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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Is this cheating / Infidelity We were separating by taking

Resolved Question:

Is this cheating / Infidelity?

We were separating by taking a timeout and seeing how things went. I moved her down the street. She spent the weekends at my house, weekdays at hers.

She had sex with a man a month after sending this to me, 3 days after moving out of our house. She had unprotected sex back and forth with both of us for ~5 months until I found out from someone else what she was up to. She denied it for weeks and had her friends and family lie to me about it as well. I found out for certain that she had been having some sort of relationship with this guy, Texting him up to 20k times a month. Yes, 20 thousand. She wants me back and says that she did not cheat on me because we were separated and used the term broken up. She believes that to cheat, we would have had to be boyfriend & girlfriend, or "together", not broken up.

I see this is as monogamy agreement and when you break it, you cheated on the person. A monogamy agreement is a form of a relationship, you are trusting the person and if they break that trust, it's cheating ... regardless of relationship status.

I am of the opinion that I could be in a monogamy agreement with anyone, and if it was broken, it's cheating or infidelity ... which to me are basically the same word in this context.

If we had been married it would be Adultery.

From: Girlfriend
Sent: Sunday, April 12, 2009 6:51 PM
To: Boyfriend
Subject: Re: Sex

I know it's not what it's about. I would just like to be able to still have sex with you and if either one of us decides to have sex with someone else, to please be honest about it. I've dealt with sleeping with someone unknowingly the same day he was sleeping with someone else and I don't want to go there. There are so many diseases and gross things out there that I don't wanna risk my [or your] health. Figured since we're the only ones we've been with for this long, why stop?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for writing to Just Answer.


I would agree that sleeping with two men at the same time constitutes infidelity.


The fact that this woman would put you at risk by having unprotected sex with someone else while having unprotected sex with you says that she is a very poor risk for a relationship. She has disrespected you in the most personal, (not to mention dangerous, with chance of HIV, etc) way possible.


To be debating the "definition" of the words seems besides the point. She deceived you, and put you at risk for STDs. She is someone who can sleep with two men and not care.


Why would you want to get back with someone like that? I think you can do better.


I hope this gave you something to think about...Please click ACCEPT to give me credit for this answer.










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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
There are children involved, so the denial of cheating is making it difficult to be civil and she's apparently getting told by people that she didn't cheat, which makes me feel as if she's not understanding or denying what she did was cheating and discounting the damage done. Not that I want her back, but just getting a third party ... educated answer in hopes she'll knock off the " I didn't cheat on you " crud.

And to boot, she thinks she just needs to get one HIV test and she's clean. I hear it can take up to 18 months for the antibodies to show up so you should do 2-3 tests, bi-yearly.

I have had given her the third degree for taking my life into her hands.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.


Thanks for the follow-up. By any reasonable standard she lied and cheated. If she did not tell you she was sleeping with someone else while she was also sleeping with you, she "lied by omission" and it this day of STD danger, her splitting hairs over a definition is absurd. Herpes is another danger, and she could have passed that to you already without you knowing it.


Just because she wants to re-write history and make believe she's blameless doesn't mean you have to go along with it.


Don't even bother debating this with her....don't stoop to her level. She endangered you without your knowledge...that's all the information you need, I would think Does she seriously think a "definition" is more important than that?

I'm sorry to hear there are children involved....otherwise I'm sure it would be easier for you to just walk away. It may be time to get a lawyer to protect your visitation rights.


I don't see how you could trust her in the'd have to carry a dictionary with you at all times, and get her to define everything she says.


Sorry to be so brutally honest, but this seems a very cut and dried case of someone who cannot be trusted.

I wish you the best,




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