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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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why does my ex boyfriend continue to ride by m by house 3-5

Resolved Question:

why does my ex boyfriend continue to ride by m by house 3-5 times a day? We quit seeing each other about 1 year ago, & it's as if he's just checking to see if I have moved on or not.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using!

It's impossible to know for sure unless you ask him. He could be checking up on you to see if you're seeing someone new or to see if your ex is there. Or perhaps he's hoping to see you and trying to work up the courage. It could also be the fastest route for wherever it is he goes on those days. More likely, it's a combination of all of these things. It sounds like it's worth a discussion to find out what his intentions are. If you'd like him to stop, tell him that. The conversation will either open the door for a relationship (even if it's just a friendship) once again or you'll gain some closure by not having to see him patrol the house anymore.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
No, there is no way that riding by my house is a faster route for him on 98% of the trips he makes during the day. He owns a cadillac/chevrolet dealership, he has plenty of time on his hands, & access to change cars all fo the time. If he only rode by the front of my house, maybe, but he makes a full circle of the block. I live on the corner, with a great many windows to make it very easy to see inside of the back of the house if you are coming up behind the house on the street that runs right beside of the house. This is exactly how he knew that my ex was inside of the house, because I kept his car hidden in the garage at all times. Plus, when I very angry last year at the time of the breakup, I said something to him about it, & he has become much more careful now. He has even gone so far as to choose cars that are very similar to the cars that live on this street, so it much harder to notice him. In the past when this went on, it was very obvious that he would like it if we got back together, but this time things just took an uglier turn at the very end. Plus, I think that I mentioned that when he was willing to let bygones be bygones, my feelings had been so hurt at that time, I found myself unable to respond in any way at all. This man has never been married,& we both are afraid of commitment, but all of his friends sat that they haven't seen him act like this about anyone in a very long time (over 20 yrs). To close my argument, this is a very small town, & I have seen him follow me once before. And this where it really gets crazy, but I dated his brother 30 yrs ago, & he followed me, watched me, even enrolled at the University when I went back to work on my degree. This brother is dead now, but we did spend a great deal of our time with his family. Both brothers are between 8-10 years older than me. I have always been considered attractive, but I have taken really good care of myself, & am considered VERY attractive at this point in my life. The only thing that I know for sure is that it is very painful for both of us if we run into each other & if he were interested in rekindling that old flame, he would want to be sure that I was receptive to the idea. I know that he is terrified of me hurting him again, so that is why I am so concerned. I would also like to know if you feel that we could ever make this realtionship work, with all of the baggage it has. I do know that I have been in love a few times, but no one has ever looked at me the same way that this man does ( many people have said things about "the way he looks at you") Please just help me to figure out what some of this means or is leading up to, if anything.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I have already replied to your answer. This in itself tells me something. No, I have a couselor, & I am used to a more indepth qanswer. Sorry, I can't accept your answer, in the first place , I don't think that u put even $9 worth of time onto your answer.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
I don't want you to accept, of course, unless you find the answer helpful.

When is the last time you talked to him?? I understand you see him drive by frequently enough that it can't possibly be anything but purposeful, but have you spoken to him recently? I'm trying to get a feel for where you left off... Was the incident in November the last contact you had with him?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
No, the incident in November was not the last contact. In November, was the 1st time that he seemed like he was going to finally open up & be able to commit. Was really able to open up, & seemed so excited about me. I had planned to give him a call by that Sunday,unfortunately, my ex was in the house by then. He had to have been stalking then, (well, actually, I had taken that up with him the year before) or he would have never known that he was in the house. My own neighbor didn't know it. But, this was a big reconcillation, & then all of a sudden, he was different, not harsh, but different.Well, I reacted to this, & the holidays came around, I was dating other people, consequently, i was able to just avoid him. (still stalking) By the time January came around I had let my ex's just moved out live-in stay with me for a couple of days, ( totally confusing to this guy). But, we ran into him in a place we had always hung around, & as soon as another ex-bofriend of mine left, he jumped all over me about what we were doing together. That is when he blurted out that he knew that my ex had stayed in the house. All I did was admit to it, figuring it was none of his business. This seemed to just make him angrier, so he began to tell the guy next to him ( a complete stranger) about the ugly things that I had I said in the original breakup argument. Thswes wre things that I will always regret, & am quite ashmed of saying. So, I was going to put my hand over his mouth, unfortunately, it landed over his mouth al little too hard, almost like a slap. This is a place where "everybody knows your name" . So, in anger he told me to get the "f**k" out of his life. (this is a well brought up man , who would never lower himself to that level) We knew each other well enough that I know he knew I did not do that on purpose.Since then, the only thing that he has done to kepp the door open, is to always make sure that he has conversations with my 17 yr old daughter, he literally hides his date from me,( I mean literally), & of couse stalk me regularly.He is very friendly with my daughter , & he has tried to get me to talk to him. at that time I was just too hurt. Now, I have at least turned the other cheek, & I have waved & smiled from across a restaurant. Now, he knows that I have been dating someone here in town, & I just wish thathe would go one way or another. But, I know him well enough to say that he won't show those cards unless, I completely don't date him. I am tired of hiding this guy, but would be willing to give hime up fro a reconcillation. ( I am not looking at this guy as anything but somethingt to to do, so I wouln't consider it a loss)
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
What would happen if you invited him to meet for a lunch or coffee -- just to clear the air and make sure you're both on the same page. Explain that it's becoming ridiculous to play silly games with each other (driving by, hiding new dates) since you live in such a small town and it would just be best if you could talk it all out. I think enough time has passed that you've both been able to step back and gain some perspective on all of this. Tell him how you're feeling and what you want from your relationship now (friendship? try to reconcile a romantic relationship?) Ask what he wants and see if you can come up with a plan for how to achieve that goal together given the issues that have arisen in the past. Try to keep problems on the table as something you're looking at / solving together (as opposed to pointing fingers and laying blame on either one of you). Frame it all positively by beginning with the fact that you care about him and want to find some resolution -- return to this statement if things get off track. You asked earlier if I thought there was any hope given all of the baggage. I've seen couples with a lot more negative history bounce back and find success. I think if you're both interested in making something work, it's certainly possible. He obviously wants to be in your life to some degree -- maybe it's time to find out what it is he really wants and explore how you're both feeling about each other now.
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