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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1768
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hello, I have a problem. I have boyfriend that is 11 years

Customer Question

Hello, I have a problem. I have boyfriend that is 11 years older than me and has 2 children. I really fall in love with him and felt amazing with him like never before. after some time he has become very controlling as he was paying for most of the bills he thought this way he control me because at that time i didnt earn much many. he is a good man that cares about his children. He has good contact with his exwife. I wanted to ask if I can stay in this realtionship as i feel really uncomfortable with his 2 children and exwife. I have notice that it is very difficult for me to cope with it. I have nightmares about the fact that his exwife will be always there and so are his children. that i am going to be always at the 3rd place.i am not sure if this is sellfish from me to be with him because it keeps me depressed and many times i feel left out. i am so sad ...that i cant cope with it even though i love him. please could you help me if i should try or i am not mature to understand that?please help me
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi, This man has been married before and has two children. The fact is that he, as you know, will always be in their lives and therefore his wife will be there too. If they have a good relationship with each other that is great since the children need to see that people may not be able to live with each other but can get along and be amicable. You will never be 1st when the person you love is controlling, that is a huge red flag. There was a reason for his divorce and it may have something to do with this type of behavior. Men who control choose women that they feel they can manipulate into being controlled. He has already done this to you. You are young and do not have the experience nor the maturity to accept being comfortable with his children, and ex-wife. Your gut is telling you something, nightmares, feeling left out, depressed. Listen to what you feel. You can do anything you want including staying in the relationship however you need to think about what is right for you. It's not selfish to want to be with the person you love if you are getting back from him what you need, it doesn't sound like you are or you ever will. Please click accept and leave feedback.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

hi dr Keane,


I worte to you some time ago. I think you will have me on your data monday, july the 12th. I have written about my boyfriend that have 2 children. The situation came to this that yesterday he said he doesnt want to be with me as he thinks that all the time i am " killing" him over things because I dont like the fact that he spends so much time with his children.He said he knows how i am going to behave when we will have children together that i will never allow him to see his kids from the previous relationship.

That i will restrict him. He also said he loves me very much but he cant live a life like that.

I was crying all afternoon couldnt find myself, couldnt cope with the situation. i was afraid of what i will do. For him i put all my friend aside. I am originally from Poland, came to England 3 years ago. I have recently got a good job. Previously lived in 7 years relation with a polish man how came with me to england. I have left him for Paul my current boyfriend.

After I was crying for that long he evenually said "can we try again" ,he asked me if i can stop interfering in his relationship between his kids and him, not to feel jealous.

Today i got up feeling extremely humiliated and embarassed like i have no dignity. He said he dont want to be with me and i still stayed with him and i dont know wheather it is because i love him so much or i am scared to be on my own in this world.

i am scared so much for the future. i am scared that i am making the wrong decision. i am scared that if we will have children it will feel very bad and i will be left on my own.

Once i had a a chat with a psychologist and she said that there is a small girl in me that is scared the responsibility. Maybe you can guide me a bit tell me what you think about the whole situation. Thanks a lot Natalia