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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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We are both in our 50s and have dated for 2 years...we have

Customer Question

We are both in our 50's and have dated for 2 years...we have common goals to be living together in the next year and have 4 kids 2 each 18/18/17/15. He has a good relationship with his ex (I have none with mine and have been divorces 16 years, him 3 years) and has gone to meals and concerts with just the 4 of them. He sees nothing wrong w this, she has no one else in her life and is glad we are together. He thinks it should be okay for me to accept their going out from time to time as a family because he likes the dynamics of when the 4 of them are together. She occasionally comes over to watch tv with the kids and texts or makes idle conversation about how life is going and what is happening ( they were married 18 year). He considers her a best friend. I am not happy with the lack of boundaries but have pretty much been told...that is 20 years of his life and he refuses to change it because they share so much history. I feel he protects her and will always be there for her and enables her to not move on because she has him...they have everything except a sexual relationship. Am I crazy to not want him to do this...he did lie once about them being together because he knew I would be upset...he fessed up to it after being caught red handed.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good morning,


Boundaries are lacking and he may be codependent. Even if they had been together for 18 years, their kids are older and the two of them had decided to divorce for whatever reasons.


You are not unrealistic in your expectations. He has to have boundaries and he also has to respect your wish.


During your counseling, try to figure out what is allowing you to tolerate his behavior.


It sounds like he wants to have both relationships to fulfill whatever needs he has from each one.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
He continually tries to tell me they are just friends and I have friends so whats the big deal and I was okay with this the last 2 years...I somewhat was for the sake of the kids since they were fairly newly divorced compared to my situation. I told him I needed time to get perspective and chill out as we have had screaming matches about this so I wanted to take a break. I love him and his kids and I don't dislike or blame his ex. We have a blast when he and I are together. I received this text from my request for time "it doesn't matter how much time u take a week or a year i will still be the same person u met 2 years ago there is nothing either one of us can do to make me care about people that have been in my life for almost half of it you will never understand that becaused you have never lived it" I understand when u have kids they often come first. I am only asking that since I am his present and future (he did want to get married) that I need to come before his ex. Regardless of the number of friends I have, he is always my 1st choice to do something with. It doesn't mean that I want her disrespected but it hurts that he protects her feelings and is okay hurting mine. He has also directed me to several articles which state is is a really good thing to have a relationship w an ex. I have found as many but they always use the word BOUNDARIES...he has none, doesn't know how to set them and says she will think he is crazy because they are "just friends" he feels I have given him an ultimatum to chose his friendship w her or 2 b with me. I guess in reality he can see it that way as I again don t want to b in a 3way relationship....I believe it will change when she moves on (hopefully) and has someone in her life other them him but not sure I can hold out. I do realize in your 50's switching to another situation just brings differnet and maybe worst problems. My girls are growing up...I stayed single a very long time to not complicate their life when growing up. I think it is my turn for some happiness in a relationship and again I really do love him. Since he thought the the lie was wrong and aplogized but going to the concert without me wasn't it creates concern for me but I think everyone is entitled to a mistake which he fessed up to when caught now in my mine I question everything as he doesn t lie about things but omits portions of it. It terrible because he can go to bars, vegas with male friends and I never ever had problems with this...we were the ones who said "if u don t have trust u don't have anything" He's never cheated during his marriage and I really do believe he hasn t been physical w his ex...not so sure about carrying on an emotional affair. She has a lot of guilt because she left the marriage. I read articles on how to tell if an ex wants you back and she fits some of that text book criteria. Obviously there r 2 sides to every story....I have never been disloyal or even kissed someone while in another raltionship (ever!) ....I probably over disclose if there is something that I think may come up later but still get flack as I think this is a way to take the attention off him and the ex. Tolerating his behavior is because deep down inside I know his is a good guy...we ve lost our way and I don t know how to get it back on track.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I added info above