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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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I met a Christian guy over a year ago. Its just friendship.

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I met a Christian guy over a year ago. It's just friendship. I have no other feelings than that for this guy.   I went to a church event during the July 4th weekend from Thursday till Monday. The entire first 3 days for 8 hrs, he complained about every avenue of life. I can see here and there but all 8 hrs was too much for me. I was nice to him at first by asking him if he was in a bad mood? He said no. Then two days later, he did it again and worse. It got to me so I told him rudely that he should appreciate his life that he has lived because he has had no major trauma. That's what got to me the most, he was complaining about normal things that life gives everyone. If he can't handle that than he won't be able to handle a divorce, illness or more. I feel I did the right thing by setting boundaries with him because all his negativity was bring me down and getting me in a bad mood. Then on our way home he admitted that a woman he has met over a year ago who has not met in person yet showed him her lower private part. I got upset with him because he is always preaching about no sex before marriage. Hello, this is not intercourse but it's a form of sex. I had told him if this woman is showing that to him that most likely she is doing to others as well. See, she makes every excuse not to meet him in person even though he is willing to drive to her and they live in the same state. She has no career that makes her travel that doesn't allow her to meet him. I feel he is wasting his time. As a friend, I told him this. Then he justified this that everyone does bad. I got upset with him because he is always preaching about ppl being hypocrites. So, now he has falling for this. I feel that this woman is making him fall away from his ChristXXXXX XXXXXfe. My point is fine if you want to do this than stop preaching about living a ChristXXXXX XXXXXfe of no sex before marriage.    I see this woman hurting him deeply. I feel he is not the only man she is talking to etc. He feels this way in one point but still hoping that she's the one. I feel he is desperate because he is below average man in looks and career. He is also 40 yrs old and a virgin who has never had a relationship with a woman even though he has tried. This is the first close to a relationship that he has ever had if you call it that. Since he has met this woman, he had put me as a good friend in the back burner even though they have never met in person. This woman is controlling and doesn't know about me. He has never told her. She is the way because I know she is talking to other men more than just friends. So, in other words she can do it but he can't. We are truly just good friends. The only reason I put my two scents with this friend is because he talks to me about his personal life and wants advice. He is always negative toward men but very passive about this woman's bad behavior. He is the one who says he has doubts but still is keeping a hold on her. What upsets me I see many men like him choosing the wrong woman just because she is good in manipulation? I'm trying to let him know this. He just has to learn the hard way. I had major surgery on June 1st to remove 2 uterus fibroid. Since this woman, he doesn't care about anyone else. He never asks me about my surgery or how I feel. The only reason he knows its because I told him about it. During this christian event, he keep on wanting sympathy for normal ailments. Due to his lack of caring for me, I did the same thing. See, I treat ppl the way they treat me. I think this friendship is becoming one sided. So, I ended it during an argument btw us. He asked me why I was being mean and told him. I haven't heard from him since. It's been since May 5th since we have chatted. Did I handle this correctly or should have done it a different way?
Hello and thanks for using!

I'm going to put his personal life aside. He knows where you stand on this (I'm glad to hear you didn't offer your opinion until he asked for your advice) and now it's a non-issue. He may be making a mistake, but it's entirely his mistake to make as a grown man and obviously he's choosing to pursue this relationship.

The real issue is whether you feel your friendship was being reciprocated. You were there for him by listening to his complaints, offering advice when asked, and (I assume) caring about his well being as his friend. It sounds like he wasn't there for you, however, when you could have used the support of your good friend. Has he always been like this?? I ask because as his friend, you understand that sometimes people go through difficult times when it's easy to become self-absorbed and forget how important it is to be there for others. If that's the case, then perhaps this is a time when he could use a friend like you to see him through this mess and be there for them in the event that this relationship leaves him broken-hearted (OR to support him in his decision and the happiness he feels with this other woman). If he's always been this way toward you, though, then I don't see why you would want to maintain this friendship. It's very normal to recognize when a friendship is no longer fulfilling in any way and particularly if it has become a negative and emotionally draining connection to maintain. Think about how this relationship has been over the course of your friendship and whether it is something worth having in your life.

If you decide you're happier without this friendship in your life, then you absolutely made the right decision. If, however, you realize he was there for you the majority of the time and that having him as a friend is something you value, ask if you can sit down to talk through all of this. Again, leave his personal life out of it -- You're simply trying to mend a friendship by explaining what you have to offer in this relationship and what you'd like in return. The hypocritical remarks are certainly something you could bring up if they bother you tremendously, but be aware that this is a pretty critical observation (however true) and he may become very defensive about it.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

No, he wasn’t always this way. It’s been like this since this woman. I feel she is no good for him and will control who is his friends. He hasn’t mentioned me to her because of that.

This man has no issues except normal things like paying bills, working etc. That is why his complaining for 8 hrs got to me. He should be pleased that he has not had any major issues or trauma. He should appreciate that instead of complaining. Most ppl would kill to have his lack of problems.

