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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Hi, my ex and I split up at the beginning of July. It was because

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Hi, my ex and I split up at the beginning of July. It was because I brought up the fact that eventually I would like to live together, although I knew right now that because of financial concerns, we couldn't immediately. Basically I started worrying that he didn't want to get more serious and he kept saying, "let's just go with the flow. I love you and want to be with you". After a few conversations like this, I ended up saying that I needed a bit more than that and that although we wouldn't be able to live together that we did want the same thing. He basically said he didn't know. We split up because of that. He acted like he was heartbroken and said it was a problem with him, that he was very upset but that something was stopping him commit. He talked about getting counselling and that one of his friends pointed out this "getting scared" thing has happened before. Anyway he wanted to stay in touch and be friends, I found it very tough and wanted to get back together...and changed my mind about what I had said. He just said he thinks he made the right decision (by now it was) and that we are on different pages. We were together for just under two years; he is 28 and I am 30. Anyway not long after we split, he started going out with someone else and although I have created distance between him and me it appears to have got very serious very quickly. But he has still contacted me every now and again. Basically I miss him, I still love him and would like to sort things out. Should I keep in contact with him? Should I reply when he gets in touch? In the past I have contacted him about things and he gas always replied. A couple of times he instigated. Since I found out about him and this girl, I was very upset and let him know via text. Then I told him it was okay and I wished him well. Eventually he replied about other things to do with congratulating me on my promotion. I sent him a brief text back saying thank you. I don't get it, about a month ago, he said he missed me. He has said he is "talking to someone" but that it is about a lot more than his romantic life. I don't know if I believe him although his dad died when he was 13 and his parents had divorced not long before that.
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Jennifer :

Hello and thanks for using! I'm sorry to hear the relationship didn't work out, but applaud you for recognizing that you wanted more of a commitment than he was willing to give at the time. It sounds as though he has moved on. The brief texts are likely a way to keep you in his life for some reason, though. As a friend? Just in case things don't work out with this other girl? It's difficult to know for sure. Best to keep your responses as brief as his and try not to instigate them. After all, would you have wanted an ex to text him when you were dating? Out of respect for them both, it's best to avoid getting between them. They will either have a future together or they won't. If they don't, that's the appropriate time to express your feelings to him (assuming you still feel this way). In the meantime, focus on healing through whatever self-improvement makes you feel good about yourself. Counseling is a great way to start. Think about what you learned from the relationship, the qualities you liked (about the man and the relationship itself) and the things you weren't willing to settle for. Those things will help you to identify what it is you're looking for in future relationships whether it be with him again or with someone new who already wants the same things you do.

JACUSTOMER-rddqlum1- :

Many thanks for your email. It is very tough and I go through moments of feeling positive and then other moments of feeling tearful and upset that it didn't work. He has really hurt me because of what he said when we split up not transipiring - him taking time out to sort himself out is not the same as going out with another girl about 3 weeks later! But I guess there is nothing I can do about it.

JACUSTOMER-rddqlum1- :

Ooo, can't hit return here obviously! I wanted to say I do appreciate the advice though. It is handy and made me think about it a little bit differently - taking back control for my feelings and actions and not analysing why he has done what he has done.

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