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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years on and off and

Customer Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years on and off and we have broken up and made up again several times.From the beginning there was never really much passion however we bonded in communication ,loved spending time together and the sex thing became an issue as he was a bit lazy ..lazy to visit me ,lazy to make love many times so i would get distant ,we would fight and it came down to the fact that I had financial issues with work and family which made him distant! Whatever ..Now last year I fell pregnant after a breakup to him ,then we decided to have an abortion(more his decision ) not to have a child for the wrong reasons and so he left and I was alone till this June .All this year I met other guys but he was alwayd trying to get me back ,he even rented an apartment and begged me to move .So idid !! And now days are good says r rough ,I feel drained at times ,as things that happened in the past haunt us both .He keeps throwing it in my face the things he bought when i was financially a little broke.I had a job and now am running my own business ,but my partner coems from a falimy where everything was given and is given to him and doesnt really fight for his goals and dreams.I feel he doesnt really want me to rely on him for money and so i have to take to take care of my self so as to not hear the' i did this and i did that for you' after a fight!! He makes me feel inferior reagrding my past sexual experiences because he cant give so much and also one morinng when i was alone ha came over when i had someone here and that killed him psychologically .He still chose to pursue me and now i jsut feel like im doing everything to pelase him and im tired,drained emotionally.Im stuck and feel like im going out with a child with dependancies.....need some serious advice ....
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have shared, it sounds as if your boyfriend has been very selfish, insensitive (-especially concerning not having your child), and content with his behavior without any regard for your feelings along with throwing things in your face. Please know that you deserve to be with a person who treats you with dignity, respect, and value and the only thing that should be thrown in your face is unconditional love and support. Therefore, you obviously do not have the above with your current partner and if you continue in this relationship in its current status, you will continue to be hurt, disappointed, and unfulfilled. It also sounds as if your boyfriend didn't want anyone else to have you so he went out of his way to get you back, however, he doesn't really care about your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. He appears to be participating in your relationship on his terms and according to his wants which of course is unhealthy for you. Please consider all of the above because it seems as if you would be far better off physically, mentally, and emotionally without him, however, only you can decide if you will leave him. You deserve to have the best!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Angela for your reply ,

You are absolutely right that I deserve only love and support but sometimes poeple need to go through bad situations to change and grow otherwise we would all be perfect.He has managed to move out of the house which was our main issue and he has been supportive in the sense that he always listens and helps me when I have problems with work and with him at home.Its just he is oldfashioned in many ways and we are both so different.Im from australia (cypriot) and have lived and worked oveerseas,am independant and made my own decisions for my life since a young age whereas he has lived all his life in Cyprus under his parents protection.which never allowed him to grow.I feel like im raising a child because I have to open him mind and eyes to many things regariding behaviour and mentality..

He does try to fix his faults but im just tired of fighting all the time for my beliefs .After arguing he does make up for it however is that just patching things up for the time being instead of dealing with the root of the problem which could be his low self esteem and choses to be with me to escape from his dependancy from his mother and father and I have a codependency on him as I have come from a broken home and didnt have enough love and support from parents...?????


Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
I am glad that he is making some progress and that he ad mitts to his faults and then tries to fix them- this is all great! To answer your question about:

"After arguing he does make up for it however is that just patching things up for the time being instead of dealing with the root of the problem which could be his low self esteem and choses to be with me to escape from his dependency from his mother and father and I have a codependency on him as I have come from a broken home and didn't have enough love and support from parents...?????"

It is possible that he could be just patching things up and that you have also become codependent on him, however, the important thing is that you feel he makes an effort in your relationship and that he attempts to fix his short comings. Therefore, as long as he continues to do this there is hope for your relationship and hopefully the two of you will continue to grow together in a healthy manner as your relationship continues and the two of you could work together on his issues as well as your issues with codependency. However, please also keep in mind my previous concerns from my previous post as you go forward with him especially the parts about treating you with dignity and respect- you should not have to fight for your beliefs so much- he needs to give in a bit more so that you both equally give and take in your relationship especially since there is no perfect relationship because there are no perfect people.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Angela ,

I am also facing some problems regarding our sex life ; as I feel to be the leader in the relationship I cant always initiate it to happen and when he tries he doesnt really use his imagination or lets his fantasy go; i feel due to experience Im leading in that area otherwise we are both stuck in the same stuff and I feel bored and cant be bothered to do it .I t has been a few weeks that I cannot have sex even though the desire is there I dont want to have it the same way as always...what can i do , i tell him that he doesnt do romantic things but i dont want to insult him...I feel I can have alot more sex for a lot more time but am limited because of his ways....can this also stem from his low self esteem ???

Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
It is possible that this could stem from his low self esteem and you could both work on this together. In order to try and get the closeness and intimacy you both desire you could try doing intimacy exercises. Here is a book that you could buy which gives details about the exercises, click here The book is designed to bring you both closer by doing various intimacy exercises which would hopefully lead both of you to desiring to have sex with each other. Also, you could check your local library to see if it has a copy available for free check out. Sex therapists specialize in reviving relationships that do not have sexual passion. click here: for free information available on the website from a reputable sex therapist, Dr. Berman. Good luck!

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