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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Two people had an absolutely *wonderful* relationship until

Resolved Question:

Two people had an absolutely *wonderful* relationship until May 2008. In May 2008, the girl got pregnant, and the guy and girl had differing emotional opinions on the issue. She chose to not keep the pregnancy, and the guy was quite hurt. This separated them for quite a while, until a few months later, they began working on things again - but nothing was solved, and they kept fighting.

In January 2009, the girl called him and said she wanted to "feel like she was single" and went on a date with someone else. This killed him. Throughout 2009, they still tried to work on things, but every time they would fight, she would break up with him and say it was "finally over". Yet, it never would be, and they would jump right back in again.

Eventually, the guy let himself have a few one night stands. At first it was no big deal, but then the girl changed in 2010 and now seems really stable regarding the relationship. Guy wants to be with her but feels guilty. What to do?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 7 years ago.

If you are both in a place where you feel like a stable relationship is possible again, then it is best to wipe the slate clean and forgive each other for your past actions. It is up to you whether you feel like you need to confess to your girlfriend about the one night stands. On one hand, if you were in a pattern of break-up/make-up, then one could be confused as to when you were together and when you were not. Being in a relationship where your significant other is consistently unsure how they feel about you and if they want to be with you is extremely disheartening, and you cannot blame yourself for doing things which exhibit your confused behavior. On the other hand, in order to start fresh, you both should talk about your feelings and how the rough times affected you. If you are feeling extremely guilt ridden then it is probably best that you confess, but explain how you felt at the time and how things are different now, and reassure her that it will never happen again. From what I gather, she has seen other people as well, so as long as you are both exclusive now, that should be all that matters.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hi Dr. Paige,

That's the thing. While she was breaking up with me, and getting back together with me, and breaking up with me, and getting back together with me, I'm very sure that she wasn't off doing anything with anyone else. Then again, I doubt she would think that of me, but most of her debates were strictly mental and emotional, and she isn't the kind of person who would get comfort from hooking up with someone else. I believe the only other time she saw someone else was last January, when she specifically told me she was going on a date and needed to feel single. Even that situation didn't push me over the edge: it was the remainder of 2009, when she dumped me at least once per month (anytime we would have a fight). That's when I became unfaithful, because I had nothing stable to hold onto and wanted stable attention from someone else. But then, since this past January (so almost 3 full months now), she's a completely different person willing to put the effort in and willing to be stable. I've stopped my erratic behavior too, because I can now get the attention from her that I need versus getting it from somewhere else, but I still feel guilty and feel like my actions may make me ever able to fully relax around her (and telling her would most likely make her flip out, and wouldn't be the right choice).
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 7 years ago.
Ok, well then the botXXXXX XXXXXne is, it sounds like you are both in a better place now individually, and as a couple. No need to stir things up again by bringing up the past, as that will only cause hurt in one another. Just keep on going in this positive direction, and be happy for the new leaf your relationship has. :-)
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Dr. Paige,

So you're saying that as long as I move forward with her 100%, and be faithful once I make that commitment, you don't think I should tell her what I did while she was being indecisive?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 7 years ago.
Yes, that is what I am saying. As it sounds like you are both in a better place. She was confused and made some bad decisions, as did you. If you are together now, that is all that matters. However, it is important to be 100% honest and straight-forward from now on. It is not ok to repeat those behaviors now. Be sure to communicate any issues, and encourage her to do the same. :-)
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