Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

My husband had an emotional affair with achurch member about

Customer Question
8 months ago. It lasted...
My husband had an emotional affair with achurch member about 8 months ago. It lasted for 2 months. We are very active in our church. I volunteer in several activities and my husband is on the church council. The other woman is in the worship band. Their affair started on Facebook. We have since closed all Facebook accounts and the thought of Facebook is very negative. I suspected just about the whole time, anyway, I could go on and on about things that happened. Even his mother asked about their talking so much in church without me around. I found my "proof" in my husband's e-mail. More info there I can get into. Once again-the main thing is that I see her in front of me (in the band), have to listen to her solos, etc. Her mother also treats me differently. We have stopped all communication with her and my husband has tried so hard to show his love for me and I do feel closer to him but I hate going to church. I showed the e-mails ti our marriage counselor, my individual counselor and my psychiatrist. She prescribed Xanax and that makes me sleep all day after church and I miss out on our 3 kids (16, 16, and 13.) I can't get the affair out of my mind. My husband gets so angry when I bring it up. Our kids were baptized at that church. They had their First Communion there. They were confirmed there and our youngest is in the last year of the Confirmation. My husband and I met there and were married there by his father ( a retired Pastor). All 3 professionals I talked to stated that she was manipulative in her e-mails. Actually, 4 of them did (I switched individual counselors when she changed her practice to children only) Switching churches, seats (we always sit up front in front of the band since I got a lot out of the music) would cause so may questions. I did write her a message on Facebook sying that through the grace of God I forgive her. In reality, I don't. I hate her and her smug attitude. I know she thinks my husband has only stopped "talking" to her because of me. She never apologized to me. I had invited her into our home before the affair to comfort her when her husband left her because he had an affair. I could tell the way she looked at my husband and the way they talked that there was an attraction there that night. She "friended" him a couple weeks after with a private message. They never posted on wall, they communicated in private messages and on Sundays. Like I said, it would be unexplainable why we would change churches. We tried to find another church and the kids complained and complained. She has never been involved socially with people from church until my husband. After the affair was found out, She "friended" his best friend, also a married man. No affair there though. I don't know how to get over this. I know what to do but I can't get past the hurt. I keep getting told by my counselor and Pastor ( my husband admitted the affair to him when I was present, not his father) that it is "choice" I have to make to "Let it go". I can't. Bitterness has set in. No one knows in our family although some suspected and he told his brother. I hate seeing his brother now because I am so embarrased. How do I get rid of the bitterness. I read my Bible, several books, etc. and it is OK until Sunday rolls around or it pops in my mind and I can't get rid of it. Please help
Submitted: 7 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 1 hour by:
10/23/2010
Counselor: Jennifer, School Psychologist replied 7 years ago
Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Verified

Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com! I hope you don't mind that I've switched us to Q&A mode -- I'm having difficulty getting answers to post using "chat" mode this evening. Hopefully that won't be a problem here.

 

First of all, I'm terribly sorry to hear about the emotional affair your husband had and how it's impacting both your relationship and your ability to attend the church you love without thinking about it. What's unfair about that is that when you go to church, you're going there for spiritual fulfillment -- not to be reminded of any personal relationship issues that have caused heartache. I imagine that's very difficult for you and cause for further resentment.


It's very normal for you to feel various strong emotions at once while going through this. Anger at the woman from your church and at your husband for allowing this to happen. Grief over the loss of what your marriage was prior to all of this happening. This is not to say that it can't be rebuilt, though, and that trust cannot be established again. It sounds like you're already on the right road in that he's working hard to cease communication with this woman and making you the priority in his life. I'm also glad to hear you're working through all of this in individual and marital counseling.


I wish I had an easy answer for how to put all of this behind you. However, as I mentioned before, in many ways you are grieving. Grief is not an easy or quick thing to work through and unfortunately tends to crop up at unexpected times in unsettling ways. The good news is that it will get easier. Continue doing what you're doing (counseling, spending time with your husband, making efforts to connect with one another and show your love for one another) and remind your husband that expressing your feelings about all of this -- as difficult as it may be for him to hear -- is only going to bring you closer in that it allows you to have open, honest communication with one another. Ask him how he is feeling as well. Talk about what might help you both to feel more secure in your relationship and closer to one another.


I do wonder if attending another church would be easier for you. I understand it's not what your family wants, but perhaps you could try another church periodically to see if there is another that is an equally right "fit" for you and your family. If not, is there another service on Sundays you could attend (earlier or later)? Lastly, you might try a cognitive exercise to refocus your attention when you find yourself thinking unwanted thoughts on Sundays. When they creep into your mind, you simply tell yourself, "No" or "Stop." Some people find a visual image helpful (a stop sign or a steering wheel, for example) followed by a pre-determined phrase you've chosen to help you through that moment. This phrase might be a reminder of your husband's love for you. Or it could be a reminder of why you're there and how important it is for you to focus on that instead. Experiment with self-talk to see if there is something that helps you through that moment and leaves you feeling in control of your thoughts / feelings.


In the meantime, I'd suggest you begin journaling if you're not already. Sometimes writing down all of our feelings during difficult times can help to sort through it all. Reflecting upon those pages later can help us to see that we are, in fact, making progress (even when it feels as if it's a snail's pace!) I wish you the best of luck with all of this.

Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Verified
Jennifer and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 7 years ago
We actually quit marriage counseling because we were at a better place and I hated going there and dredging it up again. She was also my individual counselor and I tried her suggestions and they didn't help. She said I have to make a "choice" to forgive. I try but I can't seem to do it. I think I should try seeing a Christian counselor but not sure if it is covered by insurance. It is so upsetting that THEY brought this into the church and I have to do the work of "trying to fix the hurt". She shows no remorse and I can't deal with it. I want to confront her in a non- threatening manner but I am afraid. My emotions change daily. I know that God says we need to forgive and He will forgive us and I feel that He won't forgive my for my unforgiveness and hatred /bitterness towards her. My Pastor told me that God loves me and he is there as a Pastor and this hit him like a tsuanmi. He can't offer christian counseling because he is "unqualified" and couldn't recommend anyone. He also said I should be glad it wasn't a physical affair and I have to "Let it go" I tried journaling and it kept making me relive it. I started a gratitude journal and that helped but I have been too depressed to write in it. I am also on Lexapro and Lamictal for mood swings. I am wondering about confronting her mother about the "awkwardness" and I realize that she had nothing to do with this. We were really close attending Church retreats etc. I thought it was ackwardness when our Pastor suggested it but she doesn't acknowledge me anymore at social events etc. even if I look right at her. I try to say hi and give her our usual hug. She has no problems with my husband though. I was never close with her daughter. She chose to become "friends" with my husband. Now she is trying to participate in church activities with "our friends" and I feel like I have to exclude myself. Once I didn't take Xanax and had to leave in the middle of the service. My husband knew what was wrong and didn't follow me to comfort me. He stayed with the kids. I didn't think I would have to tell him since we are presenting a united front.
Counselor: Jennifer, School Psychologist replied 7 years ago
This answer is protected
Would you like to ask this question?
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Ask Jennifer Your Own Question
Jennifer
Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
397 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.

Jennifer is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,720 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

338 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I would like to know something. My wife of 35 yrs received a
my wife of 35 yrs received a very intimate necklace fro m anoth er women and she told her she was drawing inspiration from her just by wearing it what does that mean … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Mine is a pretty tricky but story. So I met this guy on
Hi Debra, Mine is a pretty tricky but long story. So I met this guy on Tinder, he was lovely. Our first date was amazing... we spoke for three weeks 24/7 before actually meeting up. There was an insta… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood
I have trouble getting along with my husband. We has mood swings. He is about to start a new job at a branch of Verizon (used to work at another branch) so we were talking in the car and he said he ha… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex,
My boyfriend and I fought over him maybe talking to his ex, I kept texting him till he said leave me alone and then broke up with me.. can I get him back … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love
me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months and I love him dearly, well on Tuesday something happened when I was texting one of my guy friends I didn't physically cheat on him, and there was no … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6
Jen, I have a new man in my life I have been dating for about 6 weeks. We see each other twice a week. He deeply cares for me and loves me. I also have love for him. I struggle with his immaturity. So… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
While telling me he is in love with someone else, he says he
While telling me he is in love with someone else, he says he cares about me. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I have seen ads for professional snugglers, cuddlers, and
I have seen ads for professional snugglers, cuddlers, and cuddle clubs. Is this a bad idea to be touching someone who you don't know and have no specific reason to care about? My wife and I experience… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
I found out my time boyfriend had a nine month affair with
I found out my long time boyfriend had a nine month affair with younger girl at work..fell in love with her and wanted to start a life..I contacted new girlfriend (who did not know about me..she fille… read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
I have a question that pertains to compromising in a
Hi,I have a question that pertains to compromising in a marriage. I'll start by saying when I meant my wife I was open to moving out of state. We got married and last year my company relocated to NC f… read more
P. Simmons
P. Simmons
Attorney
Doctoral Degree
35,267 satisfied customers
I married into a bunch of nieces and nephews on my husband's
Hello, I married into a bunch of nieces and nephews on my husband's side. Some of the nieces are my age or older, so it is not as if we have had a history together. They were already adults when we me… read more
Schuyler
Schuyler
1,944 satisfied customers
I have a question that pertains to compromising in a
Hi, I have a question that pertains to compromising in a marriage. I'll start by saying when I meant my wife I was open to moving out of state. We got married and last year my company relocated to NC … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I'm going to try and make this as short as i can. So about 3
OK so i'm going to try and make this as short as i can. So about 3 and a half months ago me and my girlfriend of a year broke up. The reason being was i cheated on her, i didn't meet up with anyone, k… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have no mother in law experience for various reasons and
I have no mother in law experience for various reasons and am in my mid 50s. Do I need help?… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I need to apologize to the love of my life. Im a gay man I
Im a gay man I hurt my boyfriends feeling repeatedly … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
My guy friend says he doesn't deserve me. But then tells me
My guy friend says he doesn't deserve me. But then tells me he's afraid of losing me. He tells me I'm around too much then when I leave says stay. He's nice and cinsuferste one day then the next he's … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My long-time partner has never gotten over the fact that I
My long-time partner has never gotten over the fact that I had prior sexual experience. I used to think it was insecurity on his part but he honestly hasn't been able to become aroused by me since fin… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
How are you? I have been in a relationship with a 50 year
I have been in a relationship with a 50 year old woman. She seamed all into one me butt she started to get flakey. She didn't show up a couple of times. I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She said no. We have stopped seeing each other and I keep texting. She reading them and sometimes replies. It's almost like she don't respect me. What do I do? … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x