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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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I am happily married for five years and have two grown step

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I am happily married for five years and have two grown step children. Laura is 26 and Dave is 31. One lives 90 miles away, the second lives about 200 miles away. I live in beautiful Maine and once summer arrives in May, both grown children phone my husband and tell him when they are coming up to stay overnight or nights. This behavior continues throughout most of the summer, then starts up again during the holidays. I am never contacted and they both treat my house like a hotel.
I have told my husband that I would like his children to check to see if the weekend works for me as often times I just need a quiet weekend with no visitors. I have a stressful job ,work more than 40 -50 hours per week and also attend graduate school at night for most of the year. My husband says that our house is his kids home away from home and shouldn't need to ask to visit, but just let us know when they are coming. This is causing a great deal of tension between my husband and me. Please avise.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

I would try talking to him one more time about the matter and ask him again, how the two of you can compromise so that both of your needs can be met. Your husband is wrong by telling you that his kids can just come whenever they want to without checking with you. During your conversation, once again point out to him the stress you have between working and attending school and explain to him again how this is causing tension to your marriage. Also, tell him that your marriage should involve both of you making decisions concerning when his children come and visit. You certainly have a full load with work and school. You should not have to lock yourself away somewhere in your own house and your house is not a hotel. Therefore, maybe a compromise could include, him paying for you to spend a couple of days away at a nice hotel when his kids come (-if that is acceptable to you). If so, you could be with the kids for some of the time and then choose when to go to the hotel for quiet time and to prepare for work. This is just a possible example of a compromise if you are both comfortable with it. Continue to discuss the issue with him and ensure that he knows that you both must decide on a compromise which meets both of your needs.
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