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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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My husband and I separated 1&1/2 years ago after I discovered

Customer Question

My husband and I separated 1&1/2 years ago after I discovered he was having an affair. I'm not sure if I want to be with him again, but we are talking about trying to work things out. He asked me what he would need to do to help me trust him and get back to positive, loving feelings towards him.
In the past, I've thought that having access to his phone records, emails, etc would help me trust him ... but he had a 2nd phone at one time so that wouldn't do it. And he taught me that there is always a way to hide an affair if someone wants to. I just don't know what he could DO that would help me.
There are many things he could SAY that would reassure me and make me feel more secure ... but he won't do that. I know people express love in different ways but that doesn't help the way I feel. He is basically refusing to use words to express his feelings and I feel like that's really what I need. We're at a stall and I wonder if that means we're just not compatible.
I feel that if I am willing to take him back and try to work things out after he had an affair, he should be willing to try to use words to tell me the things he is feeling. I need to hear "I'm so sorry. Please give me another chance!" I don't want to throw away a long relationship {with children} over something stupid ... but I also don't want to get back into this relationship if my own needs will never be met.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Please know that you would not be throwing away this relationship- if the relationship does not work it is because of his betrayal to you in the pass and his lack of doing what it takes now in the present to make the relationship work (which he should be bending over backwards to do if he is really serious about being with you). Therefore, what he can do is the one thing you have already told him- use his words to tell you how he feels. Please know that it is impossible to have a healthy relationship if one person refuses to verbally communicate. Additionally, using his words is not enough, he also needs to show you that he really wants you back by agreeing to do what you ask of him- for example, in lieu of his past, it is more than appropriate for you to ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you so that the two of you can try to rebuild your relationship from the severe damage that he has caused. The one red flag present: he refuses to communicate with you in the manner needed. As a result, I suggest (-using your own words) that you tell him that he needs to go to marriage counseling with you. If he refuses, you would then have your second red flag: he is unwilling to do what is required to get back into a relationship with you. If he refuses the marriage counseling, then my opinion would be for you not to take him back because of the two red flags I described above along with the fact that he doesn't really want to get back into a relationship with you because if he did he would be more than willing to do the above things especially in lieu of him being the one who has seriously damaged your relationship (-he would be the one choosing not to have a relationship with you again and he should be beyond thankful that you are considering even taking him back).