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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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My adult daughter is 32 and married for over 10 years. She

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My adult daughter is 32 and married for over 10 years. She has had several people in her life that have influenced her to look upon me with distain starting with her natural father who showed up when she was about 15. Needless to say there is a lot of water under the bridge by now. I have tried everything I could think of to get through to her that I am not her enemy, but to no avail. Since 2003 I have been fighting breast cancer, and even that has not softened her attitude towards me. For the last 5 years or so she has even taken to screening my calls, throwing out my emails and letters unread, and even campaigning to cause me trouble among my church and friends. I am beside myself as to what to do at this point.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It is unfortunate this situation is occurring with your daughter. Do you know why she doesn't talk to you or why she has allowed others to influence her in not talking to you? If you know why, have you been able to tell her your side?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

She says I am lieing if I get a chance at all. But I haven't had a chance for over 5 years at this point. I separated from her step father in 1998, and that was in the middle of her reaquaintence with her natural father. It was spun to her that I was not a good wife to either of them, and both of them fed off the other's faulse information. It was a joint decision for her to be told to get out on her own, which happened before her step father and I seperated, but he spun it to be my decision, saying he had no choice. She then took this to blame me for not going to college. But that doesn't even make a bit of sense. She graduated from high school when she was 15 in a home schooling program, and from that day on, found one excuse after another not to go to college that year. We asked her to leave when she was 20, and refusing to work or go to school. She just got into a habit of blaming me for all her problems early on with the encouragement of her fathers. The both also have the habit, if you haven't gathered already. And although I am complicit to a certain degree, as all parents are, I am not the reason she didn't go to college, or any of the other things she blames on me. I am also not the reason her natural father drinks, or her step father is depressed. She actually got angry with me when I refused to pay the mortgage for her stepfather anymore once I was diagnosed with cancer and had to take off work (truck driver) for treatments. She said it was my obligation since he was disabled due to depression. On a side note, he got a job 2 weeks later, once I cut him off.

I am sorry about her not even letting you speak or even asking how you are in light of the cancer battle. Since she will not talk to you, I would suggest typing your side of the story on your computer and saving the document. Take your time and write all that you have been wanting to tell her concerning the reasons she is not talking to you. When your done, save it and print it out. Then mail it to her or if you know how to attach it to an email, attach it and email it to her. I would send the letter via postal mail once a month or send it via email once per month. The reason I suggest this is because you would at least have had a chance to present your side of the story in the letter. If she chooses not to read it, there is nothing you could do about that, but at least you would have presented your side of the story to her repeatedly. You also mentioned you tried counseling. Please consider going back to counseling for your own mental, emotional, and spiritual well being as you continue to deal with this very painful situation, especially as you continue to fight breast cancer. Also, you could do a search on the inter net by your city and state and see if there is a support group you could attend with other people who are fighting breast cancer so that you have additional mental and emotional support. I hope that the members of your congregation are also supporting you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I changed congregations since many were under the influence of my ex where I used to attend. I had been attending there for over 20 years, but not one person called to ask how I was doing since 2003, and three of them live in my neighborhood. So I decided to change, and if the cancer recurs again, I can get the support I need. In the mean time, I have gotten support from the American Cancer Society. But I cannot see at night, so going to the support groups is a problem. But I do have my other two adult children, and my mother's support, as well as some really good new friends and a few old ones. I am not alone by any means. Unfortunately counseling is not covered on my insurance,and on disability, I have only a pittence to live on, so I can't afford to pay for my own. On an up side to all of this, my son, who is 33 was also doing this to me until last year. I finally got a chance to get a word in and set him straight on a few things. Once I got the foot in the door, he has grown amazingly close to me in just this past year. It helps that his father is a fall in the gutter drunk now. No excuses for him any more, and he isn't influenced by his retteric anymore. So if I can get a foot in the door with him, I can with my daughter too someday. I was hoping you would be able to give me some insight I haven't thought of yet, but thanks for trying. Sometimes there just isn't a solution. A bit of wisdom I learned from my life I could have used as a young person.
I am glad that the cancer has not reoccurred. I am glad that you are surrounded with loved ones and friends. I hope that one day you can also get your foot in the door with your daughter as you have with your son. Take care of yourself!
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