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My partner and I are both 60 yrs old. We both have a 20 year…

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My partner and I are...
My partner and I are both 60 yrs old. We both have a 20 year marriage in our past (my divorce more recent than his). We have now lived together 3 months. He has a favorite bar that before I met him he went to almost daily, after work. Now he takes me along, at least 3 times per week. He sometimes drinks too much. The problems are as follows: he flirts with other women (if there is one available) especially the more he drinks. I am a bit insecure about my chest size and he knows it. He recently made a comment about his dream 52" woman and yesterday about a woman in a movie being flat chested. He says he wants to know, but becomes distant, if I get a phone call from a male friend. Psychological games I do not want. Your opinion on his actions?
Submitted: 8 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 32 minutes by:
7/19/2010
Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Good Afternoon,

When someone is in a committed relationship, that kind of behavior is uncalled for. It is disrespectful to you and it really is not a behavior someone who is serious about being in a relationship would display.

He may be trying other options (if you think that he is a womanizer) then you may always wonder at the back of your head what is he up to.

You've already shared with him how this makes you feel. His drinking is not helping his behavior either. Be firm and set boundaries. If he is expecting you to do something for him then withhold it and see if he would change. Of course, a permanent change would have to be something he desires and is willing to work on. Otherwise you would be left with the same behavior and should you decide to stay with him, have to find a way to deal with it (which is not advisable nor is going to make you happy)

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

To me he displays a bit of Passive-Aggressive behavior. He can be so affectionate and caring and then become unaffectionate, without much warning. The unaffection and lack of conversation sometimes lasts for a couple of days, especially so when he thinks I am hiding something (which I don't). The first couple of months we dated, he kept sharing TMI about women in his life (eg. how his best friend's wife (of 5 years) had both talked about "what if" they had met first; a lady at his bar hitting on him for a date, whom he said he told he was with me now, and on and on). I would rather he had not told me. Once I confronted him about any "to much info" issues, he eventually stopped sharing with me.

He is controlling, admits that in the past he considered himself an alcoholic and has a definite problem with not knowing when to stop gambling at a casino.

I want to trust him and work to make this the best relationship, especially at our age.

Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago

You can trust him when he can earn your trust (and you never have anything not even 1% at the back of your head). Of course, you can trust him blindly and get hurt. Regardless of what causes his behavior, you have pointed it out to him and he needs to respect you completely as the woman in his life at the moment.

His behavior may be a habit from his ex marriage (you would have wonder what he did and how he treated the ex) If he is becoming unaffectionate w/o warning then possibly you are correct he is being controlling (as a way of what punish you for confronting him?)

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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Obviously I have some doubt about the relationship, or I would not me conversing with you right now. When it comes to trust, I worry a little that he is, or has in the past, engaged in cheating behavior, and therefore thinks that I must be doing the same.

What, in your opinion, is the best way to handle the situation of his flirting? Count to 10, try to ignore it, walk away?

Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago
I think I already addressed that - set limits, confront and no do not ignore (that would only enable him further.)
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Customer reply replied 8 years ago

Okay. I hope that I can be strong enough to not allow him to put doubts in my mind about my attractiveness or worth, because I see his little comments that are starting to surface as a way to break me down. I pray for confidence each and every day so I can stay in focus and not let that happen.

I have read a lot about this type of behavior occuring because of insecurity.

Bot***** *****ne....I just want to be happy for whatever time I have left on this earth, and I am fighting with my emotions right now as to stay with him or get out.

Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 8 years ago

No one should make you feel bad about yourself. You have had all your life to get to where you feel ok and then someone comes and tries to destroy that- not cool.

Yes, people try to put others down to take the focus off of themselves. Maybe he is narcissistic? Check this out http://samvak.tripod.com/msla8.html

Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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