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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I have complicated and maybe unresolvable relationship issue.

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I have complicated and maybe unresolvable relationship issue. Here goes.
My longtime (2 years) girlfriend and I broke up about seven months ago. It was at her instigation. We had broken up a couple of times prior to that, very briefly at my suggestion but each time after a couple of weeks or days she would circle back to me. After our break in February we had some amicable contact and she seemed to be interested in keeping a line open with me. Then I made a big mistake! One morning I showed up at her house unannounced and things spiraled out of control from there. Her ex-husband was there (he has always been in the picture but not romantically) and she was livid that I just showed up. Lots of yelling - by her - not me. I left and tried numerous times that day to contact her to apologize. She refused my calls and said she did not want to talk to me again. I did not contact her for a couple of weeks at which time I wrote her a long, heartfelt letter. Part of it was apologetic part was just where I thought we went wrong. A few days after that I dropped some flowers at her house but did not make contact (I even touched base with the local PD to make sure I could do this - they didn't think it was a great idea but said I wasn't breaking any laws). Again, I just laid them on her doorstep and left. A few days after that I called her from the road outside her house. I left a very calm voicemail simply asking if we could talk. Two days later I was served with a restraining order barring any form of contact with her for a year. I was shocked. I know she has suffered abuse in the past but there was never any abuse of any kind in our relationship. I treated her very, very well - probably too nice. I was, and still am, deeply in love with her. In the five months since the order went into effect I have had no contact with her and will not for the duration of the order and probably for some time after that.
I know that she was deeply in love with me at the time of the breakup and that I am the only person she has cared about since the breakup of her marriage a number of years ago. I am not a teenage kid. I am a father with three wonderful kids from a 12 year marriage and am in my early 50’s. But I do know that this person is the love of my life – I told her so in February. Do I have any hope for getting back together with her down the road and, if so, how? Thanks.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

If she cares as deeply for you as you do for her, then based on all you have written, there could be a chance that the two of you get back together. I suggest in the meantime to work on the things that you know she does not like about your behavior (-every person has things that someone who cares about them does not like as far as behavior is concerned). For example, it seems that she did not like the fact that you didn't respect her boundaries by showing up at her place unannounced, by leaving her flowers, and by calling her from outside her house. Therefore, you could work on having better boundaries with the help of a self help book. You can do this work with the help of a self help book which will guide you through the process. If you purchase a self help book, it is important to designate time to work on it weekly when you will not be disturbed along with keeping a journal to write your thoughts and reactions in to what you read. The above is a healthy process that takes time to do but it can be done if you commit to it. A couple of books I recommend can be found below:


Book 2.

Once the restraining order is over, I recommend first, dropping by the police department as you did previously to let them know you would like to see if she is willing to talk to you now and then let them guide you because you don't want to just go to her house or etc. and then have the police called. Therefore, involve the police in your plans from the beginning so that everything will hopefully go smoothly. If you are able to make contact with her, share with her the personal growth you have made from your time apart and discuss this with her and then take it from there.

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