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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My boyfriend did not tell me he hung out with his ex-girlfriend.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend did not tell me he hung out with his ex-girlfriend. They are in the same group of friends from college and says he "couldn't care less about her." He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would just get upset, but him not telling me obviously makes me more upset! They dated for 6 months quite a long time ago, but he told me once she was his first true love and was devastated when she broke up with him. He says he loves me and I am the most important thing in his life, but I feel like I am going to have a very hard time trusting him now. He says I am acting like he cheated on me. Am I overreacting?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Can you give a little more information so I can give you the best possible answer?


Did he hang out alone with her, or was she part of a group he was with?


If she was part of a group, have you ever had the chance to join him when he hangs out with them?


Thanks--I look forward to working with you on your question.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
It was part of a group. He is very good friends with her cousin, who is a guy. He said he didn't know she was even going to be there, which I believe. I have always been sensitive about his relationship with her, because they lost their virginity to one another. Also when we were dating for just a month (we have been dating for 14 months) he called me by her name when he had been drinking. He says I have nothing to worry about, and I want to believe him, but I don't know.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Thanks..that helps a lot.


My instinct on this situations tells me that unless he has given you real cause for worry (not keeping his word, not being where he says he is, not being dependable) I think you should believe him.


If he had arranged for her to be there, it would be a different story. If he has been a "stand up" guy in general, don't look for trouble where there doesn't seem to be any.


He has chosen you, you've been together for over a year. Everyone loses their virginity to doesn't mean a lifelong love. Remember that sex to a male is less emotional than it is to a woman, including the first time.


You will do far better to act confident that of course he wants you over her. Acting insecure and threatened by an insignificant contact will do nothing to strengthen your relationship. Act as if you value yourself, and it teaches other people to treat you the same way. Don't focus on the tiny negatives, like calling you the wrong name after only a month of dating when he'd been drinking. Judge him by his day to day treatment of you and his character.


Hold yourself proud and don't relive every mistake he's made. If the vast majority of the time he is dependable, trust him. Men will do almost anything to avoid feeling ashamed or inadequate...including getting defensive and backing away emotionally. You can ensure a longer relationship by recognizing and praising his good points than by focusing on his mistakes.


While no one wants to be made a fool or get hurt, I don't see anything in what you have related that sends up red flags...assuming that he is normally trustworthy.

Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you! I think deep down I know that it is my insecurity, not his actions, that make me question his behavior. I try and act confident, but I have confided in my boyfriend that I have trust issues and issues with self confidence. Do you think this is a mistake? He treats me well and I want him to know that I think highly of myself (which I do sometimes) but is it a mistake to tell your boyfriend that you're insecure?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Can these posts be deleted? If they are public, will my email address be included? I'd like them to not be posted if possible...thanks!
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

No worries...your email address is not shown anywhere, not even to me.


Men like to feel that they have "won the prize" of a wonderful, confident woman. But regardless of that, It would be in your own best interests to work on and improve your self-esteem /insecurity issues rather than asking him (or anyone else) to tread lightly around them. The earlier you start building your own internal sense of security, the better. If there is a way you can get therapy, either individual or group (less expensive), I would highly recommend it. Here's a link to the biggest therapist directory on the web.


There's also a book I recommend you read--it has the best explanation of the male and female differences in relationships that I've ever found--disregard the "marriage" part of the title as the information can be helpful to anyone in a relationship, and it's all based on research, not opinion. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It


I've enjoyed working with you on your question!




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