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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1767
Experience:  PHD LPC
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My husband of 29 years says he loves me but not in love.

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My husband of 29 years says he "loves me" but not "in love. He says he doesn't love himself and doesn't know what he wants.We have 5 children some grown and two still at home. He has rekindled a high school friend and both over stepped marital boundries .He still hugs me and kisses me each morning but he is wanting a no responsibility- blames everyone- that "I" thing not a "we" or "us. I think it is part of that "mid life" thing. He knows how I feel about this "life time friend' and I feel that is more important than his family. I have tried to say we can do family things with them but not a he/she thing.
I love him dearly , he said he has felt this way for a while about our relationship and never said anything until I went to counseling and then we went. After that he often would do little things like"text me" in the morning to say I love you have a great day.Our sexual life has been the best ever. I know there is something great here.
Why is he doing this? Should I tell him to leave and hope he can find himself because he has everyone here to support him. Our children are angry and say they have lost trust and respect for him but still love him.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi and welcome, I know this is difficult for you to live through. After 29 years he may be thinking about his own mortality, what he did in his life and what he feels he "missed". It's very alluring and exciting to have someone "new" however he can't have it both ways. If you are still going to marriage counseling that will help but at some time you have to decide what you want to do with your life and I am sure it's not sitting waiting for him. You have been married for such a long time, he probably does love you but being in love is different. It's chemical, in the brain and gives a person those "feel good and young" messages. You need to take care of you and if feel he needs to leave, then tell him. You deserve better as do your children. If you are okay with the talks you are having and the dates then stick with the counseling.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
He has decided to let his hair go gray, goatee? Is this part of it? The kids say I should give him about two weeks to see if it is a temporray thing and hopefully he will realize what he is giving up. He even planned a 4 day trip for all of us and we got there and her whole family was there too.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi, I would think that her whole family being at a get away is counter productive to your marriage improving, it only proves he is not seriously working on anything except what he wants, selfish. Sounds as though he believes you will accept his "new" self and way of life. Your children should not be expected to be witness to this immature and irresponsible behavior. Two weeks isn't going to make much of a difference, therapy will if he is willing to make the changes.
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