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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1492
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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how do I get my partner to know that although I have hurt him

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how do I get my partner to know that although I have hurt him in the past I now understand the pain and want to make this right, when we talk about the issues the conversation always goes back to what happen 3 yrs ago .
What were the issues? Why won't he let it go and forgive?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
there were were serveral issues that is brought up, mainly 3.5 yrs ago christmas when he was sick , and i stop by to check on him , he told me to go ahead to the dinner however i stayed much longer ,that anticipate, like 6hrs , and i didnt call , i did however stop back by to see him. then on new years my sisiter was coming in and i informed him that we may want to church he siad at that point to go , as agin i have made that diciciesion so he feels hurt that i 1st,i tried to explain but it turnen into a argument , there were times when i told him i would be there to pick him up at certian time and i was ofter late, a few time up to an 1.5 hrs and i didnt call , but after serveral discusssins i tried to make sure to be on time or call when iwas going to be late, it seems as if wvery disscussion things go back to the christmas incident and every incidnt since then.he states that since things wer allowed to go on with change so long he is damage from that , and states now he is just focus on him not getting hurt which means being distant and although i call 2 times every day , its usally me doning the talking and when i ask why the previouse issues comes up. I have asked for forgivenes and he says he has , although he says he is not willing to get hurt. I have done numberous things to try to make up for these things, including impriving on the time and buying gifts , trips ,and constanatly drop small by his house like lunch , treats that he likes, to try to show him i really do care and want to make this right , keep in mind we have been in this state before, because he says a lot of the things are repetive as if i the only one in the relationship. so he says it scares him to move forward withsomeone who is so inconsistant in there actions,
I think he is holding this over your head so that you continue to buy him things and do for him. It doesn't seem like this is a big deal and after 3.5 years this should be a non issue. Rest assured that you have done everything possible to make things better. With that said, it is time to drop the issue. You need to let him know that you will no longer talk about the incident and that you are not going to beg and plead him to forgive you. Let him know that he needs to get over it and stop bringing it up in order for this relationship to thrive. If he cannot let it go then you need to go. This is not a healthy relationship by any means, especially since he is distancing himself from you. If he cannot get over it and let down his guard then your next move should be to show him the door because you can't have a good relationship with someone like that. Good luck.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Dr G, thank you for your response, however I am still a little confused, as my partner have the means to get or do these things himself , i do them as you know just to let him know I really care , and honestly i,we always done them. Also it seems that even now the distance of himself includes not accepting my offers of kindness although when he does it a very quick drop off and out the door type of thing. Is it possible that he is holding on to some of these issues because of past relationships with deceased father and last lover, whom he often refer to when making reference to the things i have done. Perhaps your right ,, that i just need to make it very clear that this is not aceptible, although i realized it may end the relationship if he is not able to release this , because it is extremely hard to move forward when the old issues is always coming up. . Its just very confusing to me why someone would want the lines of communication to stay open but not willing to as you say let down there guard so that we can try and move forward , I know that i am 100% committed to impronving this but I cant seem to convince them of this. forgive me for sounding redundant its just i really want to try and do the right thing.

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