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Ask Kristin Your Own Question
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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Hello, Im in a realationship where my ex left about six months

Customer Question

Hello, I'm in a realationship where my ex (7 years) left about six months ago. Then two day's later she tells me she is leaving town with an ex that she has recently been talking to him again as friends. She goes and comes back, says she don't know if she wants to be with me or him. It should be noted that I wasn't the best boyfriend the last few years, never cheated thought, just in terms of being there for her and affection. First five were good though.It should also be noted that she repeadetaly asked me to marry her just prior to leaving, however i wasnt ready.

When she came back I told her I would change and she came back to me. She agreed but stated she also wanted to hang out with him as friends, but I was number 1. When she came back it was alot better for about two weeks, sex was good, paid attention to her. But something came up one day and we had a bad fight, about him. We decided to call it quits.

The next day I found out she went right back to him. It's been like that ever since we been trying. Just last week she stated she was done with me, first time ever, cause I keep bitching, arguing with her, cause she doesn't really spend that much time as we did with each other anymore. She said me and him don't argue, we do. She went right back to him the next day.

She does make attempts to come back to me periodically here recently again, but for awhile she didn't seem like she didn't want nothing to do with me. I finally got tired and said I was moving on about month ago. When she finally began to spend more time with me. I found out that she went out with this guy when supposedly he was gone during that time with never did nothing. Got pissed and we just end up right back where we started.

A week later, now she is saying she wants to spend time with me this weekend and work things out with him still around though. But I have been arguing with her alot and she would say lets hang out this weekend. Then I would bring up something about this guy or something, then she get pissed. She takes it away. And this guy is like good friends with her best friend's boyfriend. So its kinda like they got there own thing. She was always loyal to me before, but I don't know anymore. Feel like she is playing someone. Just don't know who. Might be me.

She tells me he is an old friend and that she don't have intimate feelings for him like she does me, just goofy fun. But says she don't want to get rid of him cause she has fun with him. She says I can be stiff sometimes now, but I'm fun to be around to. I used to not be like that and start fights. Because her keeping this guy around drives me crazy.

It may be over. I dont know. She sent me a email stating that part of her don't want to move on, but part of her does cause she thinks I will never change. I'm really been trying but it's hard with this guy and how she just takes time away from us just because I start an argument about this guy or not spenging enough time together.

I know I would of left a long time ago, but we been together 7 years. I'm ready to, but just want to make sure. Cause she will leave but will come back to me when she see's i'm leaving. What should i do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.


This has become a cycle that you are both playing into at this point. It really sounds like the "other guy" is someone that is convenient for her to run to, when you and your girlfriend are having problems. Also, most of your problems are now because of her involvement with this other guy. Who she then turns to, when you have a fight. So it's like a circle that needs you to break this pattern. It also sounds like she may not be completely honest about her relationship with this ex boyfriend and that she is actually with both of you at the same time. Even if he is just a "friend" that she is just having fun with, she is disrespecting your feelings about him in her life, and she needs to stop seeing him altogether, if you and she are going to work on your relationship.

What you need to do, is be the one to break this circle. You do that by not asking her to hang out with you for example, this weekend. You tell her that until she is ready to see you and only you, and also let this ex boyfriend go, that you cannot see her. She needs to make a choice and again, needs to understand that even if he is just a friend, her involvement with him, is causing problems in your relationship. That he has been more than a friend to her in the past, and even recently she had admitted to still having feelings for him. This situation is one that you don't need to tolerate, even if you have your own things to improve. So again, be firm and simply tell her that you want to be with her and have a good relationship, but can only do this if she will stop seeing him.

You see, every time she runs to him when you two have an argument, it breaks down your relationship and bond with her. She needs to work it out with you, not run away to him. This is just one example of why this triangle is destructive. Again, it's important that if you do set this boundary with her that you follow through,otherwise she will walk over you even more. Please click ACCEPT, if satisfied. Or ask for more info. Thank you!

Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.
Do you have any more questions for me about this? If not, please click ACCEPT otherwise I'm not credited for my assistance. Thank you,