubborn, but has never been able to get over the terminated pregnancy. I asked her to meet but she doesent want to as it makes it hard for her. SHe doesent want me to contact her ever because it makes her sad. I have changed so much and been able to forgive myself for the abortion and finally find myself. I love this girl with all my heart and I know she does to.

What do I do? please help as I dont want to push her away

Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 6 years ago.

Hi JA customer and thank you for writing.


I am so sorry that you have been through so much of late. Your post is very sad indeed.


First off, do not assume that the abortion has any reason to do with her leaving you at this time. I am sure it impacted both of you a great deal and I also know that these events can stay with someone for a lifetime. That said, it does not mean that it was a critical factor in the demise of your relationship. It sounds rather as if there were more significant issues that caused this break down.


I am pleased to hear that you are in counseling and that you are making changes in life. Therapy is very hard work and I applaud you on this. That said, three and a half months is not such a very long time in therapy and while you may have noted some dramatic relief from issues that were causing you difficulty before, it is likely that you will have to do much more work before you see life changing behaviors. Keep up the good work. Keep seeing your counselor and do the work for yourself and your future without any conditions.


Finally, if your ex wants time alone and does not wish you to contact her, respect her wishes and leave her alone. The best way to drive her even further away right now would be to ignore her request for time and space apart from you because you are so anxious to repair the relationship. Your best chance of repairing this and moving forward with her is to respect her wishes and do not have any form of contact with her until she contacts you and expressly requests to hear from you.


I know this is a painful response to hear, but millions of us survive what you have described here and go forward with lives that are happy, joyful and meaningful. It may not be the answer you wished to hear and I know it does not bring you much comfort, but it is the expert response on this.

Take good care of yourself. Keep up the counseling and good luck to you.

Warm regards,