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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1525
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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my fiance and i recently rented our own home (were both 19)

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my fiance and i recently rented our own home (we're both 19) he moved in first and i was going to move in a month later. a week before i was going to move in his mother got sent to jail for 2years and sent her 2daughters to live with us (they are 9 & 12), i told my fiance i dont think its a good idea because we dont need all the responsiblity and they have a father they visit who can take care of them as well as other relatives. He insisted that he wasnt a great father, i argued that he doesnt abuse them and its his responsiblity he wouldnt compromise. My mother tried talking to my fiance and he wouldnt talk to her at all. I decided then to move out and break up with him. He's been trying to get me back but I told him i need him to talk to my parents and let the girls live with an adult relative. He said he's looking for a place for them and that he'll talk to my parents after i move in. I said no because i dont know if he'll keep his word. he wants me to be his girlfriend no to keep me from messing with another guy, and i told him i'd be his girlfriend again after he fixed what was keeping me from being with him. I'm confused because I love him and really miss the way things were, but i dont like how he treated me and not compromising with me. What should i do? keep trying although he doesnt try? or just stay away from him and move on and find someone who treats me better?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
You go girl!!! I like how you set your boundaries with him and told him how it needs to be before you move back with him. Do not compromise on this. Unfortunately it is a tough situation he is in taking care of his siblings, but you are right, the father needs to be the parent. You have to come up with a reasonable timetable on when to move on if he doesn't get rid of the kids. I can't tell you what the timetable should be, but it is however long you feel you can wait for him to make a move. But by all means don't move back in unless the kids are gone. Good for you.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

thanks. I have been trying to let go and just be friends and see what else is out there, because of how much he has hurt me and how young we are. After this whole situation with him taking care of his sisters, I realized he doesn't treat me the way I want him to. (For example, when he gets mad he ignores me & when he ignores my texts and calls I get upset and cry & i tell him i'm crying but he still stays mad and ignores me until I just give up and quit trying. He usually wants things his way, and when I try talking about an important issue he doesnt talk back, he claims he doesnt want to talk but sometimes we need to talk and work out our problems, communication is our major issue, more on his end than mine.) A couple days before his mom went to jail, my grandpa became ill, and 2 days after she went to jail he passed away. He didnt go to the funeral with me and argued with me before the rosary and funeral. & it really hurt my feelings because I needed his support and comfort. He claims he was going through a hard time too, and i know he was but I just didnt think it was right that he got angry everytime I got upset; he didnt understand that i was extremely stressed and in pain because of both our situations.

The day after the funeral is when I moved out and broke up with him. Ever since he has been trying to get me back, doing everything but coming to talk to my parents and move out his sisters. when i dont talk to him he calls and texts until i give in and talk. & its always another ultimatum telling me either i move in or he's moving on or moving out of town. Last night he asked me to go stay the night with him so he could show me how great life would be living with him and after he would talk to my parents or he was going to transfer to a city an hour away and move on. Well I got up the nerve and told him no and explained that he wasnt realizing why I left and that I need time to find myself and make sure he's who I want to be with forever, and that i need to see he's changed before I jump back into a relationship with him.

Well today he invited me over, after a lot of begging I gave in & said we are just two friends hanging out watching tv. well midway through he started trying to get me back telling me that he doesnt want me to go find someone better and that he's in love with me and losing me would really hurt him because he lost his mother (to jail), and he doesnt really know his dad & his twin bro is also in jail and his sisters would be living with their dad. I felt bad, so we kind of decided to remain friends for the next two months, and talk, and see each other every once in a while, and that I could date and he would wait for me. I told him we would just be friends, no sex, no talking all day, no kissing, no saying 'i love you'. He's kind of upset and still is trying to tell me he cares.

Im just really confused, I dont know if we should remain that close, because he knows i'll keep having feelings and wont let go and he'll remain in control. I love him so much we've been together off and on for 5yrs. and I'm afraid of losing him, and i think he knows that.

Please help me make the right choice. I want to do the right thing for me. I want to be happy and in a healthy relationship.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
I can tell that you haven't been in a healthy relationship. I know that because you continue to play his games and subject yourself to his negativity. If you were in a healthy relationship it would be so easy for you because the guy would not put you through this drama. As much work as this relationship needs to get on track I say forget it and move on. Let him raise his sisters, since that is what he wants and it really is a good thing to do. But this off and on again as ridiculous and DOES NOT happen in healthy and good relationships. There is your answer. Now go and be happy and treated with the respect that you deserve.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thanks. thats what I was afraid of. I'm just afraid to be without him. I want to stay his friend cause he can be really sweet, but I know I deserve better. I'm just afraid of letting go. Cause we been together so long & everything makes me think of him.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
Once you find a guy that is good to you then you will forget all about him. But you have to take that chance. Oh by the is called DATING!!!! That means if you are not compatible or don't get along then you DATE someone else. You are not committed to him and you definitely are not married to him. Don't just settle. You are better than that.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thanks. I'm just scared of being alone and he was my first love. I feel dumb for putting in so much effort just to have to walk away. But deep down I know that is what I need to do. Do you think we should quit talking or stay friends?

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
It depends on if you think it will hurt too much to keep him as a friend. I seldom see the "just friends" scenario work out. But that is up to you.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Ok. Thanks. I told him no matter what I'm here if he needs me. Cause to me he's more than just an ex. & I'm always going to support him. Even if we dont talk for days, I'm going to check on him just cause I care.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 7 years ago.
good deal.
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