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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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I believe my boyfriend broke up with me because he is self-sabotaging...I

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I believe my boyfriend broke up with me because he is self-sabotaging...I know he loves me, he was just discussing an engagment ring. And then I  found out he recently cheated. I forgave him, but I think he is full of guilt. what can I do to get him to realize these behaviors and be confident in our relationship and that I will not reject him? I don't know whether to give him space or confront this issue.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Due to the fact that you think your boyfriend is self sabotaging, I recommend confronting the issue instead of giving him space. Consider confronting the issue in this manner. Arrange a time to meet with him when the two of you will be alone and will not be disturbed (-for example, go to the park for a long walk or for a picnic). During this time remind him of how much you love him and then tell him that you forgave him for cheating on you. Let him know that you love him and you will not reject him and this is why you have arranged for the alone time that you both are having. Ask him why he cheated on you and let him respond. Ask him any other questions that you may have about him cheating on you. Then once he is finished answering your questions, share with him that you think his behavior is self-sabotaging and tell him why you think this (-being afraid of getting married, etc.) and discuss it with him. Also, discuss how you would prefer for him to handle issues in place of him self-sabotaging. At the end of your conversation both of you should decide together what direction your relationship will take and hopefully you both will agree to continue your relationship.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I believe he has intimacy issues and low self esteem. The girl was attractive and hit on him, and he couldnt let her down. I am so scared to call and find out this is it. We have spent 4 great years together. His mother doesn't think this is what he wants i.e. not being with me.

Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Your fears are completely understandable and normal. However, the best way to address them is by talking to him in the loving manner I described above. Remember, let him respond to your statements and questions first and then you respond back with how you feel. There is nothing wrong with sharing with him how you feel, especially about him being self sabotaging, just be sure to let him respond to the questions I suggested asking him first and then share how you feel. For example, after he responds to your questions, you could start out by saying in response, seems like you were sabotaging our relationship.....and then let him respond. It takes honest communication for any relationship to work, so don't be afraid to have this conversation with him in a loving and honest manner.
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