Hi yea pegs and thanks for writing.
You know I do not like it that this was forwarded to the dogs expert and I do not agree that your husband is behaving badly. I have to back up my answer on this, so let me try and then you can let me know what you think?
I know you are not going to like my answer one single bit, but here goes?
When those children are in your husbands house should they not adhere to their grandfathers rules and values? I am not trying in the very least to be difficult here, but while I am much younger than your husband I often spent time at my grandparents homes and often had grand nephews and grand nieces visit me at my home.
My grandparents were much older than my parents and had much stricter rules than my parents. I cannot say that I was always absolutely comfortable in their homes and I know that I hated the earlier bed time and many other rules but they were my grand parents and so I was on best behavior. I minded my manners because I understood that my parents and grand parents wanted me to become an evolved and sophisticated human creature that they could send around the world and be proud of. They did just that before they died and while I may not have appreciated their lessons at age 14 I did "get it" oh so well by the time I was 16.
I also believe that when you are a guest in anyones house you abide by the rules. If you are a smoker you do not smoke in a non smokers house. If you are a late sleeper you awaken early in the home of an early riser. I am not sure why your husband has to accommodate his grandchildren (step children or not) in his own home and why they have shown him such little deference ( not to mention respect).
None of my neices, nephews or grand neices or nephews are biological relatives. They are all "step" children to me and not a one has ever displayed poor manners or not abided by the rules of my household when staying with me. I adore them all and look forward to their visits. So, hate to disappoint you,
but both clinically and personally I have to ask
what is wrong with those kids that they do not get it?
Let me know.
warm regards. I know you feel you are in the middle, but hopefully you can see the other side of this equation.