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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Well first of all thank you for taking your time to read my

Resolved Question:

Well first of all thank you for taking your time to read my problems. Basically this is like my third time seeking advice from here.My relationship is almost a year old next month and me and my girfriend have ups and downs as any normal couple would. Let me give you a little history of us. She is 33 and I am 26 years old, when I met her she was trying to find someone because her last relationship of six years did not work out because her ex was a liar and she was tired of it however she was still in love with him which I did not know, at the begining while we were just friends I even told her that I dont want baggage in a girl because it isnt worth it but she basically asked me not to leave her life so I stayed with her. we were kind of dating for a month then she stopped talking to me all the sudden then after that month I found out that her ex was staying with her in her house because he was going to another state but he lied to her because he told her that he was going to vegas but in reality he was going to arizona were his 67 year old wife and son were living but my girlfriend did not know where he went so when we started to talk after that month I helped her investigate and we found out he went to arizona so she was angry because he even bought a house with his wife I know my girlfriend was kind of in love with him still eventough he was 50 years old. Then I moved closer to her so she stayed with me eventhough she had a house so she can help me watch my 2 year old daughter then for the next two months our relationship was ok and after that she kind of broke off with me and during that time I didnt pay attention to her she was still around my place because she was helping me with my kid but I understood we werent together but I guess after ignoring her for that whole month she started to get close to me but here is the trick while that month we werent together she was sending her ex naked pics over her phone but then she stop and me and her went back together for the seond time and since then we have been together to the present but recently after 9 months of not letting her ex the father of her two girls she decided to let him comeback to visit the girls and i thought that would bring problems into our relationship because I know how much she loved him but it turns out everything went pretty good and he left but everytime I hear about him or when he text her I get so angry I dont know why she tells me that she doesnt want anything with him but a frienship because of the girls she claims she doesnt want him as a lover but I always give her a hard time when he comes around and I know is not right to do that to her. I know it takes time to erase people out of our hearts because I got divorced myself but it took her a long time to not feel the same way towards him and it was because I helped her through the hard times she even says that if it wasnt because of me it would have been worse but I tell her that I deserve the a spot in her heart because I supported her through the bad times and I have been there for her the whole 11 months, my question is why she still has not show feelings of love towards me? I always tell her why is it so hard to fall in love with me and she replies that she was the same way with her ex because it took her 3 years to realize she loved him and that because he ignored her and told her he did not want her and then she reacted and told me she knew she was in love with him, and she says more than likely the same thing will happen to me that once I give up or get tired of trying she will probably realize she loves me but I tell her that is very stupid to wait until that moment to realize things when its too late and I just tell her to open her heart to me and that little by little I will work my way in, I mean I know she cares for me a lot more now than before but I just want her to show more feelings but she said she cant fake what she cant feel, she keeps saying that she likes me and she cares for me but does not love me, it drives me nuts because i have never met a girl who after a year together even living together cant fall in love. Do you have any clue on why is she like that and why cant she fall in love with me??? I try everything I can to have her fall for me like I spend a lot of time with her and i tell her that I love her but she keeps saying one day she will love me but I dont want that day to come when I dont want her, because the longer I dont see she loves me then the more I want to get out of the relationship however, I love her a lot... Do you think she still wants him??? I keep telling her that if she wants him then she can have him but she says she doesnt want him. What is wrong with this woman??? I want a relationship but she just doesnt put a lot od effort all she says is lets date and see what happens how can I have her to express more feelings or be more open towards me??? I am very confuse I dont know if I should let her go or stay and fight for teh relationship because I know the day that she says she loves me then it will stay for a long long time. I really need your advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long letter but I dont really know who to ask. thank you.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 7 years ago.
Thank you for writing to Just Answer.

Sometimes people with chaotic early lives have trouble trusting others. She seems to have very low self-esteem, because she can't tolerate you wanting her (and as you noted, this is a pattern).

She can't react until someone decides to leave her, which probably fits with her low opinion of herself, and then she decides that the person really does know how 'bad' she is, so she can let herself be with him. This is very twisted, and makes for a very confusing relationship.

This is a complicated manner and I hope my explanation isn't more confusing. It could be summed up in the old saying "I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would have me."

Unless she does some serious therapy work, I think you will be in for a lot of heartache in this relationship. If she does come after you when you threaten to leave, this issue will come up again and again.

Would it not be better to find a more stable person to help you raise your child? Hopefully you will be able to find a person who can appreciate and accept your love.

I wish you the best,
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thank you again for the answer and I knew she had very self steem but I have talked to her many times that this is a vicious circle that she always has to wait until the guy is no longer interested in her so then she can be in love. I have tried to tell her that I dont want her to wait until I dont want to be with her anymore for her to be in love with me. I made her aware that if she keeps this pattern, she will never have an stable relationship with anyone because she will do this over and over and everytime she will get hurt.... I know she cares for me but she cant never express any of her feelings and I say this because I see it in her eyes that the times when I told her that I cant take it anymore she looked very sad like saying I know he is a great guy but I think she is scared of talking to me about her feelings and she always tells me that she expects the worsed and I said if you expect the worse then the worse will happen so I told her to open herself and to trust me because I wont do what the last one did. And she says that her ex did the same things I do at the begining and that she didnt show feelings for him for the first three years and that as soon as he acted different towards her then she reacted and actually realized she loved him. I know she is complicated at times and I know we gotten closer since the begining but she said that one day she will show feelings..... I guess all I want to know is if I can have a relationship with her or if I can do anything to gain her trust or is this at dead end relatuionship??? I am very confused and i want to do the right thing..

Expert:  Suzanne replied 7 years ago.
I can tell by what you've written that you've worked very hard to try to convince her that you can be trusted. And I can also tell you that all the talking in the world will not change her pattern of behavior until she gets serious and enters therapy.

This pattern will continue throughout your relationship, so what you need to consider is if this---what you have right now with her---is good enough for you and your child. Do not count on anything changing. As the saying goes: the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

There is nothing that anyone else (including you) can to do help her with her issue--she has to do this work herself. If she's unwilling to work on her issues, the chances of your relationship surviving are very poor.

Sorry I can't give you a more hopeful answer,
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