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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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Is my relationship unhealthy or am I unhealthy I have been

Customer Question

Is my relationship unhealthy or am I unhealthy? I have been in a long-distance relationship for five months. My boyfriend and I talk several times a day, but I wait on that every phone call. If I can't reach him, I become very anxious and upset. My friends tell me the relationship is unhealthy. When i am with him, I am very happy, though I realize he has some small traits I don't appreciate. Also, even though we have talked about my anxiety over missed phone calls, he admits to having turned off the phone and playing games with me about the phone. I have read some information on passive-aggressive and wonder if that is what he is. It is taking over my life and career. I have lost an extreme amount of weight. I don't feel good about myself anymore except when I am with him. Also, he and everyone around me tells me this is my fault due to my anxieties and insecurities and that I have to fix this. there is just something gnawing at me over all of this.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It sounds as if those around you do not realize that it takes two to make a relationship succeed, therefore, everything cannot be your fault. Since he is blaming you for everything, I suggest considering discussing the above point with him and to ask him what it is he wants out of your relationship (-also do the same for what you want out of the relationship) and then agree that you both will work together on your relationship in order to achieve what you both want out of it. For example, instead of him turning off the phone and playing games with you, ask him to tell you why he does this and discuss ways to move beyond this in a healthy manner. For example, if he says he does this because he wants some space, then discuss how you can give him a little space such as maybe talking to each other twice a day instead of several times a day. Additionally, it also seems that you need to improve your self esteem because it appears to be tied to him which could be why you only feel good when you are around him. We all have to work on various areas of our lives from time to time, it is normal and a healthy process to go through and you are certainly worth it.

Two books that I recommend to my clients who are dealing with self esteem issues are below, see if any of them are of interest to you. I also suggest keeping a separate journal solely for improving your self esteem and for writing down your thoughts as you work on your self esteem. As you work through the books also write down your reactions to what you read, especially any memories which may be triggered- doing this is therapeutic because it causes you to focus on the issue at hand.

The self esteem improving techniques book, by clicking here:

The self esteem workbook, by clicking here:.