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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I was married 20 years and left my marriage in March 2008.

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I was married 20 years and left my marriage in March 2008. A few months prior, I met a man while skiing and starting to have an affair with him. My feelings for him were so strong, I knew my marriage was over, so I left, not for this new man exclusively, but the timing seemed right since I was very unhappy with my marriage.
After a few months of seeing this new man, I realized he was not what he claimed to be--a successful businessman, homeowner, etc. Instead he had been struggling financially for the last 8 years, his house was a shack in the ghetto, he basically was unemployed and penniless. I started to date other men, since he is/was so obviously not who I thought he was and I figured he represented my rebound. The trouble is that everytime I date another man, I miss my lover tremendously and always go back to him. I seem to have forgiven him for his inadequacies, have helped him get his house in shape as he has helped me with my transition. The sex is beyond belief good..still after 2 years and I love him so much. But my family says he is no good for me, that I will end up supporting him, that he is physically not in shape enough for me (I am a personal trainer) etc. There is no shortage of really successful men waiting their turn to be with me, but I always return to my lover with all of his shortcomings. If he is my rebound, isn't it time for me to realize that? I refuse to marry him until I'm sure he is the one. I don't want to make a mistake. My friends and family see me as too good for him, that he is beneath me socially, financially and intelletually. I want to listen, but can't seem to be away from him longer than a few weeks. He is so good to me, worships me, will do anything for me. Isn't that what love is? Dana

Hi and welcome, when you first fell in love with this man you fell in love with him, not what has or doesn't have. At that time he was the courage you needed to get out of your unhappy marriage. You have to decide, without the input from your family and friends, what is important to you in a relationship. If you enjoy each other and can see yourself growing with him, that means aiming towards the same life goals, being there for each other and not basing your feeling on what material things he or you have, then that is love. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him, it's what you think. You can't help who you fall in love with, what sustains a relationship is good communication skills and a genuine feeling of "liking" this person. That is what love is all about. Listen to what your gut is telling you, sounds like love to me.

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