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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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I went out with a long-time friend very briefly (4 weeks).

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I went out with a long-time friend very briefly (4 weeks). During this time, we became sexually involved. I thought we were exclusive, but she did not, and she ended our relationship to be with a guy she just met. I later found out that she went on a date with this person before she clearly ended our relationship. I was extremely upset by this and I told her why. I think she felt bad about the situation and that she did not intend to hurt me. Initially, she tried to just resume our friendship. I was unable to do this, and wanted her to realize how much she hurt me. For the first 4 weeks, I let her initiate any contact, and she did so about once a week (we would occasionally meet for lunch w/ a 3rd friend, and I was cordial and did not bring up the situation). During the last 4 weeks, my anger/hatred has softened, and now I want to just resume our friendship. I don't care that she is dating this new person, and I want to pretend like the whole situation never happened. However, she has been declining my invitations to lunch. I don't know if she is really busy or avoiding me. She has still initiated some texts to me, and we have been placing the ball in each other's court. I am afraid that if I keep inviting her to do things she will become annoyed and make a habit of saying no. I don't want her to associate me with drama. On the other hand, I don't want her to think I am ignoring her. I am having a hard time trying to read her feelings (perhaps because they change every week). Although I feel the ball is in her court, should I invite her for a friendly cup of coffee or a jog, or should I just be more patient and let her initiate? Is this person some kind of sociopath that I should just keep my distance from (although it would hurt to end our 10-year old friendship)?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

Hi I can help you with this today.

Dr. Keane :

After reading your chat it seems to me that you feel your friendship is more important than the "drama" of your short lived "couple" relationship. I would suggest that you tell her what you feel, that you are not looking to "date" her anymore, you want to just be friends again. You both misinterpreted the situation, admit that to her and move on. Tell her what type of relationship you want with her and you may find she will be feeling a bit relieved to know you aren't interested in her romantically. Then you may see her more open to meeting you again for lunch, coffee. The most important part of any relationship is good communication, open and honest. Try this and see how things work out.

Dr. Keane :

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JACUSTOMER-gxqkezf3- :

Well, I agree with what you wrote, and told her all of the above. She agreed, and things seemed to go straight back to normal. Then we went to a mutual friend's b-day last night. After some drinks, she admitted she fell had fallen "in love" with me (when we were dating) and then attempted to make out with me. Unfortunately, she is still dating this new fellow (absent from the bar), and, in fact, is going camping with him this weekend! I told her this, and didn't kiss her back. We talked and her mood appeared to change every 15 seconds from happy to forlorn. I told her I'm OK with her dating her new BF, and saying that seemed to sadden her. At the same time, it upset her when she made me admit I also fell in love with her while we dated. In the end, I decided to just repeatedly tell her was that she was my friend and to never doubt that. I think she has a lot of internal conflict and mixed feelings resulting from dating too many people without resolving her feelings between dates. She wants to date me, and she doesn't want to date me. I don't know what I can do to normalize our friendship because much of the drama is coming from her confusion. There is a legitimate chance that she was so drunk she won't remember what she did or said, but that's probably wishful thinking. Nevertheless, I intend to just act as normal as possible around her and pretend like the conversation at the bar never occurred.

Dr. Keane :

Hi, I agree that she sounds very conflicted and confused. You are doing all the right things to try and maintain a friendship. It's unfortunate that she has this need for drama. Just stay on course with what you are doing and know she is the only one who can sort out and confront her own conflicts. You are there as her friend and that's a good thing.

Dr. Keane :

AND, if you do go out as friends know that as drinks are consumed her inner conflicts will emerge, just as they did last night. Please click accept and leave feedback. If you are a subscription customer you still need to click accept so I get credit for my answer.

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