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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I am seeing a man, 20 years older than I am. He started out being very nice, bringing me out for movies and dinner. Recently, anything that he wants to discuss about is sex. I am beginning to think he only wants me for that. Very depressing after falling so deep for him. He is torturing me mentally and I'm so lost.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

I am sorry for this difficult time you are having. Based on what you have written, I suggest sitting down and talking to him about this when the two of you will not be disturbed. During this time, be honest with him and tell him how you feel and let him respond. Also, ask him what is it that he wants to get out of your relationship and discuss it. Discuss what you want to get out of the relationship as well. At the end of your discussions you should both decide together which direction your relationship will take. Don't be afraid to discuss things because it takes two to make a relationship work and in order to do that you must honestly communicate with each other.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Dear XXXXX, thank you for your reply. As a couple, we did communicate and discussed what we want out of our relationship. However, his reply will always be very vague. You said in order for a relationship to work, there must be honest communication. The thing is, I really do not know when or whether he is telling me the truth in the first place! Angela, before I found out he was 20 years older than I am, he told me he was only 33. If he could lie to me about his age, he could lie about anything else right? He also claims that he lives with his 'cousin' and his 'cousin's girlfriend', but why is it he doesn't want to talk to me over the phone when he is home? When I visit his place, he would also chase me out of the house by a certain time because I quote him: 'my cousin will be back home soon and he would not be happy to see someone at home'. If he takes our relationship seriously, what is wrong with introducing me to his family members? Unless that 'cousin' of his is his wife....... Tell me if my hunch is correct. The men's shoes at his place appears to be only of one size. Can it be such coincidence that his 'cousin' shares the same shoe size? He also uses the master bathroom, hangs his towel in the master bathroom, place his clothes and belongings in the master bedroom. Now, why on earth would you do that when you have a couple living in the room?! Would not it be incovenient and awkward? This is very hurtful. Everytime I tell him I love him and that I miss him, he'll say he misses the sex. I used to be the person who would never let a man treat me like he does, but I also have no idea why I fell in love with him in the first place and why I can't stand firm and tell him enough is enough. Let me hear your opinion Angela. ;'(
In light of everything you just shared, without question, please consider distancing yourself from this man. All of your instincts are on target because something is not right with his living condition and with sounds as if he has been a selfish and manipulative liar at the very least and you deserve so much better than this. The reason you fell in love with him is because he presented the side of himself which he wanted you to see and you fell in love with him which is why you say you can't stand firm and tell him enough. Don't be yourself up for this for falling in love with him, but now that you see his true colors (-lies, deceit, very much sounds as if he is in another relationship, etc.) please strongly consider breaking it off from him before he hurts you even more. It is hard to do, but you can stand firm and tell him that it's over for all of the above reasons especially since you deserve so much better than him.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Dear XXXXX, thank you for your reply. I am feeling extremely depressed. There was so much to take in today. I had to deal with unruly customers at work and worse of, I learned much more things about him and lies he said.


Today, I found out that he was in another relationship and they both got together as recent as a year ago. I presume all these while, he is his own 'cousin' and the women's stuff belongs to his girlfriend, wife or fiancee.


I feel so angry, so sad and depressed, so stupid and most of all, apologetic towards his girlfriend (if he really does have one). I would never ever stepped in if I knew he was already in a relationship.


Angela, after all that he had done, why do I still have hopes that he is no longer in a relationship with the lady. I find excuses and try to convince myself in hope that things could work out. A voice in me keeps telling me that maybe he had already ended their relationship before we started ours. Things like if there was really a woman, he probably would have never invited me over to his place and shown me where he lived. Things like he would not have taken up the job opportunity and embark in a new career overseas; leaving his girlfriend alone at home. He is currently situated outside of the country for work and will be there for a year.


Earlier today, I spoke to him over the phone and told him I needed to end the relationship because he haven't been entirely honest with me and that that was not what I was looking for in a relationship. I did not tell him what I had found out as I wanted him to tell me himself. Through out the conversation, he did not admit being in a relationship and did not take the initative to tell me anything. He begged me not to leave and not to give up on him. Angela, I am lost. I feel so helpless. What should I do?

I am sorry for the pain this is causing you. You still have hopes because you are genuinely in love with him and unfortunately, although he is unworthy of you being in love with him, your feelings don't change that quickly. I still feel that you should leave him for all of the reasons I mentioned before....remember because you are genuinely in love with him that is the only reason you think that there could be hope, however, even today he still was not honest with you and did not take the initiative to tell you anything- another huge red flag. I suggest to also do the following because you are worth it:

1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this extremely painful experience with and who will also help you through it.

2. You are dealing with various normal emotions due to being separated from someone you were once so close to, therefore, if possible, I recommend going to see a therapist, counselor, etc., in person on a weekly basis to help you deal with this (-especially any guilt, hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. that you may naturally feel). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).

3. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will help you through this difficult time and it will also help you to heal. It will take some time, but you will get through this very painful and difficult time if you do the above steps.

4. A book I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation, which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but slowly and surely you will be able to overcome this.

Angela and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Dear XXXXX, thank you for your reply. I have been thinking about what you said. I just hope that I would have the courage and strength to stand firm and not allow him to treat me that way. You are right, perhaps it takes time... Because right now I am still constantly thinking about him. Thank you for your honesty and advice. Keep in touch. Sincerely, Sheena


You can do it, don't underestimate yourself and if needed get one of your close friends to help you stand up to him. You can do it and you are worth it. Thank you for letting me share with you.

Edited by Angela (M. A. in Community Psy.) on 7/13/2010 at 8:06 PM EST

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