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Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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I really need some understanding, and i cant sleep. How does

Resolved Question:

I really need some understanding, and i cant sleep. How does someone wake up froma relationship one day and realise they dont feel that way about you, but even worse, the relationship wasnt what they expected.. that they feel differently.. that they were wrong, that they feel friendship, or sisterly affection, and prehaps they were wrong or 'this is not t= what they expected' when when they entered into the relationship they had never thought about you of anything other than how attractive they found you... how they wanted to be with you.. how they adored you?? How does someone go from saying 'this is something that i think is going to be really speacial' to saying 'no, i dont feel the same.. and i never will.. i dont know what it is i thought i felt'.. even when you were happy for a long time.. I really need some help. I just dont understnad and im in a mess.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.
Sounds like you were completely unaware that your girlfriend was experiencing a change of heart. I think it would be quite a shock if she never discussed her feelings with you, up until the point of her wanting to end the relationship. Did she give reasons as to why her feelings had changed, what caused it, or what changed within the relationship, her or you that made her feel so differently? please answer so I can understand a bit more this situation.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello, I am a female, and it was my boyfriend who did this.. Not full reasons, just 'we werent compatible' 'it's not what i tought it was ' 'i dont feel the same' 'we were having problems'.. but then also ' i hadnt been feeling the same for 6-8 weeks'.. no reasons why.. no specfics, just that they had, and thye wernt working, and he tried to blame it on other things, just that it didnt work. his feelings had chagned
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.
okay thanks for the info. I can understand why you are struggling with this. It's not really fair of him to not discuss any of his feelings with you along the way. It's actually not really typical or "normal" to say you are in love with someone, then not disclose any issues or feelings of uncertainty, and then just dump that person. So, yes you are shocked. However, take comfort in that this is about him, and not you. Meaning, he is being way too vague and non-committal about his true feelings. You cannot force more information out of him, and maybe he doesn't even have any more insight into himself and his feelings. He could have commitment issues or fear of intimacy etc. It's impossible to say without knowing him, but the way he handled it, is unusual. The best you can do is to get some counseling for yourself to help you deal with the shock of this and also it may even feel like a betrayal. I would not look to him for any more answers, and just focus on taking care of yourself and talking with a professional who could provide more insight into this scenario. There is a book called Men Who Can't Love and you can get it on You may find some of your story here, in that book. It's about commitment phobic behavior and how it can leave one bewildered and confused, trying to piece it all together. Not saying he is definitely a commitment phobic, but you still may find the book useful. All the best to you. Try to go out with girlfriends, stay active and have some good times, even if you don't feel like it. Please click ACCEPT, if satisfied, otherwise I'm not paid for my assistance. If not, please ask for more information. Thank you. Kristin
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I think i know it is over. i have a plan, and ive handed in my resignation. He knows i am younger than him.. but I really think he's just woken up one day and though.. 'how did i get this so wrong'.. i dont feel that way about her.. she's just 'my friend'.. but he (or one example) he 'kept sleeping with me to be sure... how do people confuse their feelings like this.. and there's really never, in any point in the future, andy getting back from it.. is there?? Thank you for your answers already, but if you could be any more of an assistance to this specfic question that would be amazing,
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Well, it's hard to say in the future what will happen but my guess would be that he is moving on and will not get back with you again. And even if he tried, you would be wondering if/when he is going to bail on you again, in a moment's notice. Maybe some of his needs were getting met (the intimacy or physical side) and the emotional side just didn't take off or subsided. Either way, you really are better off being with someone who also wants to be with you. So, you are wise to get away and take some time to travel, explore etc. Perhaps he felt you two were too different age wise, basic compatibility etc. I really think that if he does come back to you, it's likely that he would be wishy washy again, and that would not be good for you. I hope this answered your question. If so, please click ACCEPT so I'm paid for my time. All the best to you!

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