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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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For Angela Hi Angela... So I finally got the chance to

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For Angela

Hi Angela...

So I finally got the chance to talk to Chris about where we were going. I did see him this past weekend, but it was only briefly and he looked so exhausted and miserable that I decided to wait. So I brought it up again with him tonight.

Because I was nervous, I didn't get it out as clearly as I had been rehearsing in my head, but I did get my point across: that I wasn't trying to pin him down or demand 100% commitment, that I brought it up because I wanted to determine a) if he liked me and b) if he saw this turning into a relationship, and if we were on the same page about that.

I'm feeling more upset than ever.

I got more detailed explanations of what he's going through. And in further listening to him he said things will get better, they always do, but right now it was pretty bad, especially since he also suffers from SAD. He said he feels a bit better because he found out something about how he could get a crtification he's been needing and thus get him out of the branch of health care he's currently in and is making him miserable. He said he's also trying to reform relationships within his family and is hopeful about how that will turn out. He also said he's trying not to be a fixer for everyone anymore and is trying to take better care of himself for a change.

In response to my question about whether or not he liked me, I didn't get an answer at all either way, and then when we were standing beside my car outside his house, he said that these days he doesn't feel anything for anybody, that in a nutshell, he is numb because he feels so "effed up in the head". And in response to my question about whether he could see us being in a relationship or not, I got a "sure, I don't see why not", and then he followed that up with a statement that right now the most important thing to him is that when we go out together we are able to enjoy our time together and have fun, which while not altogether unreasonable because that's all anybody wants, was an AWFUL follow-up to his completely insensitive sure why not comment lol...

And yet AGAIN after all this he still wants to see me this weekend! I really don't get it. It's weird to me because I totally understand what he's going through. Career-wise I get it 100% because for the last four years I've been working on changing mine and I finally am moving in a direction I want to be moving in. Family-wise, the few issues he's touched on with me, I get that too because the little I know sounds similar to MY family. Identity-wise, his thing about trying not to be everyone's pillar or rock and, while he doesn't want to be that person anymore, it's all he's ever known and he's having trouble adjusting to that, I understand that too because I am ALSO that person.

I realized tonight the men I have always attracted are like this. Totally unsure of themselves and where they are in life, and to an extent even of who they are as well. I never thought I was a fixed, but apparently I am. Every guy I've ever dated, including my ex fiance, was going through this type of identity crisis/emotional crisis on one level or another.

So it's not that I don't understand what he's going through. I don't understand why he continues to say he doesn't want to drag anyone into what he's experiencing right now, but continues to more or less string me along. He couldn't even say he liked me for God's sake. If he's so numb, why does he continue to want to spend time with me? Or if he WAS so numb the first time he ever asked me out, why even bother asking me out at all? Just because I am so different from anyone he's been with before, that he feels he's never had a positive relationship before, and that I am the first person he's ever spent time with that is mature and calm and that he can talk to logically and rationally without flipping out completely on him? Am I just being used as an anchor? And I really believe if all he wanted was friendship, he would have no problem saying that.

The fact remains, I AM involved. And I know the more involved I become with him, the more time I spend with him, the more emotional energy I devote to him, the more invested I will become in him and eventually I will fall for him in spite of myself and I'll just end up hurt. Again.

Is the right answer what I am thinking, and that is to just either cut and run altogether, or at least take a major step back. Is that what we would logically tell people to do in my situation? I feel like if I were talking to a friend, I would tell her to back off before it was too late. Is he stringing me along on purpose? is he that messed up that he really is numb and can't even determine if he likes me or not? What kind of answer to the question "can you see us in a relationship in the future" is "Sure, I don't see why not"? I like him. I really do. I've come to care about this person over the last few months. I've come to enjoy spending time with him, getting to know him, and I want to keep getting to know him. I've come to the point where I want to try and be there for them if they want me to be. But I also still have a wall up because HE'S had a wall up. He's so damn guarded and I'm beginning to understand why.

And after all is said and done, if the answer is to at the very least step back if not stop seeing him entirely, how do I find the strength to do that?
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

I read over our previous exchanges as well as your most current post and it appears that he is emotionally unavailable to be with you in the manner that you desire especially since you have laid your cards out on the table and he still chose not to give you a sincere answer along with constantly wanting to still you under a veil of vagueness. The sure why not....let's see each other a vague and unemotional answer which is consistent with a man who is not emotionally available to you, click here to read more about this for informational purposes. Check your library to see if it has the following book which can also help you understand his behavior further; click here for the book. When he speaks of being numb and etc. but yet he chooses to still want to see you along with all of his other behavior; it causes me to be concerned for your mental and emotional well being because you have 100% of your emotions involved and he is not being emotionally available to you. Therefore, based on all of our exchanges up to this point, I now think the best thing for you to do is to place some space and distance between you and him and to move on in your life without him for your own mental and emotional well being. I think that if you continue down this path with him that you will only continue to be disappointed and hurt and you deserve far better than this, especially since now we know after you have laid your cards on the table that he is not going to be emotionally available for you but he will still use you for your company which is terribly painful. I am so sorry this situation has turned out in this manner but I am glad that now we finally know what his intentions are based upon the last conversation you had with him when you laid your cards out on the table. As a result, now it's time to put all of your energy into focusing on yourself and on beginning the healing process. As you focus on yourself here are some things you can do to help with the pain:

1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this extremely painful experience with and who will also help you through it. Also, consider attending a local support group to help you through this painful time.

2. You are dealing with various normal emotions and great pain due to discovering that Chris is not emotionally available to you, therefore, if possible, I recommend going to see a therapist, counselor, etc., in person on a weekly basis to help you heal from this along with the natural emotions you feel and may feel as you move forward (hurt, depression, confusion, frustration, anger, etc.). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).

3. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will help you through this difficult time and it will also help you to heal. Also writing down you feelings in a journal is therapeutic because it allows you to get your emotions out and onto paper thereby providing a release for you.

4. Lastly, a book I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation, which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:
Also, be sure to write in your journal the different emotions and memories you have as you read through the book in order to continue the therapeutic process to help you heal and move on. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but slowly and surely you will be able to overcome this.

Angela and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you