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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Hello, I have been in a relationship since just before Christmas

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Hello,
I have been in a relationship since just before Christmas but I am concerned that it's not good for me. I love him, but find myself frustrated most of the time at his negativity, vendictive manner and careless spending (and excessive alcohol use).
He has been living with me the last several months. I'm reluctant to kick him out because, first of all, he doesn't have any other place to go; second, he will be unemployed at the end of September (I feel like I would be kicking him while he's down), and third, I really need help with half the rent and bills. And of course, it is kinda nice to have someone around.
What can you suggest for me?
Thanks,
Teresa

Hi Teresa,

 

Ok, this man is negative, vindictive, bad with money, and an alcoholic. Not usually what one thinks of when one thinks of someone who is loveable...

 

You need help with the rent, but in another month, he's not going to have an income, so you will be at least partially supporting him as well. Sure, he may get unemployment, but that doesn't go far.

 

So, the REAL question is, why are you willing to settle for so little? You are putting his needs before your own. And while he is living in your house, you are "off the market" and not available to other men who might appreciate and value you.

 

The very first thing you should do....tomorrow....is find and attend an Al-anon meeting. People who put others first, and settle for less than they deserve often find themselves drawn to alcoholics. Often they grew up in alcoholic homes or in homes made chaotic for other reasons. They learn to try to please others, and do anything to keep the peace. The term is co-dependency, and al-anon is the best treatment available for it.

They won't sit around talking about how to make their husbands stop drinking...they will be talking about taking care of themselves, knowing when to detach with love, and not to rescue people from problems they created for themselves.

 

Once you start to understand what is and isn't your problem, you'll be in a better position to make a rational decision whether or not to stay in this relationship. And it will help you make a better choice the next time around. I can't say enough good about al-anon ---it's free, (donation) , meetings are frequent, you'll make some great friends that will support you when you're down or confused.

 

I would think long and hard about continuing in a relationship where the best thing you can say about it is that it's nice to have company around the house and help with the bills....I think you deserve (and can find) better than that.

 



Edited by Suzanne on 9/2/2010 at 12:15 AM EST
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