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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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My mother decided that she wanted me to go to the social security

Customer Question

My mother decided that she wanted me to go to the social security office to find out about benefits as I am selfemployed. While I understand that this might be very important to her and I know she thinks she is acting out of 'love' but I cannot agree with her methods. The first day she mentioned that she wanted me to go I responded that I was not going to go, but if I had any questions I would email them to the office. The second day she said (again) that I was not entitled to my husbands benefits (I already knew, and said so) and that I needed to make sure I would get benefits and that I should go to the office to get further info. I said again, I'm not going there, they don't even accept such walk in requests--you have to write or email. This was followed by TWO more 'suggestions' and then I was handed two photocopies of the address. I said again--I'm not planning on going, don't need the address, any info I need I'll email, no, I don't need to see your medicaid card. At which point she called me an idiot and balled up the paper and threw it at me. Yes,I did get loud and I told her You will NOt hit me or throw things at me. I dont care what you want me to do. YOU WILL NOT THROW THINGS AND INSULT ME
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.

Hi, She stepped over her boundaries however I get the impression that this is something she feels she has a right to do. She doesn't. You yelled because that was the only way to get her attention and listen. Unfortunate. When things quiet down over this you might want to sit and have a "chat" with her. Tell her there will be no more arguing over what she thinks you should do. Tell her you are 46 years old and able to run your own life and that the next time she starts telling you what to do you will not even respond to her. You will only speak to her when things are calm. Yelling for the most part solves nothing, just makes you more angry. Refuse to engage in it. Answer her once if she has a question or comment and then that is it. If she continues to "peck" at you simply say stop and then ignore.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
This has unfortunately always been her style. If you don't agree or follow her wishes you get slammed (constant 'suggestions' or insulted. She pushes till you get furious. I'm only human and she doesn't listen to anyone-husband, siblings, me. And I couldn't believe she expects me to apologize for yelling! I told her simply I answered you politely several times. You need to learn how to stop. I think she needs to learn how to use an ATM and the computer. Imagine what people would think of me if I badgered her, insulted her and then threw something at her all because I thought it would be good for her to learn. I'm really beginning to dislike her and this makes me sad. I want to love her and be warm to her but every important milestone in my life becomes a battle of wills and I'm sure she doesn't like me very much because I'm not the compliant little puppet she wants me to be.She called me a heathen because I wanted to marry outside of a church. When I told her I was pregnant her 1st comment was 'well at least you don't have AIDS' (I was 27 and in a very commited relationship--my then fiance and I had waited a year to get married thinking she would have time to get to know him--foolish idea, I now realize no one could satisfy her.) She called my dad a son of a bitch because he dared to keep a bicycle that a neighbor was giving away just because she didn't want it in the house. I can't even comprehend her overwhelming need to control people. What does this mean, is it an illness, or something that happened to her when she was young. I was never a bad kid or adult--I just refuse to let her push me around uneccesarily. I know she wasn't in favor of my husband but we're happy 18yrs later. I always find strength in thinking about what I'd have missed if I'd let her dissatisfaction rule my life. I almost had an abortion rather than accept her wrath. I was more scared of her than childbirth. Wow, this crap makes me want to cry now. Thank God for my husband. I've got to give him an extra kiss tonight! What is it with this control thing? Why can't she realize she's like a black cloud and sunshine would be nicer?