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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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I am a 41 year old male (single) - still desire a partner and

Customer Question

I am a 41 year old male (single) - still desire a partner and small family. Live in a bigger city
Life has given me a few unfortunate turns. My widowed mother (83) lives 200 miles away in a rural area. I have two older sisters but my mother only feels close to me. One sister lives with her and assists her (houseupkeep) but has never lived by herself - not financially dependent, only part time job. My mother wants to come closer to me for her remaining life but doesnt want to intrude as she knows I am single and it would be a threat to a potential partner at my ripe age. The one sister will not leave the area but cant financially sustain herself either. When my father passed away, he left a 95 g mortgage on a 220g residence.

I love my mother but dont know if living with her is ideal. Do realize though after a recent health scare, life is precious. A house with inlaw suite would be pursued. Dont know...........
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, I would pursue a house with a separate in law suite as you have been considering. Also, I would hate to have you put off having your mother in the in law suite due to concern about your partner not liking it, especially since you have not yet met your partner. When you meet the right partner, your partner will accept the fact that your mother lives in a separate in law suite which is far more private than having her actually living in your living space.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

What about the facet of the sister who cant live financially on her own.

My mother rather live closer to me (city activities) than rural life


However feels guility letting my sister to fend on her own??


How truly common is it - inlaw suites anyhow?



Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
In law suites are really common in the U.S.A., in Canada you would need to inquire with a Realtor about how common they are. Realtors want to sell homes that meet their clients needs and will do whatever it takes to find that perfect home for their clients. Therefore, if you specify the type of home you desire with an in law suite, I would be very surprised if a Realtor could not find one for you. As far as your mother feeling guilty about your sister, all you can do is remind her in a loving and compassionate tone that your sister is an adult and she knows how much your mother loves her and therefore, your mother should not deny herself the opportunity to live with you (-if you present it to her). It would also be great for her to take advantage of the numerous activities that she would have access to by living in the city, such as going to senior centers to go on day trips, to play games, to meet friends, and etc. Also, mothers are great and can have tremendous guilt about anything pertaining to their children, therefore, you could suggest to her the possibility of going to see a therapist to help her deal with her guilt if you or she feels that it is becoming a burden for her if she moves away from your sister.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

The reality is my sister (50) has never really developed lifeskills to care for herself like cooking since she has lived her entire life under my parents roof. She had developmental problems earlier and was shielded. Now as an older adult, laziness/stuboorn. Only has part time employment and simply cant be financially independent currently but wont leave the area because of her friends.


I can house my mother but not my sister.


Anyhow, suggestions are easier on emails than reality????

Expert:  Angela replied 7 years ago.
In light of this, especially your sister not wanting to leave the area, I would suggest looking into the resources which are available in her area to help people such as your sister. For example, if there is a specific disability your sister has, you can check the area she lives in for resources such as housing options. Also, check into the housing resources which are available for your sister based upon her part time income. For example, in the U.S.A. individuals who earn a certain amount of income qualify for subsidized housing assistance in nice apartments in which the other tenants have no idea that the person is receiving assistance to pay rent based upon his/her income level. Find out what is available to help your sister and discuss it with her and your mother.
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