I’ve already told him how I feel about this woman and him being a hypocritc because of her. I told him that she is moving him away from his morals and values. I didn’t think much of her when he told me she has a disabled child and she will put him in home in couple of years so she doesn’t have to deal with him. I don’t believe in this and I thought he didn’t either. This child is her responsibility till the end.

I just tell it how I see it. Plus, he is telling me these bad things about this woman. I’m just verifying it and letting him know that she is not good for him as a strong Christian he was.

It sounds like he's changed quite a bit... It also sounds like you miss the person he was before he met this woman. I wonder how he would react if you approached it that way? What if you were to say something like, "I'm noticing a lot of changes in you since you met this woman and I miss my friend." That way it's not criticism, just an observation and stating the fact that you want him in your life provided he's still the guy you know he really is.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
He is just very unhappy and finds fault in everything and everyone except this woman who is no good for him. At first she told him that the only sexual partner he had was her ex-husband, now with time she had told him of several men. I told him her lieing about this is a big sign that she is not trustworthy.

I suppose the way I told him originally sounded critical. That is where I'm direct and to the point and not very politically correct.

I also felt he was trying to manipulate me by talking about his ailments as well. I ignored it because he hasn't been there for me either through mine. This is a side of him I have never seen before. So with the 8 hrs of complaining with this manipulation, caused me to rethink this friendship.
I know it's very difficult to try to leave his personal life out of it. However, I think the more critical you are of his relationship, the more judged he will feel and therefore the more defensive about it all. If you approach this again with him, see if you can keep the issue about your friendship. You could allude to the relationship by simply stating he's changed a great deal lately and adding what you mentioned about a side of him you haven't seen before. He may realize on his own how much this woman is to account for these changes, but if you point it out to him I imagine he'd shut down and the conversation wouldn't be as productive.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
The only reason I have these thoughts or give him my opinion is because he always telling me the reasons he has doubts of her. This is every conversation we have.<br /><br />Him complaining ab minut things in life got to me. Every subject was a negative comment or thought.  I'm serious it was an all day deal.  once in a while is normal but all day is way too much. It was affecting my mood. It was making me in a bad mood. I just got sick of it. I had told to stop this in a nice way and it didn't work. So, a few days later I raised my voice and told him it was enough and he should appreciate what he has had in life. That most ppl would die for his lack of problems.
When he says he has doubts, ask him, "Do you want my opinion?" That way he won't be offended by what you have to say if he says he does (provided you aren't too harsh, of course!)

The constant complaining can definitely be irritating. Perhaps it was just an off day for him? You could certainly handle it with sarcasm by saying something like, "Wow... You really do have a terrible life. I mean with the chronic illness, the job loss, identity theft, and recent death of your friend... Oh, wait... I must be thinking of someone else. Your life is just as bad, though, right??" Then smile and give him a hug. Then tell him it's OK to be down on ourselves sometimes, but it might help to think about what IS going well -- Ask him to tell you the things he is thankful for. This could help him to adjust his perspective and allow you to see him in a more positive light as well.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I guess I can be harsh bc I'm honest with how I feel.

No, it wasn't just one day. I was with him from Thursday till Monday. The entire time was this complaining. It's been since he met this woman.

I did tell him about focusing on what he is thankful for.

Honestly, I'm tire of uplifting everyone around me including him. It sounds selfish but I don't get that in return. I'm the uplifting and motivator for everyone. It takes a tole on me. I'm sick of it. So, when he complained on ailments I just ignored him. I'm tried of being everyone's giver and them take. When is it my time is my attitude these days.
Perhaps this is something you could bring up in your discussion with him -- The fact that you're beginning to feel weighed down by the constant need to motivate others to look at the bright side. Sometimes YOU need that motivation and you want to be able to count on your friends for that (including him). If he's not able to be there for you, then your decision to put space between you was likely a good one. Still no contact from either of you??
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I have told him about this motivation and ppl taking from me all the time. I don't know how many times probably 100s. I didn't tell him directly that I needed motivation and uplifting from him as a friend though. It was done indirectly. I suppose not everyone gets that.

I was upset not only because he was a downer for 5 days straight but also he knows I have suffered from depression and these actions can bring me to that level again. I won't let that happen again. I thought it was a selfish of him not to thing of that. I would he.

No, contact from either one of us.

I think the space idea is a good one.
You may try being more direct regarding what you're feeling and what you need. I agree that not everyone "gets it" when imply things indirectly.

After some time has passed, think about whether you'd like him in your life again. Perhaps after having had some space, you'll be better able to communicate with him regarding exactly what you want out of the friend sip (and things you might miss at that point?) and he may be in a different place in his life altogether and better able to be there for you.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
When I'm direct, like you said before I can be more critical and rude.

I do diffently need the space from him especially if every convo is negative.

Thanks for the info! You have been great and helpful to sort this out.