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Hello! Im Stacy and Im 20 years old. My boyfriend is 23 and

Hello! I'm Stacy and I'm...
Hello! I'm Stacy and I'm 20 years old. My boyfriend is 23 and we've been together for a little under a year, but our situation is a bit tough. He's in the military so we're long distance and have been for the past 5 months. We're lucky though, because we usually have enough time to talk for about an hour each day.

I'm trying to figure out if my boyfriend is right for me and if we'll be happy together in the future. I've had boyfriends before, but those relationships were always very unhealthy and nothing like the one I'm currently in. We have a pretty solid foundation. We trust each other, communicate well, are honest about things, care deeply about each others' feelings, and we happen to share the same views on religion, children, pets, finances, where to live, and roles within marriage. We've also seen each other at our best and worst.

I'm a bit worried about our chemistry, compatibility, or whatever you'd like to call it. We talk for hours each day and generally maintain the same work/school schedule so we run out of things to talk about sometimes. We are comfortable enough to share anything on our minds, though, so it's not like we're not open to each other. Sometimes I feel like we're connecting real well and other times it doesn't feel like we are. I'm pretty content being around him and realize that the infatuation and newness/excitement of a relationship doesn't last forever. We're quite comfortable just sitting around doing nothing. It's a content feeling. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I should be happy at the sight of him and at every single thing he says, 24/7. I don't understand it when my friends tell me they love their boyfriend because everytikme they see h8m, they just lose their breath and other such things as that. I always though that was infatuation, but maybe the love I'm feeling isn't real?

In previous relationships, I broke up with ex-boyfriends once I felt they were wrong for me, so I'm not staying with my current boyfriend just to be with somebody. I'm not scared to be single or scared to find a new guy, so that's not why I'm staying. I love and care for him very deeply. But still, I'm not sure how to tell if he's "The One" or not and I'm wondering if it's alright that the relationship doesn't feel like a magical fairy tale.

I'm not attracted to other guys (and I have been asked on dates but declined each time) and I'm quite certain that if I ever have children, I only want to with him. But other times I don't feel much at all, just feel normal. Is it ok to not connect all the time? I wonder if I'm happy, but with my past relationships and depression, I'm a pretty bad judge of that.

Please help me? How can I be sure we're compatible enough and we connect enough for a long term relationship (i.e. marriage)?
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Answered in 8 hours by:
8/3/2010
Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Verified

Thanks for writing to JustAnswer.

 

If I (or anyone) knew the secret to knowing if a relationship would last forever, I'd have my own talk show! Smile

 

I can tell you that your friend's descriptions of their reactions sound like very juvenile infatuations and not at all like true love. In real life, people get headaches, have indigestion, snore, etc.etc.

 

Yes, it would be nice for the sight of him to give you a little lift after you've been apart for a day or two (and a bigger lift after a longer separation). But not after you walked from one room to the other and there he is again...

 

In my opinion, knowing if it's love is more about how being with the other person makes you feel about yourself. When we're in a good, healthy relationship we can tell because we feel good about ourselves. We can be just who we are and know we are loved for who we are. No pretenses, no putting on an act.

 

Running out of things to talk about when you're so far apart doesn't mean the relationship isn't working. If you were together all day, you probably wouldn't spend as much time talking to each other--there would be silences, you'd be doing things together, and there would be glances that communicate more than words.

 

The things you listed that you have in common could have come right from a "how to have a healthy relationship" textbook....religion,money, marriage roles...those are the things that drive people apart after a few years if they're not compatible.

 

I think you have a shot at a really solid, healthy relationship here. Please stop comparing "your insides to other people's outsides". I guarantee you that your friends are exaggerating or even downright lying. Watch them together, see how they really are, and you will realize you have the potential for much more.

 

The only thing I would ask you to consider is to wait to make a decision about marriage until the two of you have had more face to face time. Some people can talk a good game, but can't really live up to what they say they believe. Nothing you've said makes me think this applies to your boyfriend, cut like I said in the beginning...no one can really predict for someone else how things will go.

 

This is your life you're making decisions about. Do your due diligence...spend another six months with him when he gets back to the States before you make any marriage or children decisions.

 

But from what you wrote, you sound like you found yourself a "keeper."

 

If this has been helpful, or at least given you food for thought, please click on ACCEPT so I can get credited for this answer!

Suzanne

Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Verified
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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
Is it ok that our passion has died down? And that we are sometimes bored around each other? We don't have much to do when we're together because of our situation (he's on a military base without a car so we have to walk places and usually just stay in the hotel with movies).

I've spent some time on a military base, and it can be a very boring place. And it may be the boredom that is affecting your passion. It's very hard to work up excitement when all you can do is hang out and watch movies.

 

Before you take this as a sign that things are dying down...you're going to need to get creative about how you spend your time together. Without a car, your choices are somewhat limited...but here are a few ideas to start you thinking creatively

...is there some silly board or card game that the two of you could play? A little competition will spark things up. UNO is a great game for two.

--- Have you tried every position in the Joy of Sex? Working your way through a book like this --try a new one each visit--could reawaken the passion that boredom on the base is creating.

---challenge each other to think of something new to do on each visit. His turn one week, yours the next.

---get a guide book, or look online, for anything interesting to do in the town where he's stationed. Can you take a cab off the base, or get a ride from one of his buddies?

 

Try everything you can think of to make your visits interesting before you think about giving up on this relationship.

 

My answers are based on the thought that you still love this man and want to be in the relationship. From what you've written, it sounds like a relationship worth having, but only you can know what's truly inside your heart...and that's what you have to listen to, ultimately.

I wish you all the best!

Suzanne

 

 

 

 

 

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Customer reply replied 7 years ago
What about when we have different hobbies/interests? The things he talks about are more intellectual than the things I am interested in. Is that ok since we have everything else needed for a great relationship?
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