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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I have been with my partner since mid 2007, we are now engaged.

Resolved Question:

I have been with my partner since mid 2007, we are now engaged. I feel we share a mature relationship: we have good sex, talk about even the hard stuff, are making serious long term plans. He works hard in a good job in finance, is responsible with money. My friends love him and often say they can see how much he adores me. I really feel that he loves + is attracted to me. The one problem is his binge drinking. I am not sure if he is an alcoholic- as we can go out for dinner + just have share 1 wine bottle - but at the pub (personal or work) he drinks until he is so drunk he can't remember a thing. It has happened twice: I have caught him kissing and groping other girls while he is really drunk (I am there). The next day he can't remember, is horrified + says doesn't know why. The 1st time I stayed when he said he wouldn't do it again + he has cut down on big nights but it happened again. Is it the drinking or the sex part that is the problem? Will it ever change? Should I stay?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, it sounds as if he does have a drinking problem and if a counselor actually told him that it was simply a drunken mistake then clearly the counselor was clueless and wrong. His behavior can change if he is willing to be accountable for his behavior and to get help for it. I would recommend having him attend AA meetings because AA meetings are for people who cannot control their drinking and who want to stop drinking and so forth. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism. At the meetings he would be able to get support from others who are struggling with him as they all work to stop drinking and to achieve their goals. As far as his sexual behavior towards strangers, he could be responding to the alcohol which he is under the influence of because alcohol is a chemical and a stimulant. If he is willing to be accountable for his behavior and to get help for it, then I think you could continue in this relationship. However, if he chooses not to be accountable and to get help for his behavior, then I think you would be better off leaving this relationship because his behavior will only continue to be the same.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hi and thanks. He has decided to see an addiction councillor and to stop drinking for good. I want to trust him, that he will change, but I am not sure I can. It's a big change in lifestyle and big commitment for him. We will most likely see a councillor together in a few weeks to help work through it (after he has had few individual sessions). I am just not sure how to act around him or what to do. Should we still share the same bed and try to remain somewhat normal or should I shut down to him and move out until it is resolved, either way? how long until I know if it is better? It is difficult for me it seems without the alcohol there is no problem but I know that is not the case. I want to do the right thing.
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Please know that the fact that he has agreed to go to counseling is huge, therefore, I would suggest continuing in the relationship as you have been as long as you are comfortable with that. He will certainly need your support as he goes to counseling. Give the counseling a chance to work, especially since you stayed with him throughout all of this, now hopefully with counseling things will change for the better. However, you have to give counseling some time in order for it to actually work. Again, it is huge that he has agreed to go to counseling, that's awesome!
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