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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Why would a married man who was an xlover,call after several

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Why would a married man who was an xlover,call after several years, makes an effort to find you and wants to meet with you. You meet with him several evening, and talk about old times. Not so much our personal lives. He has avoided special time together that we
had planned and he changed. He still calls and want to meet for dinner , no more than 2 hours together. He is an older man. What is he coming around for , we have talked about our past time together,nothing more to talk about. Any ideas on what is going on with him. Thank you. Evelyn Graham
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello Evelyn, my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

I suggest when you are comfortable doing so that you ask him why he has sought you out and discuss it further with him. With that in mind, in general, when something like this occurs, it could be from various stressors in his life which are causing him to feel the need to be validated from someone outside of his marriage along with boosting his ego to make him feel better about himself. Due to him being an exlover it sounds as if he is seeking to achieve the above from his meetings with you without you actually doing anything on your end because this is what he feels he needs to do, therefore he has sought you out to spend time with you and etcetra because it gives him the validation and ego boost that he needs. Additionally, depending on the stressors in his life their could also be more in his mind than him just getting the validation and ego boost that he needs by being with you, for example, maybe he's in a bad marriage and thinks the grass is greener on the other side and etcetra.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I know all that,Why has he not made any advancement to spend special time with me.

I do not mean sex , Which I do wonder if that may be his issue. He has made plans with me and coped out. How long do I let this continue. I enjoy his company and I need to keep my self respect. He does not hand out a lot of complainments but he likes them for himself. Am I waisting my time and should I react with anger.

Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
I didn't know you knew all of that based on what you have written and just so you don't misunderstand what I wrote, I'm not suggesting that he wants sex but it could be a possibility. I don't think you are waisting your time if you sit down and talk to him about this especially the fact that he clearly is seeking some type of validation from you by interacting with you and ask him what exactly is it that he wants from you? If you don't sit down and talk to him about this, then yes I think you would be waisting your time because again his actions clearly show that he is seeking some type of validation and ego boost from interacting with you (-and he knows exactly what his motives are for interacting with you but has not shared them with you). I don't think you should react with anger at this point because there are too many unknown variables. For example, it is possible that he is seeking a purely platonic validation and ego boost from you, it doesn't have to be of a sexual nature. This is why talking to him about this would clarify his motives for you and then you could decide what you want to do about him at that time.
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