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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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I will try to be as brief as possible (usually a precursor

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I will try to be as brief as possible (usually a precursor to a long story, sorry!). Dated a girl in January for a couple months, didn't get to the actual "relationship" phase as there was something missing whenever we got together. So we parted ways. Then I suggested that we should be fine with hanging out as friends to get to know each other better, and if something turned out, then great. We got along great, had common interests, and on paper we were exactly what the other was looking for.

During this, however, I met someone who was almost the opposite. The new one had a ton of red flags (kids, not yet divorced, smoker, religious beliefs), yet had the one big thing in that we clicked immediately. Not trusting that the first one could have the same feelings, the new one and I proceeded to have a super fast 3 month relationship, which then fizzled out as those red flags became a big problem. During this time, I thought about the first girl quite a bit, wishing that she and I had that connection to go along with all the other compatibilities.

After my relationship ended, the first girl contacted me (she didn't know of the split) and we started to talk again. I found out that choosing the other girl really hurt her and she couldn't stop thinking of me. This is exactly what I was hoping for!

Four weeks later, we are at a crossroads again. We can talk for 3 hours on the phone just fine, but when we are in person it becomes awkward. Didn't help that 2 of the 3 times we got together I was meeting her close friends for the first time of course. Now we're back to wondering if a spark will ever come.

Are we just expecting too much? I am now terrified of "blowing it", debating whether or not to even text her that day in fear I may push her away similar to before. The thing is, I've dated enough to know a bad connection when I see one, and this isn't one. It's just not easy to read her and I feel there is something that's blocking us, something that could kill a possible great thing for both of us.
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Help me to understand what's missing... Are you physically attracted to her? Do you feel you connect on an emotional level (able to have intimate conversations with one another, want the same things in a relationship, feel good about being together)??

I'll be very honest with you -- I get the feeling one or all of those things may be missing.... If that's the case, I wouldn't suggest you try to force it to bloom over time. If it's not there for you, it's simply not there. Over time, that initial spark of passion fades somewhat to a comfortable and deeper emotional connection. However, it's that initial spark that makes the relationship so exciting and makes both of you want to be together, reinvent ways to bring romance to the relationship, and find yourselves even more attracted to each other in more meaningful ways. Without that early foundation, though, you may find that you're constantly trying to force feelings that simply don't exist. Imagine the heartache if one of you met someone else who was the whole package -- perfect on paper AND sparks are flying. That person is out there for you both. If you find that you don't feel that way with one another, give each other the chance to find someone who does.

It sounds like you've found an amazing best friend, but I question whether this is truly the romance you're looking for. Again, I could be missing some important information, so correct me if I'm wrong. If you think there could be a connection if only you could "read her" more accurately, that's something entirely different to focus on. If that's the case, you'd need to sit down with her to discuss how you're feeling and what you think could be missing. If it's something you're able to work on together, that's wonderful. If not, however, I think the thing that could kill this great thing you've found is the fact that it's not as great as you'd hoped.
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