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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1767
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hi. Im 48 years old. I have been married for 27 years to

Customer Question

Hi. I'm 48 years old. I have been married for 27 years to a nice man who loves and adores me.   I do not feel the same way about him. We married young..both 20 years old.   I have always felt that I missed out on dating other men...the opportunity for other relationships.   About 2 years ago, I was curious, and went online to an "affair" website.  It was very flattering to me to have that many men telling me how attractive I was.   I ended up meeting one guy and we had an 18 month affair of mostly chatting online and weekly hotel trysts.   I fell totally head over heels for this guy.   He was everything my husband was not....funny, very intelligent, amazing sex.    He told me he loved me, but the entire relationship was mostly about him..the conversation often steered toward him and his "incredible accomplishments" as he would say, and how physically beautiful his children were.   After nearly 18 months, I told him I needed time away as I was having a hard time with my emotions.   He told me he would grant me all the time I needed.   After a few weeks, I really missed him...despite the roller coaster of emotions i had felt. So i contacted him online as it was the only way i was allowed to contact him. He never gave me his cell number as he was concerned his wife would find out.  I emailed him and he responded that he was having a very tough time with his business (he's self employed), his wife and children.   He said his wife had medical problems...his three children are very young....8, 2 and 2.    He would say he'd be in touch when things got better, that i should just wait for him because he was worth it (lol).    Well, it's been nearly 4 months, and I have still not seen or spoken to him.   All i get is a weekly email saying he's so overwhelmed with everything.    I asked him if we were finished and he said no, not at all, I told him it was okay to break things off with me and, in fact, preferred that over being strung along if that was what he was doing.   He said he missed me and still wanted to see me once things got better for him. <br /><br />My question is: I know I have no immediate future with this guy. In fact he told me he would never leave his kids the way his father left when he was 7.   He also told me that "should he and I ever be discovered, his life would be destroyed".    Now, I consider myself to be intelligent, but why the heck am I still attracted to this guy and feel the need to be with him despite his absense and treatment of me.   I have been very depressed since I stopped contact with him.    The thought of him contacting any capacity....makes me feel alive and happy.   I just don't understand what is going on with me. <br /><br />Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.
Hi, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with understanding "why" you feel the way you do. He isn't the "normal" part of your life and you got yourself into an affair that would never go anywhere with a man who sounds like a narcissist (not that matters). He is keeping you on the back burner and you are excited by the idea of all the attention you got . You feel depressed because you feel stagnant in your marriage and you have good reason to feel that way. You married young, one of the most common reasons for divorce. However, he adores you and treats you well. That can feel boring. You are captured by the idea and excitement of someone and something other than your everyday life. You feel you missed out on dating and you did however you have something many women would love to have and that's a good guy, boring or not. I would suggest that you go to therapy. You will not find happiness in another person, you find it in yourself. Put the focus on you and do something you want to do that will make you feel better. What you are experiencing leads to short lived happiness and you are being strung along and waiting which is not healthy.
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