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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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when my boyfriend and i started dating he was sleeping with

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when my boyfriend and i started dating he was sleeping with other people.(w/out my knowledge). Thats my first issue..but to make matters worse he got a random women pregnant.She was 35 and he was 23.When she told him she was pregnant with his child we were officially seeing eachother. She told him she did it on purpose because she wanted a baby.She also told him that she didnt want anything from him and that she didnt care if he was involved or not. He decided not to be involved and we tried to push everything under the rug.About two months ago we recieved a letter in the mail requesting child support.He has decided that he wants to see his baby, and that he is going to file for visitation rights. I didnt know this was going to take such a toll on me. I feel like ive been robbed of everything..he betrayed me,she has his baby, and now our relationship is rocky. Is the way im feeling normal?? can we push through this over time and become couple we once were???
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using!

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. It's very normal for you to feel the way you're feeling -- This is not the relationship or future you envisioned and a part of you blames him for the promiscuous behavior early on that brought all of this about.

I do think it's possible for you to have a successful future together, but it won't be as the couple you were. It would be as a couple whose relationship includes a baby from another mother. If that's something you think you can accept, you can work toward the idea that you can still have your future with this person. It may not look exactly the way you'd envisioned, but that doesn't mean that you can't find happiness and fulfill your own long-term plans. Make sure he understands how all of this is affecting you. Explain your feelings to him as well as what you'd like to happen. Ask what he's going through as well -- I imagine this has been a roller coaster for him, too. You'll need each other's support to get through this.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Exactly... i do blame him for his behavior, but i had forgiven him because it was easy to forget about the whole situation when it wasn't a "known thing". But now that we are dealing with all of this i fear that this baby will be a constant reminder of his betrayal. Thus making it impossible to really forgive him. I havent met the baby yet, and I have mixed emotions about meeting him. I want meeting this baby to instantly resolve all of my issues but i fear that it will just make my feelings worse.

I was a nanny for years and now im an elementary school teacher... i love kids. But i fear i will be resentful towards his son. I am also mad that the mother would be so selfish by bringing a child into such a horrible family situation.

Of course Ive talked to my boyfriend about all of this many many many times. But now its to the point where whats done is done and we cant change the past. I feel like I stress him out and us out when i dwell on his past behavior and this situation. But its hard because im not over it and i feel like its important to communciate about our problems. But whens enough enough???

Another thing that upsets me is the mere fact that another women has a part of my boyfriend that I dont. I dont know if im being unreasonable or dramatic about that. i feel like our child will be not as special. And i also feel like im being punished for his mistake. We were close to being engaged, but not now because of all of this. And Am I going to have to scarfice how many children we have now? he says i won't but i dont know if i believe him. I grew up in a very traditional home, I never had to deal with any situation even close to this.

Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
As an elem teacher, you're well aware of how kids are often the innocent victims of the choices their parents make. When you do meet his son, you'll remember that. He's just a baby and what's more, he's the son of someone you love. Hold on to that and the fact that you'll get to see a new side of your boyfriend. It's not how you pictured this playing out, but often life doesn't go exactly the way we'd planned. If you do eventually get married and have children of your own, it will still be special because it will be YOUR child. You're not dwelling on the past when you talk with your boyfriend about all of this. It's very normal (and healthy!) to want to talk through stressful situations and I'd certainly say this is one that will bring stress to your relationship. Talk through your feelings and how this new baby is going to fit into your life together.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thank you so much for helping. Your advice is really good. I just have one more concern... well actually i have many concerns, but ill just bother you with this one for now.. How do I know if all of this is worth it?? I keep trying to tell myself that i loved him before all of this happened, and that shouldn't change because of this. But im not sure if love is enough. You said something earlier that was a little hard to digest. You said that our relationship now includes a baby from another mother, and if i can accept that then we'll be on our way to improving our relationship. the problem is that im not sure if i can accept that. But Im not sure if its only because i havent had time to adjust, or if its because I really can't accept it. Its a lot for me to handle just knowing that he had sex with her, but the fact that he has a baby with her is completely overwhelming. I also feel like if we were meant to be than i wouldn't have any doubts... but then i try to remind myself that relationships arent easy, and the cinderella fairytale isnt reality. How and when will i know if he's worth all of the stress??? I know your not a psychic lol... but im at a loss for answers. I feel like i nag him alot... like when are you seeing the baby again? Did you talk to the mom today? When are you filing for visitation? When is the mom going to let you take the baby? ...Then i need to know every detail when he talks to the mom. He has no answers for me... (at least not the answers im looking for) he says it takes time and i need to be patient. But being patient drives me nuts!

Do we sound doomed as a couple???

Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
There's no way to know if all of this is worth it until you figure out what this relationship will look like. You're in a pretty major transition stage right now -- it's confusing, overwhelming, unpredictable, and neither of you know with certainty how any of this will turn out or what your lives will look like when things settle down. It does sound to me like you love him enough to wait for that point where you'll be able to envision what a life with him will be like. By then you'll have time to adjust to this new situation and believe it or not, it will become the new "normal."

It's normal to have doubts. Everyone has doubts at some points and often they have them again later in the relationship! Don't think of it as a sign that there's no hope, though -- All it should tell you is that there is something going on that needs to be addressed whether that be your security in the relationship, jealousy, anxiety, or all of the above. Pinpoint all of what you're feeling and share that with him so he can be there to support you. Be sure to ask him what he's going through as well! Talking about it all on that level will make the day to day questions (did you talk, when are you filing for visitation) seem much less like nagging. I don't think you're doomed as a couple, but I do think the emotional roller coaster will be over anytime in the near future. You'll be OK no matter what happens. Ride it out and then take a look at your feelings about the new "normal" once it levels out a little. You may decide it's not the life you want or you may be pleasantly surprised.
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Thank you so much... youre great! you helped in ways that youll never know!... im sure ill be back in the future for some more comforting and real insight!!!

Thank you! ~ Katie